Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Trees and mistletoes
A day where only laughter fills the air; where people aren’t pretentious and where we don’t remember anything that happens more than an hour ago. Carefree; liberated, relieved, laughing and smiling and teasing and reliving and getting away from the redundant daily routines where people stopped being funny and things stopped making sense. . Just a day. I just need one whole day. Where we say things we don’t think twice and think things that we don’t overanalyze. Where everything is just out open in the air and noone would regret what they said or did and noone wouldn’t bite back their tongue. Where we could return home and be puzzled because we couldn’t remember what we just did; couldn’t remember the whole day we spent together because we have returned to the normal life. Where the only things we remember are laughters and smiles and us throwing our head back with glee and affection and this urge to protect and take care of each other. Because eventually people die or disappear or age old and they will regret, for the rest of their lives, that they have never experienced that one day.
Friday, November 19, 2010
....
I feel like copying and pasting the words here. I feel like shouting to your face. I feel like transforming into that moment, that noon, that place, that conversation, that drink. Singular. I feel like telling you how you have absoltuely no idea how often I recently (re)read it. I feel like laughing at you for being affectionate when I was oblivious and oblivious when I was affectionate. I feel like this is extremely weird because this has been going on for a long time and I have not once experienced this in my life. I feel like smiling everytime I read "it". I feel like smiling when I remember. I feel like smiling when I hear them, because they make me remember. I feel like shaking my head at the events that keep happening, at the fact that as I am jotting this down, as my fingers fly over the keyboard, the random playlist is playing that song. I was, at first, awed when these events started happening, but then I eventually grow tired because I don't think it's normal. I don't think we're normal. Were. I don't think we were normal. I dont think we were normal and you noticed it. I think you noticed everything I said, I did, when I didn't realize. And I analyzed everything you said, and you wrote, right after you stopped noticing. And the more I did, the more I know I shouldn't have done what I did to you. At least, some parts of it. I feel like you'd given me one of the nicest feelings in the world when I didn't deserve it. You were there with your hands outstretched and I danced along without really taking it because I kept twirling around the ballroom. I feel like when I finally reached out to you, you smiled understandingly, looked down, pulled back and the fingertips never even really grazed. I feel like I should have listened to me instead of others; just like how you should've listened to just you. I feel like this is not me talking because I don't do this. I hate complications and I don't have a guideline to fall back on and I hate not having guidelines to fall back on. I feel like you are this distraction out of nowhere, completely steering me off the path. Were. You were. I feel like there was only 60% of you, or even 50%, that you showed and I missed out on the remaining 50%. I feel like not knowing what to say when I see you in person because "hi" would be over (under?) -rated. Because "hi" never explains what I feel. I feel like the biggest feeling I experienced was fear. I was scared by the fact that you knew me so well (and I'm not kidding) with just a short period of time. I feel like throwing up questions at you but I'm not sure if I want to hear the answer now. I feel like
I wonder if you still read this.
I wonder if you still read this.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
six letters
Who am I kidding?
It's still there. In a neat package, with a pretty ribbon, fully wrapped. It was torn once-so bad, into shreds. But glued back together, piece by piece, slowly.
It might have evaporated in the past few years, but turns out it's there. I had no idea. And the butterflies,
The butterflies never really left.
It's still there. In a neat package, with a pretty ribbon, fully wrapped. It was torn once-so bad, into shreds. But glued back together, piece by piece, slowly.
It might have evaporated in the past few years, but turns out it's there. I had no idea. And the butterflies,
The butterflies never really left.
Monday, November 8, 2010
post #2
"What and If are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life."
-Letters to Juliet, 2010
-Letters to Juliet, 2010
Saturday, November 6, 2010
it's written in stones
I wrote, on the left top side of this blog, that my current wish list is (was?) to have a temporary brainwash.
I understand a lot of people are pissed when someone else forgets about something. They go berserk when their mom forgets to pick up the grocery or when their brother forgets to lock the car or when someone else forgets doing something. And don't get me wrong; me too. I hate it when people forget. But I recently discovered that sometimes it is good to forget.
I am an avid forget-ter. That's right, I just made the word up.
I even forgot how old my sister just turned and wrote Happy 25th in the birthday cake instead of 26th. (long story.) I forget about plans I make a long time ago, I forget about promises I swore to keep, about people I'm supposed to meet and things I'm supposed to do. But one fleeting moment last week made me realize that forgetting works both ways; that sometimes it's not always bad. So here's the thing.
I am scared to death about flying. Maybe it's the Air Crash Investigation re-reruns in Nat Geo Channel, maybe it's the image of exploding plane in Final Destination,maybe's it's 9/11, or maybe it's simply the fact that we are thousands of feet above ground accompanied by strangers with small square windows as our emergency exit options. It's better when I'm in there with people I love; but when it's a business trip, I clam up and nod and smile very nervously at the stewardess (extra note: Garuda tends to have rude stewardess. more on that later.)
Last week I had to fly to another city for work. Alone. Well not really alone, but my guests were seated far from me so yes, I was alone and sat squeezed between two unknown strangers. (They were nice! One of them slept while the other one kept talking. We had a nice chat. I found out he has kids, he hates big cities like Jakarta, and yes, the news coverage on Merapi has been slightly exaggerated because he himself lives in Jogja.) So anyway. Everyone knows that the most terrifying moments during a flight is when you take off and you land, right. Taking off was smooth, but seconds before the landing, the plane swayed a little.
I gripped the seat so hard that I stopped listening to my new friend's story. I closed my eyes, started praying silently, wishing it would just be over already, and..
...fell asleep.
I know, right?! Instant "temporary brainwash". I actually dozed off and when I opened my eyes, startled, the plane has landed already. Woohoo! Couldn't help being so proud of myself.
So anyway, there's a real living proof that sometimes forgetting is a good thing.
It sounds like a lame example. But still.
And besides being a forgetter, I'm also an avid detail-er. This, I've noticed quite a long time ago. It's not like I'm a perfectionist, hell no. I just like paying attention to details in something; or someone. Paying attention down to what they're wearing and saying and expressions when we meet face to face and their quirks. To their way of communicating. The music they listen to (trust me, it says a lot). The books they read. The way they write. Their body language. Which is why I often notice it when someone begins to change. The second they change, it's like their brain snaps and starts shifting directions,leaving their routines behind and sending invisible alerts like a warning.
This detail-er thingy; I haven't quite figured out whether this is a good or a bad thing. Whether this is good for temporary brainwashing; or make you wish you'd never noticed them in the first place instead.
I understand a lot of people are pissed when someone else forgets about something. They go berserk when their mom forgets to pick up the grocery or when their brother forgets to lock the car or when someone else forgets doing something. And don't get me wrong; me too. I hate it when people forget. But I recently discovered that sometimes it is good to forget.
I am an avid forget-ter. That's right, I just made the word up.
I even forgot how old my sister just turned and wrote Happy 25th in the birthday cake instead of 26th. (long story.) I forget about plans I make a long time ago, I forget about promises I swore to keep, about people I'm supposed to meet and things I'm supposed to do. But one fleeting moment last week made me realize that forgetting works both ways; that sometimes it's not always bad. So here's the thing.
I am scared to death about flying. Maybe it's the Air Crash Investigation re-reruns in Nat Geo Channel, maybe it's the image of exploding plane in Final Destination,maybe's it's 9/11, or maybe it's simply the fact that we are thousands of feet above ground accompanied by strangers with small square windows as our emergency exit options. It's better when I'm in there with people I love; but when it's a business trip, I clam up and nod and smile very nervously at the stewardess (extra note: Garuda tends to have rude stewardess. more on that later.)
Last week I had to fly to another city for work. Alone. Well not really alone, but my guests were seated far from me so yes, I was alone and sat squeezed between two unknown strangers. (They were nice! One of them slept while the other one kept talking. We had a nice chat. I found out he has kids, he hates big cities like Jakarta, and yes, the news coverage on Merapi has been slightly exaggerated because he himself lives in Jogja.) So anyway. Everyone knows that the most terrifying moments during a flight is when you take off and you land, right. Taking off was smooth, but seconds before the landing, the plane swayed a little.
I gripped the seat so hard that I stopped listening to my new friend's story. I closed my eyes, started praying silently, wishing it would just be over already, and..
...fell asleep.
I know, right?! Instant "temporary brainwash". I actually dozed off and when I opened my eyes, startled, the plane has landed already. Woohoo! Couldn't help being so proud of myself.
So anyway, there's a real living proof that sometimes forgetting is a good thing.
It sounds like a lame example. But still.
And besides being a forgetter, I'm also an avid detail-er. This, I've noticed quite a long time ago. It's not like I'm a perfectionist, hell no. I just like paying attention to details in something; or someone. Paying attention down to what they're wearing and saying and expressions when we meet face to face and their quirks. To their way of communicating. The music they listen to (trust me, it says a lot). The books they read. The way they write. Their body language. Which is why I often notice it when someone begins to change. The second they change, it's like their brain snaps and starts shifting directions,leaving their routines behind and sending invisible alerts like a warning.
This detail-er thingy; I haven't quite figured out whether this is a good or a bad thing. Whether this is good for temporary brainwashing; or make you wish you'd never noticed them in the first place instead.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
post #1
She told him, "I wanted you to be ordinary; common; bland; usual;uninteresting; un-memorable."
February, 2010
February, 2010
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
1409
co·in·ci·dence /koʊˈɪnsɪdəns/
–noun
1. a striking occurrence of two or more events at one time apparently by mere chance.
—Synonyms
1. accident, luck, fate.
–noun
1. a striking occurrence of two or more events at one time apparently by mere chance.
—Synonyms
1. accident, luck, fate.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
I love this town.
You would think I'm crazy, seeing the post title. Me, whose nationalism is already going down the drain. Me, who almost never watches local shows and TV stations and just smiles and nods along when someone is talking about some local celebrities I've only heard and never seen, not even in TV. Me, who would be the first in line to deliver my harsh opinion on Indonesian bands and movies. Whose biggest dream is to get out of this messy jam-packed hellhole and book a one-way ticket abroad. Whose proudest moment to be linked to 'Indonesia' is when performing traditional dances.
But I love Jakarta when it's happy.
I love it when the town is being celebrated or when it's celebrating something, like Lebaran or Christmas. Everyone is in festive moods and cheering and happy and yelling gleefully and shouting joyfully and greeting strangers and praying together in the mosque and let's not forget the snacks for break-fasting. Streets are suddenly lined up with colorful drinks and foods in appealing food stalls and carts, sold at a very attractively low price.
I love the morning rush, the pre-dawn meal, the relief and gratefulness that echo throughout the town when the clock strikes 6 pm. I love overhearing conversations in the train when a woman says "DID YOU KNOW THAT--Oops, I can't gossip right now, I'm fasting." or a woman consoling her angry husband when a newspaper boy accidentally smacked his shoulder. or a non-Muslim opening his mouth to bite into a delicious apple but paused and put it back inside the plastic as he saw a woman wearing Muslims' veil next to him.
I love fasting month and I know I'm gonna love Lebaran. Fasting month is sadly coming to an end in the next two days and I hope, very sincerely, that all of us--including me and you who's reading this, whoever you are--will get another chance to improve ourselves in the next opportunity. There's always something to improve. No matter how often you pray or how religious you are, there's always something you know you can do better. Pray with more sincerity. Eat better. Drink better. Smile more. Fast more often. Donate more to the needy. Avoid anger and lies better. The next time you fast, do it with 110%.
See you in 2011, my favorite month of the year :)
But I love Jakarta when it's happy.
I love it when the town is being celebrated or when it's celebrating something, like Lebaran or Christmas. Everyone is in festive moods and cheering and happy and yelling gleefully and shouting joyfully and greeting strangers and praying together in the mosque and let's not forget the snacks for break-fasting. Streets are suddenly lined up with colorful drinks and foods in appealing food stalls and carts, sold at a very attractively low price.
I love the morning rush, the pre-dawn meal, the relief and gratefulness that echo throughout the town when the clock strikes 6 pm. I love overhearing conversations in the train when a woman says "DID YOU KNOW THAT--Oops, I can't gossip right now, I'm fasting." or a woman consoling her angry husband when a newspaper boy accidentally smacked his shoulder. or a non-Muslim opening his mouth to bite into a delicious apple but paused and put it back inside the plastic as he saw a woman wearing Muslims' veil next to him.
I love fasting month and I know I'm gonna love Lebaran. Fasting month is sadly coming to an end in the next two days and I hope, very sincerely, that all of us--including me and you who's reading this, whoever you are--will get another chance to improve ourselves in the next opportunity. There's always something to improve. No matter how often you pray or how religious you are, there's always something you know you can do better. Pray with more sincerity. Eat better. Drink better. Smile more. Fast more often. Donate more to the needy. Avoid anger and lies better. The next time you fast, do it with 110%.
See you in 2011, my favorite month of the year :)
Friday, August 20, 2010
Thank you, Ms Colbie Caillat.
"I guess there's always some things that will be left unsaid."
Take time to realize,
That your warmth is crashing down on me.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you ?
But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you
If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.
Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you ?
But I can't spell it out for you,
no its never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.
If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.
It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you ..
Take time to realize,
That your warmth is crashing down on me.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you ?
But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you
If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.
Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you ?
But I can't spell it out for you,
no its never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.
If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.
It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you ..
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Jekyll & Hyde
A cheesecake and a plain cookie are sitting side by side on the counter table, behind the display window in a small bakery shop. Cheesecake is whistling, but Cookie's lips are turned down in a frown.
"What's with the frown?" Cheesecake asked, concerned. "It's a beautiful day outside and we just got out of the oven, freshly baked and heated--you should be smiling like me!"
"Oh, hi," Cookie said, not showing enthusiasm. "yeah. You know. Nothing's up."
"Do you mind sharing? Far as I know, the shop's still empty so I don't think anyone will order us yet...Besides, that new guy Pretzel is basking all the attention nowadays."
Cheesecake's genuine humor eventually got into Cookie, who glanced sideways at her friend and smiled sadly. "I just heard that my Chef will make me a raisin cookie today."
Silence.
Cheesecake frowned, "So what? I don't understand. You're a plain cookie; anything can be your filling, including raisins. Is that why you look so gloomy today?"
"I know it sounds ridiculous," Cookie sighed, her mood lowering even more. "But I don't expect you to understand. You're so lucky you have a great Chef who completely understands what you need without you saying it out loud. The thing is, I hate raisins. And I just heard that my Chef will bake me into fruit-filled cookie next. I mean, doesn't he understand me at all?"
"Have you tried telling him about this?"
Cookie glared at her friend. "Are you kidding? If you meant whether I've tried telling him about this for the twentieth time, then the answer's no."
"Hmm. Then what filling would you like to be baked in?"
"I don't know, normal ones!" Cookie cried. "The ones that I like! Marshmallow cream! White chocolate! God, even the most usual, predictable, boring one: chocolate chip! I love colors, so why doesn't he put M&Ms inside me? I can even be blended with an ice cream when I'm in crumbles! The options are endless, but why does my Chef always pick the ones that disinterest me?"
"Maybe your Chef needs to get to know you better so he can learn what you like. For example, my Chef always makes sure I get two cherries on top instead of one. It's the way I like it." Cheesecake paused. "I'm sorry for your trouble. But why don't you just escape then? Run away, fall down from the table like other desserts do. Abandon your Chef if you can't take it anymore! There are a lot of great Chefs out there."
Cookie's eyes brimmed with tears.
"Aw, please don't start crying," Cheesecake's smile turned upside down, and she edged closer to her friend. A few grated cheese fell off her body. "So why can't you take a distance from your Chef?"
"It's guilt." Cookie sobbed. "I can just turn around and escape from the oven like everybody else. I can run away and find new Chefs like everybody else. But I can't abandon someone who made me who I am today; he made me from scratch. I know he gets up early in the morning to find the best flour and dough and sugar to make me like this. I can't just turn my back on someone like that, even though my affections for him are already almost gone. I feel for him, but on the other hand I know he will never deeply understand what i want, and more importantly. what I need. And the most irritating thing of all is that other desserts can't seem to understand--look at you, for example. You practically looked at me like I was crazy when I first told you the reason behind my mood today. It's not that I'm spoiled and gets offended easily, pissed off just because I'm about to be filled with raisins. But this has been going on for a long time, is it really that hard to be understood?
To want sweet cream instead of raisins? Marshmallows instead of nuts? What else do I have to do to show that I DON'T LIKE THIS and I WANT THAT instead? How long has my Chef been baking me? Years! Years and he still doesn't know that I like to be baked moist instead of dark."
"You know what your biggest mistake is?" Cheesecake asked softly. "You let yourself think that there is a great Chef out there who always fulfills your wishes, your desires, for you; even without you saying it out loud. Like a Chef who reads your mind. Perfect Chefs-Do you really believe they exist?"
Without any hesitation, Cookie said, "Absolutely."
Cheesecake smiled. "You probably thought everything is so perfect with me and my Chef, but it's not. Yes, he reads my mind and knows exactly what I want, but it doesn't mean we don't have any other problems. And he doesn't read my mind all the time either. Sometimes, I have to keep reminding him."
At that point, the display glass slide open and a slice of dark chocolate on a plate swooped in. Her almost-black exterior glittered under the harsh light. She's also known as the Devil's Cake. "Hee-hee!" she greeted, grinning mischievously. "I was sitting outside on the table, waiting for some dumbass to come buy me, but I heard your conversation very clearly." She turned her menacing eyes at Cookies. "And you, my friend, are incredibly stupid."
Cookie looked at her, stunned, and Cheesecake rolled her eyes.
Devil's Cake went on, "You don't stay with someone just because he's nice. When someone's nice, smile! Or in my case, don't." she chuckled at her own joke. "Anyway, why are you still here? Go run out from this dump! I'll help you escape."
"Cookie, don't listen to her." Cheesecake took a deep breath, "If you wanna stay, stay. Work it out. Give another go."
"Another go? I thought she was stupid, but you're incurable!" Devil's Cake cackled. "How many chances does a person deserve when it comes to your own happiness, let me ask you? Do you think we'll live that long, really? Do you think that fat guy sitting right there will not eagerly come to this display window and pick us for his after-dessert dessert? Don't you think, as a good friend," she mocked a sad face, "you should let Cookie find another Chef and more importantly, find her own happiness, finally?"
Cookie was torn, as her friends debated in front of her face. She looked down, sad. She remembered how caring and attentive her Chef has been, but also how completely clueless he was, despite all her warnings and advises.
She had never felt so confused.
"...But she said earlier that she wants to find her own Perfect Chef!" Cheesecake was saying, jostling Cookie out of her thoughts. At that, Devil's Cake closed her mouth and glared at Cookie. Cheesecake sighed and turned to her, too.
"A Perfect Chef?!" Devil's Cake yelled, then laughed harshly. "I have lived in this desserts world long enough to know that n such thing exists. You are way dumber than I thought."
"Devil, stop saying how dumb she is."
"Cheesecake, mind your own cheese-topped head and bug off," Devil's Cake impersonated the cheese's tone mockingly.
"You two, shut up." Cookie cut them off, taking them both by surprise. She glanced left and right. "Help me get up there; I see an opening."
Without saying anything, Cheesecake hoisted the Cookie on its head. Cookie climbed up out of the display window carefully, scared she will dissolve into crumbles. After struggling for a few minutes, Cheesecake asked quietly, "Are you sure you wanna do this?"
Cookie closed her eyes, prayed with her heart pounding heavily, and took a jump. The highest jump she might ever take in her life. When she opened her eyes, she was landing safely on the marble counter table.
"You made it!" Devil's Cake did a victory dance. "You're not so stupid after all!"
Cookie ignored her and struggled to move so she was face-to-face with Cheesecake through a window glass. "Are you sure...?" Cheesecake repeated.
"I've been stuck in that window forever, being something I know I'm not," Cookie said. "I don't know if I will ever work for a Perfect Chef or will I ever find him. But," she smiled, fr the first time that day. "I'm free."
As other desserts watched longingly from inside the glass, Cookie winked at Cheesecake and turned around, relieved to see she was still in one piece. She didn't know where she was going next. She even had no idea how she was gonna go through the front door of the bakery. But the most important thing was, she made the jump.
And the feeling was surprisingly, overwhelmingly liberating.
"What's with the frown?" Cheesecake asked, concerned. "It's a beautiful day outside and we just got out of the oven, freshly baked and heated--you should be smiling like me!"
"Oh, hi," Cookie said, not showing enthusiasm. "yeah. You know. Nothing's up."
"Do you mind sharing? Far as I know, the shop's still empty so I don't think anyone will order us yet...Besides, that new guy Pretzel is basking all the attention nowadays."
Cheesecake's genuine humor eventually got into Cookie, who glanced sideways at her friend and smiled sadly. "I just heard that my Chef will make me a raisin cookie today."
Silence.
Cheesecake frowned, "So what? I don't understand. You're a plain cookie; anything can be your filling, including raisins. Is that why you look so gloomy today?"
"I know it sounds ridiculous," Cookie sighed, her mood lowering even more. "But I don't expect you to understand. You're so lucky you have a great Chef who completely understands what you need without you saying it out loud. The thing is, I hate raisins. And I just heard that my Chef will bake me into fruit-filled cookie next. I mean, doesn't he understand me at all?"
"Have you tried telling him about this?"
Cookie glared at her friend. "Are you kidding? If you meant whether I've tried telling him about this for the twentieth time, then the answer's no."
"Hmm. Then what filling would you like to be baked in?"
"I don't know, normal ones!" Cookie cried. "The ones that I like! Marshmallow cream! White chocolate! God, even the most usual, predictable, boring one: chocolate chip! I love colors, so why doesn't he put M&Ms inside me? I can even be blended with an ice cream when I'm in crumbles! The options are endless, but why does my Chef always pick the ones that disinterest me?"
"Maybe your Chef needs to get to know you better so he can learn what you like. For example, my Chef always makes sure I get two cherries on top instead of one. It's the way I like it." Cheesecake paused. "I'm sorry for your trouble. But why don't you just escape then? Run away, fall down from the table like other desserts do. Abandon your Chef if you can't take it anymore! There are a lot of great Chefs out there."
Cookie's eyes brimmed with tears.
"Aw, please don't start crying," Cheesecake's smile turned upside down, and she edged closer to her friend. A few grated cheese fell off her body. "So why can't you take a distance from your Chef?"
"It's guilt." Cookie sobbed. "I can just turn around and escape from the oven like everybody else. I can run away and find new Chefs like everybody else. But I can't abandon someone who made me who I am today; he made me from scratch. I know he gets up early in the morning to find the best flour and dough and sugar to make me like this. I can't just turn my back on someone like that, even though my affections for him are already almost gone. I feel for him, but on the other hand I know he will never deeply understand what i want, and more importantly. what I need. And the most irritating thing of all is that other desserts can't seem to understand--look at you, for example. You practically looked at me like I was crazy when I first told you the reason behind my mood today. It's not that I'm spoiled and gets offended easily, pissed off just because I'm about to be filled with raisins. But this has been going on for a long time, is it really that hard to be understood?
To want sweet cream instead of raisins? Marshmallows instead of nuts? What else do I have to do to show that I DON'T LIKE THIS and I WANT THAT instead? How long has my Chef been baking me? Years! Years and he still doesn't know that I like to be baked moist instead of dark."
"You know what your biggest mistake is?" Cheesecake asked softly. "You let yourself think that there is a great Chef out there who always fulfills your wishes, your desires, for you; even without you saying it out loud. Like a Chef who reads your mind. Perfect Chefs-Do you really believe they exist?"
Without any hesitation, Cookie said, "Absolutely."
Cheesecake smiled. "You probably thought everything is so perfect with me and my Chef, but it's not. Yes, he reads my mind and knows exactly what I want, but it doesn't mean we don't have any other problems. And he doesn't read my mind all the time either. Sometimes, I have to keep reminding him."
At that point, the display glass slide open and a slice of dark chocolate on a plate swooped in. Her almost-black exterior glittered under the harsh light. She's also known as the Devil's Cake. "Hee-hee!" she greeted, grinning mischievously. "I was sitting outside on the table, waiting for some dumbass to come buy me, but I heard your conversation very clearly." She turned her menacing eyes at Cookies. "And you, my friend, are incredibly stupid."
Cookie looked at her, stunned, and Cheesecake rolled her eyes.
Devil's Cake went on, "You don't stay with someone just because he's nice. When someone's nice, smile! Or in my case, don't." she chuckled at her own joke. "Anyway, why are you still here? Go run out from this dump! I'll help you escape."
"Cookie, don't listen to her." Cheesecake took a deep breath, "If you wanna stay, stay. Work it out. Give another go."
"Another go? I thought she was stupid, but you're incurable!" Devil's Cake cackled. "How many chances does a person deserve when it comes to your own happiness, let me ask you? Do you think we'll live that long, really? Do you think that fat guy sitting right there will not eagerly come to this display window and pick us for his after-dessert dessert? Don't you think, as a good friend," she mocked a sad face, "you should let Cookie find another Chef and more importantly, find her own happiness, finally?"
Cookie was torn, as her friends debated in front of her face. She looked down, sad. She remembered how caring and attentive her Chef has been, but also how completely clueless he was, despite all her warnings and advises.
She had never felt so confused.
"...But she said earlier that she wants to find her own Perfect Chef!" Cheesecake was saying, jostling Cookie out of her thoughts. At that, Devil's Cake closed her mouth and glared at Cookie. Cheesecake sighed and turned to her, too.
"A Perfect Chef?!" Devil's Cake yelled, then laughed harshly. "I have lived in this desserts world long enough to know that n such thing exists. You are way dumber than I thought."
"Devil, stop saying how dumb she is."
"Cheesecake, mind your own cheese-topped head and bug off," Devil's Cake impersonated the cheese's tone mockingly.
"You two, shut up." Cookie cut them off, taking them both by surprise. She glanced left and right. "Help me get up there; I see an opening."
Without saying anything, Cheesecake hoisted the Cookie on its head. Cookie climbed up out of the display window carefully, scared she will dissolve into crumbles. After struggling for a few minutes, Cheesecake asked quietly, "Are you sure you wanna do this?"
Cookie closed her eyes, prayed with her heart pounding heavily, and took a jump. The highest jump she might ever take in her life. When she opened her eyes, she was landing safely on the marble counter table.
"You made it!" Devil's Cake did a victory dance. "You're not so stupid after all!"
Cookie ignored her and struggled to move so she was face-to-face with Cheesecake through a window glass. "Are you sure...?" Cheesecake repeated.
"I've been stuck in that window forever, being something I know I'm not," Cookie said. "I don't know if I will ever work for a Perfect Chef or will I ever find him. But," she smiled, fr the first time that day. "I'm free."
As other desserts watched longingly from inside the glass, Cookie winked at Cheesecake and turned around, relieved to see she was still in one piece. She didn't know where she was going next. She even had no idea how she was gonna go through the front door of the bakery. But the most important thing was, she made the jump.
And the feeling was surprisingly, overwhelmingly liberating.
Saturday, July 24, 2010
my brain will be your paper
This is a mixed feeling of pure excitement, unthinkable nervousness, nausea, happiness, and anticipation.
If everything goes smooth, I will be in the Happiest Place on Earth next Friday.
This has to go smooth. I planned everything, I write my plans, I memorize them, I make backup plans inside my head, this has to go smooth.
My heart is actually pounding whenever I think of it; I mean, if it will only be a simple vacation, then I would have been shouting joyfully right now. But it's not; it's a business trip and therefore I need to be extra careful and ensure that everything is going to go according to plan.
Anyway, let's take some nervousness off. This is Saturday and I plan to watch Inception later and I am currently looking at my Bangkok trip with my friends. It's insane. I remember feeling how happy we were and that we had nothing to think about for a full 7 days. The biggest concerns were what to eat next, what to buy, where to go and what to get people from back home. I didn't even care that we had nowhere to stay on the fourth or third day-I didn't even have plans. Which was so not me.
But that's what best friends do to you.
They give such comfort that walking with no direction with them feels as safe as on a guided tour. We were direction-less yet we didn't care so much because of such wonderful companions.
Comfort; that's the ultimate key.
I can't wait to save more and have another holiday with these girls. Let's do it again next year, yes? =)
On another note, my best friend who just got married last Feb is pregnant !! This is insanity; I can't imagine how she feels, cause I felt like jumping up and down when she told me. She's in my age and her husband is fabulous and they're one of my all-time fav couples, so there's no doubt that the baby is gonna be so loved and so extremely lucky. I can't wait to go baby-clothes-shopping =D
So anyway, wish me luck. I will post something more meaningful later. Bye!
If everything goes smooth, I will be in the Happiest Place on Earth next Friday.
This has to go smooth. I planned everything, I write my plans, I memorize them, I make backup plans inside my head, this has to go smooth.
My heart is actually pounding whenever I think of it; I mean, if it will only be a simple vacation, then I would have been shouting joyfully right now. But it's not; it's a business trip and therefore I need to be extra careful and ensure that everything is going to go according to plan.
Anyway, let's take some nervousness off. This is Saturday and I plan to watch Inception later and I am currently looking at my Bangkok trip with my friends. It's insane. I remember feeling how happy we were and that we had nothing to think about for a full 7 days. The biggest concerns were what to eat next, what to buy, where to go and what to get people from back home. I didn't even care that we had nowhere to stay on the fourth or third day-I didn't even have plans. Which was so not me.
But that's what best friends do to you.
They give such comfort that walking with no direction with them feels as safe as on a guided tour. We were direction-less yet we didn't care so much because of such wonderful companions.
Comfort; that's the ultimate key.
I can't wait to save more and have another holiday with these girls. Let's do it again next year, yes? =)
On another note, my best friend who just got married last Feb is pregnant !! This is insanity; I can't imagine how she feels, cause I felt like jumping up and down when she told me. She's in my age and her husband is fabulous and they're one of my all-time fav couples, so there's no doubt that the baby is gonna be so loved and so extremely lucky. I can't wait to go baby-clothes-shopping =D
So anyway, wish me luck. I will post something more meaningful later. Bye!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
"you said I Love You to a dog- why don't you ever try saying it to a person one day?"
Let me tell you why I love the movie Made of Honor so much that I can watch it over and over again. Aside from the fact that Patrick Dempsey and his selection of shirts and suits during the movie are ravishing.
Because it opened with a morning scene of Manhattan, NY. The movie began with how the city wakes up, how the bakeries open, how the chefs get out to take the trash in the early dawn.
Because I like the relationship between Tom (Dempsey) and Hannah (played by the ever so beautiful Bridget Moynahan). Because I like how he picks her up at work and takes her to breakfast, brunch and dessert. Because I like how they used to date but then decided to be better off being best friends.
Because Hannah already knows Tom like the back of her hand and how used she is to his one-night-stand stories, his charm amongst the girls, and his fear of commitment and how she accepts all those as his bestest friend. Because they always ordered different desserts and swapped it to taste each other's cake, out of habit. Because Tom said "I can't be your maid of honor; I can't give you up." after their kiss and backed off so she could be happy with her fiancee.
And best of all, because I admire how incredibly brave Hannah is to break off her wedding, right in the chapel, to be with Tom instead, after finally realizing that he's the one after all these years.
Because it opened with a morning scene of Manhattan, NY. The movie began with how the city wakes up, how the bakeries open, how the chefs get out to take the trash in the early dawn.
Because I like the relationship between Tom (Dempsey) and Hannah (played by the ever so beautiful Bridget Moynahan). Because I like how he picks her up at work and takes her to breakfast, brunch and dessert. Because I like how they used to date but then decided to be better off being best friends.
Because Hannah already knows Tom like the back of her hand and how used she is to his one-night-stand stories, his charm amongst the girls, and his fear of commitment and how she accepts all those as his bestest friend. Because they always ordered different desserts and swapped it to taste each other's cake, out of habit. Because Tom said "I can't be your maid of honor; I can't give you up." after their kiss and backed off so she could be happy with her fiancee.
And best of all, because I admire how incredibly brave Hannah is to break off her wedding, right in the chapel, to be with Tom instead, after finally realizing that he's the one after all these years.
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
something to be thankful for
Here is the new things I discovered during my 7-day dayoffs from the office. (I will explain THAT later):
1. I'm even more easily bored than I thought I was.
2. Turns out that waking up late, eat, watch Lie to Me, HIMYM, Desperate Housewives and Cougartown at noon, sleep, watch some more tv, eat, second nap, bath, and watch more tv on repeat every day for five days straight is like brain suicide. Add that with only one eye functioning.
3. I miss newspapers.
4. Being off from Twitterland for a week feels surprisingly good.
5. My room is incredibly full with unimportant stuff.
6. My housemaid's son just graduated to junior high. Yay!
By the way, news flash: I'm happy.
=)
1. I'm even more easily bored than I thought I was.
2. Turns out that waking up late, eat, watch Lie to Me, HIMYM, Desperate Housewives and Cougartown at noon, sleep, watch some more tv, eat, second nap, bath, and watch more tv on repeat every day for five days straight is like brain suicide. Add that with only one eye functioning.
3. I miss newspapers.
4. Being off from Twitterland for a week feels surprisingly good.
5. My room is incredibly full with unimportant stuff.
6. My housemaid's son just graduated to junior high. Yay!
By the way, news flash: I'm happy.
=)
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
"I sat beside you and became myself."
Dear You, she wrote.
Hi. How are you?
It used to be a really simple question, but I really am wondering how you've been.
She paused for a minute, and picked up her pen again. You know; I have tons, and I mean TONS of things to say to you. But I've shut the door, remember? Shutting it closed and locking it and throwing away the key, because opening it will be like opening a dam and everything will rush out. And I don't want that.
We both don't.
You must be wondering who I'm talking about here. You must be thinking, "Is she writing about me? Is this me?" You'll figure it out soon enough.
One sunny noon,I suddenly stumbled upon a rabbit in the middle of the day. So, very, incredibly, unexpected. I noticed you the first time I met you. I wanted to know you better the first time I met you. But wishes come and go, so I never thought about it anymore. People meet strangers all the time and that's it, right?
Wrong.
I never kept that rabbit as a pet. I never owned it. But I got to know it. I patted him in the back and said, "Are you lost? Let's sit in that bench and talk." So we talked. With each passing minute, with each story we shared, I knew you were going to be different. The story we unveiled was a lot deeper than we usually shared to anyone. I was surprised; but I kept my mask on. I didn't want to reveal the emotions I felt beneath it.
You make me smile.
I know, I know; everyone does. Everyone and everything makes me smile. I'm easily entertained. I laugh at the silliest things. But you-you do, and you say, the things that made it hard for me to contain laughter in public place. Our common interests were insane; you were full of wit, you never think twice of debating me, never think twice to challenge me. I never knew conversations could be that easy.
I really thought we were going to stay friends. But then one morning you uttered a line of sentence that took the words out of my mouth, leaving me shocked and restless and happy and confused. But still, I put my mask on. Nothing was revealed. You, dear Rabbit, asked me then, "Should I stay? With all these heavy baggage? Because if you want me to leave, I'll do it."
I whispered, Stay.
All those times I interacted with you, I kept my mask on. Pushed you away. Didn't make you as a priority. Feigned ignorance. Said all the things I didn't mean. Until one day, you left. You bowed down with your magic hat and you left. I watched. And didn't say anything. I had the weirdest sensation in my stomach; which was when I realized, you're not just any rabbit. I managed to get you off my mind in the next couple of weeks, because I had other things in mind.
Eventually, long story short, I decided to take my mask down. I took a deep breath, raised my arm, and pulled it off. I breathed in some fresh air, ready to smile. Ready to laugh. Too late; the minute I take off my mask, you turned your back on me. I watched. Me being me, I didn't say anything. You got up on your two feet and you left.
I thought we were supposed to wave goodbye first before we turn around.
I whispered, Stay.
Dear You, she wrote. This, is the one place I know that you wouldn't read (anymore). Which is good. Because I wouldn't have the guts to say these to you. I kept everything to myself, and I can't take it anymore. Well, here goes.
You were my definition of Comfort.
I tried to resist saying it out loud; you took me by surprise. You were sincere, you were patient; you were THERE. You did one thing that only one person was able to do it previously; you do things I wanted you to do even without me saying it out loud.
Seriously? She smiled. You seriously still can't figure out who I'm talking about here?
Yes, it's you. Stop glancing left and right and start opening your eyes; don't keep staring at your shoes. She stopped writing, wondering if she should write the next sentence.
You remember when I said back then, I hear something breaking in the distance but the sound is still too vague for me to figure out what it is?
I know it now.
I never thought that the lost rabbit I bumped into, a random face amongst 230 million population in the country, will lead to this. The smile we exchanged, back a gazilion years ago; I never thought it could lead to this. But there's no use looking back, so let's keep our eyes glued on the future and on someone else.
I know you do already.
What you're doing right now; I have to say, it lets me down. Is it really that easy for you to turn around and hop away as if nothing happened? I was just doing the right thing, back then.
Remember; remember every single word I said because I meant them. I might have looked careless and ignorant, but I wasn't. Remember; if I really had changed you, if you weren't lying your butts off when you said it, maintain it. Remember; the promise you made, even though I know the deal is off now, remember to keep your words the next time. Remember; the songs. You know exactly which ones. Remember; the laughter. The twinkle in her eyes. The way they lit up. Remember; the coffee shop.
When we cross paths again, one day, someday,be it when we're old and grey, I'll smile. Not at you, but to myself. Reminiscing the times, shaking my head in disbelief. For such a short timing, it sure was an out-of-this-world feeling. The kind of feeling the lead male character gives the female character in novels. A storybook romance with no fairytale ending. I'll pass you by, and I won't really care if you remember. The moment our shoulders brush will be the moment the smile creeps to my face. And by then, I'll whisper, "Thank you."
You might have heard it and turned around, or you might have not. You might have turned and stared, trying to figure out where you knew that girl; she seems familiar, somehow.
I can't answer that for you. The only person who will know it, is you. But I do know one thing for sure, and this, I will only say once. This, I only have the nerve to say once in my life.
She's the girl who will never forget how you once made her feel.
***
I will probably delete this post; soon.
Hi. How are you?
It used to be a really simple question, but I really am wondering how you've been.
She paused for a minute, and picked up her pen again. You know; I have tons, and I mean TONS of things to say to you. But I've shut the door, remember? Shutting it closed and locking it and throwing away the key, because opening it will be like opening a dam and everything will rush out. And I don't want that.
We both don't.
You must be wondering who I'm talking about here. You must be thinking, "Is she writing about me? Is this me?" You'll figure it out soon enough.
One sunny noon,I suddenly stumbled upon a rabbit in the middle of the day. So, very, incredibly, unexpected. I noticed you the first time I met you. I wanted to know you better the first time I met you. But wishes come and go, so I never thought about it anymore. People meet strangers all the time and that's it, right?
Wrong.
I never kept that rabbit as a pet. I never owned it. But I got to know it. I patted him in the back and said, "Are you lost? Let's sit in that bench and talk." So we talked. With each passing minute, with each story we shared, I knew you were going to be different. The story we unveiled was a lot deeper than we usually shared to anyone. I was surprised; but I kept my mask on. I didn't want to reveal the emotions I felt beneath it.
You make me smile.
I know, I know; everyone does. Everyone and everything makes me smile. I'm easily entertained. I laugh at the silliest things. But you-you do, and you say, the things that made it hard for me to contain laughter in public place. Our common interests were insane; you were full of wit, you never think twice of debating me, never think twice to challenge me. I never knew conversations could be that easy.
I really thought we were going to stay friends. But then one morning you uttered a line of sentence that took the words out of my mouth, leaving me shocked and restless and happy and confused. But still, I put my mask on. Nothing was revealed. You, dear Rabbit, asked me then, "Should I stay? With all these heavy baggage? Because if you want me to leave, I'll do it."
I whispered, Stay.
All those times I interacted with you, I kept my mask on. Pushed you away. Didn't make you as a priority. Feigned ignorance. Said all the things I didn't mean. Until one day, you left. You bowed down with your magic hat and you left. I watched. And didn't say anything. I had the weirdest sensation in my stomach; which was when I realized, you're not just any rabbit. I managed to get you off my mind in the next couple of weeks, because I had other things in mind.
Eventually, long story short, I decided to take my mask down. I took a deep breath, raised my arm, and pulled it off. I breathed in some fresh air, ready to smile. Ready to laugh. Too late; the minute I take off my mask, you turned your back on me. I watched. Me being me, I didn't say anything. You got up on your two feet and you left.
I thought we were supposed to wave goodbye first before we turn around.
I whispered, Stay.
Dear You, she wrote. This, is the one place I know that you wouldn't read (anymore). Which is good. Because I wouldn't have the guts to say these to you. I kept everything to myself, and I can't take it anymore. Well, here goes.
You were my definition of Comfort.
I tried to resist saying it out loud; you took me by surprise. You were sincere, you were patient; you were THERE. You did one thing that only one person was able to do it previously; you do things I wanted you to do even without me saying it out loud.
Seriously? She smiled. You seriously still can't figure out who I'm talking about here?
Yes, it's you. Stop glancing left and right and start opening your eyes; don't keep staring at your shoes. She stopped writing, wondering if she should write the next sentence.
You remember when I said back then, I hear something breaking in the distance but the sound is still too vague for me to figure out what it is?
I know it now.
I never thought that the lost rabbit I bumped into, a random face amongst 230 million population in the country, will lead to this. The smile we exchanged, back a gazilion years ago; I never thought it could lead to this. But there's no use looking back, so let's keep our eyes glued on the future and on someone else.
I know you do already.
What you're doing right now; I have to say, it lets me down. Is it really that easy for you to turn around and hop away as if nothing happened? I was just doing the right thing, back then.
Remember; remember every single word I said because I meant them. I might have looked careless and ignorant, but I wasn't. Remember; if I really had changed you, if you weren't lying your butts off when you said it, maintain it. Remember; the promise you made, even though I know the deal is off now, remember to keep your words the next time. Remember; the songs. You know exactly which ones. Remember; the laughter. The twinkle in her eyes. The way they lit up. Remember; the coffee shop.
When we cross paths again, one day, someday,be it when we're old and grey, I'll smile. Not at you, but to myself. Reminiscing the times, shaking my head in disbelief. For such a short timing, it sure was an out-of-this-world feeling. The kind of feeling the lead male character gives the female character in novels. A storybook romance with no fairytale ending. I'll pass you by, and I won't really care if you remember. The moment our shoulders brush will be the moment the smile creeps to my face. And by then, I'll whisper, "Thank you."
You might have heard it and turned around, or you might have not. You might have turned and stared, trying to figure out where you knew that girl; she seems familiar, somehow.
I can't answer that for you. The only person who will know it, is you. But I do know one thing for sure, and this, I will only say once. This, I only have the nerve to say once in my life.
She's the girl who will never forget how you once made her feel.
***
I will probably delete this post; soon.
possibly one of the best blog posts I have ever seen.
Before anything else, check out what my best friend wrote in her blog a few months ago (the link is here) :
"I should forget to remember you. Just like you always remember to forget me.
I hate you. And if I’m totally honest, maybe I miss you.
But I deserve someone who will stay.
Not someone who's gonna look me in the eye and whisper things this ear wants to hear.
Doesn't have to be the primary star of the football team.
Doesn't even have to be my oh-so-other half or McSomething.
Basically, doesn't have to be you.
I deserve someone who will just simply stay.
From January to December, today 'til forever."
I'm simply out of words.
"I should forget to remember you. Just like you always remember to forget me.
I hate you. And if I’m totally honest, maybe I miss you.
But I deserve someone who will stay.
Not someone who's gonna look me in the eye and whisper things this ear wants to hear.
Doesn't have to be the primary star of the football team.
Doesn't even have to be my oh-so-other half or McSomething.
Basically, doesn't have to be you.
I deserve someone who will just simply stay.
From January to December, today 'til forever."
I'm simply out of words.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
nice.
"I can always take care of myself, but i want to meet that one person who can prove it to me that I can't.",-
The quote above represents half of this pent-up feelings inside that I have been completely, utterly speechless about in the past few days. This, is exactly what I mean when I wrote "I'd like to have my hand held when I cross the street sometimes" in the earlier post.
No, it doesn't mean I'm whiny and clingy. And if yes, so what? You're the person I want to unload all my complaints to. You're the person I choose to listen to all my sad stories to, person I want to be hugged by, the person I want to take care of in return, you're the only person I choose to be clingy with. Ever think about it like that?
I didn't think so.
The quote above represents half of this pent-up feelings inside that I have been completely, utterly speechless about in the past few days. This, is exactly what I mean when I wrote "I'd like to have my hand held when I cross the street sometimes" in the earlier post.
No, it doesn't mean I'm whiny and clingy. And if yes, so what? You're the person I want to unload all my complaints to. You're the person I choose to listen to all my sad stories to, person I want to be hugged by, the person I want to take care of in return, you're the only person I choose to be clingy with. Ever think about it like that?
I didn't think so.
Sunday, May 2, 2010
don't let your head get any bigger; please.
You know how people always say there's a silver lining in every cloud ? Well the good thing from this whole breakup thing is that I get to do a number of things I almost wanted to do and never did before. It's nice to go out to places I never visited before and meet old friends and new people. All for the sake of a good time.
And seriously, I can't say this enough; you get to know who your real friends are. Even those who have been out of touch for years suddenly heard about the news and gave you a call, a text, a ping, asking what's wrong, how could it have happened, and then take you out for dinner. None of them wants me to stay alone in the house, nobody wants me to be miserable.
My newest hobby right now is just to gaze into nothingness and let my mind gradually slip away. I don't want to think about anything.
This dear good friend of mine -you know who you are- told me that 'sadness is a form of art' and that overcoming it will be an achievement. It's words and advises like that that keep me smiling. Even though I just got out of an almost-five-years relationship, I'm not alone; and with friends like that, I will never be. It gets the hardest at nights and on weekends, honestly, but I'll get through this. It is never easy at the beginning.
On a slightly separate note, I've been disappointed with some other thing. Let's just say, I think my point was right back then; that all banks are the same. Even the ones you thought were good, honest and trustworthy turns out to be dishonest and plainly disappointing. People just can't hold on to their words these days, sadly.
Oh, I also discovered something weird yesterday morning when I woke up; my journal! It was under my bed and I flipped through it and it was hilarious to see how dramatic I was in high school. But some of the entries made me smile because they brought back certain memories. I sat there and read those pages thinking, you have no idea what's gonna happen; if you did, you wouldn't write these stuff.
It's funny, really, how we saw that person back then and how we see them now. Funny how they change but remain the same, too. And how my perceptions towards them also shift, in a good way. Funny how we thought the people who were gonna leave at the beginning, turns out to be the ones who stay until today.
And vice versa.
I guess some people aren't meant to leave. And some aren't meant to stay. When the second one happens, the best thing to do is to sincerely let them go. And I do. Seriously. It was amazing while it lasted, but if that person suddenly changes and turns their back on you, let go. That's just one less person to deal with in this million-population world. Thanks for the memories.
And when they turn out to stay, always, by your side, even if you can't see them all the time, then be grateful. I have this one friend who I thought I've lost forever, a couple of times, in the past few years .It used to make me sad and upset at the thought of losing him and that it was 'the end', caused by many factors. But no. That friend always returns, in the most unexpected timing and ways. Return to remind you again about warmth and comfort and saying all the right words to make you laugh.
That's exactly the kind of people you have to keep in your life, no matter what.
Being 'alone' really makes you appreciate the little things, too. And it makes you somewhat more mature. Someone also told me, 'never be in denial. Be sad when you're sad and be happy when you're happy.' I'm currently in-between those two feelings. I keep being surprised and taken aback by the people who approached me these past few days, the ones who offer their shoulders for me to cry on. I never thought it would come from them; but then again, I like the feeling of being surprised.
Wow, writing really feels good. So I think from now on I'm gonna focus on only one person that matters the most: me. I will do things that make me happy. As long as it doesn't cause anybody harm, it's fine, right? I bowed down for so many years that now it's time to finally stand up and get the recognition I deserve. Culinary lessons? Italian language course? Traditional dance practices? Sign me up. The busier I get, the better. I might not have my hand held throughout the process anymore, but I'll live. I might have lost my spirit-booster, but, again, I'll live.
I've had enough dealing with the wrong people and issues in the past; from now on, I'll just deal with those who really matter. Hey-funny thing; it was raining hard when I started writing this post, and now that I'm almost done, it's sunny again out there. Haha. A sign?
Wait; speaking of signs, I'm starting to not believe in them anymore. I used to smile to myself thinking about "signs" but maybe it's all just a load of unnecessary coincidences. Who knows? From now on, I will not read too much into something, in order not to wake up this monster called Insecurity sleeping inside. Why think about something that doesn't involve you anymore?
This must be one of the longest blog post I've ever written; but who cares? I feel relieved. Writing feels good. Words are flying left and right with no barriers; I like it.
Have a good Sunday everyone, I hope Monday and the rest of next week will bring happiness and smiles to our faces.
And seriously, I can't say this enough; you get to know who your real friends are. Even those who have been out of touch for years suddenly heard about the news and gave you a call, a text, a ping, asking what's wrong, how could it have happened, and then take you out for dinner. None of them wants me to stay alone in the house, nobody wants me to be miserable.
My newest hobby right now is just to gaze into nothingness and let my mind gradually slip away. I don't want to think about anything.
This dear good friend of mine -you know who you are- told me that 'sadness is a form of art' and that overcoming it will be an achievement. It's words and advises like that that keep me smiling. Even though I just got out of an almost-five-years relationship, I'm not alone; and with friends like that, I will never be. It gets the hardest at nights and on weekends, honestly, but I'll get through this. It is never easy at the beginning.
On a slightly separate note, I've been disappointed with some other thing. Let's just say, I think my point was right back then; that all banks are the same. Even the ones you thought were good, honest and trustworthy turns out to be dishonest and plainly disappointing. People just can't hold on to their words these days, sadly.
Oh, I also discovered something weird yesterday morning when I woke up; my journal! It was under my bed and I flipped through it and it was hilarious to see how dramatic I was in high school. But some of the entries made me smile because they brought back certain memories. I sat there and read those pages thinking, you have no idea what's gonna happen; if you did, you wouldn't write these stuff.
It's funny, really, how we saw that person back then and how we see them now. Funny how they change but remain the same, too. And how my perceptions towards them also shift, in a good way. Funny how we thought the people who were gonna leave at the beginning, turns out to be the ones who stay until today.
And vice versa.
I guess some people aren't meant to leave. And some aren't meant to stay. When the second one happens, the best thing to do is to sincerely let them go. And I do. Seriously. It was amazing while it lasted, but if that person suddenly changes and turns their back on you, let go. That's just one less person to deal with in this million-population world. Thanks for the memories.
And when they turn out to stay, always, by your side, even if you can't see them all the time, then be grateful. I have this one friend who I thought I've lost forever, a couple of times, in the past few years .It used to make me sad and upset at the thought of losing him and that it was 'the end', caused by many factors. But no. That friend always returns, in the most unexpected timing and ways. Return to remind you again about warmth and comfort and saying all the right words to make you laugh.
That's exactly the kind of people you have to keep in your life, no matter what.
Being 'alone' really makes you appreciate the little things, too. And it makes you somewhat more mature. Someone also told me, 'never be in denial. Be sad when you're sad and be happy when you're happy.' I'm currently in-between those two feelings. I keep being surprised and taken aback by the people who approached me these past few days, the ones who offer their shoulders for me to cry on. I never thought it would come from them; but then again, I like the feeling of being surprised.
Wow, writing really feels good. So I think from now on I'm gonna focus on only one person that matters the most: me. I will do things that make me happy. As long as it doesn't cause anybody harm, it's fine, right? I bowed down for so many years that now it's time to finally stand up and get the recognition I deserve. Culinary lessons? Italian language course? Traditional dance practices? Sign me up. The busier I get, the better. I might not have my hand held throughout the process anymore, but I'll live. I might have lost my spirit-booster, but, again, I'll live.
I've had enough dealing with the wrong people and issues in the past; from now on, I'll just deal with those who really matter. Hey-funny thing; it was raining hard when I started writing this post, and now that I'm almost done, it's sunny again out there. Haha. A sign?
Wait; speaking of signs, I'm starting to not believe in them anymore. I used to smile to myself thinking about "signs" but maybe it's all just a load of unnecessary coincidences. Who knows? From now on, I will not read too much into something, in order not to wake up this monster called Insecurity sleeping inside. Why think about something that doesn't involve you anymore?
This must be one of the longest blog post I've ever written; but who cares? I feel relieved. Writing feels good. Words are flying left and right with no barriers; I like it.
Have a good Sunday everyone, I hope Monday and the rest of next week will bring happiness and smiles to our faces.
Monday, April 26, 2010
It's never easy when something has to end.
Four years; what's that, 1000 days? More?
It would be stupid for you to ask me how I feel; this is surreal. I can't remember the last time I was not with someone in my daily life.
You know how companies give out standby statements, deliver key messages, and so forth in communications world? I need those. I need to prepare some kind of a standby statement so people will stop asking "what's wrong"?
And lucky me, I have these super friends who are doing just that. Spreading the news quietly so I don't have to deal.
In the past few weeks I was a wreck, asking left and right whther I should do this. I think some of my friends see something that I don't. But in a way, I also see something they don't.
That this is for the best, for both of us.
At first I thought, "God please I hope I'm not making a mistake." But in the past two days I've come to think, "Even if I did make a mistake, so what?" Without making mistakes, you will never learn.
So, I guess this is it.
I can't write any more than this; not yet.
Be good. =)
It would be stupid for you to ask me how I feel; this is surreal. I can't remember the last time I was not with someone in my daily life.
You know how companies give out standby statements, deliver key messages, and so forth in communications world? I need those. I need to prepare some kind of a standby statement so people will stop asking "what's wrong"?
And lucky me, I have these super friends who are doing just that. Spreading the news quietly so I don't have to deal.
In the past few weeks I was a wreck, asking left and right whther I should do this. I think some of my friends see something that I don't. But in a way, I also see something they don't.
That this is for the best, for both of us.
At first I thought, "God please I hope I'm not making a mistake." But in the past two days I've come to think, "Even if I did make a mistake, so what?" Without making mistakes, you will never learn.
So, I guess this is it.
I can't write any more than this; not yet.
Be good. =)
Friday, April 16, 2010
the perishers- pills
It started as a small pile that nobody couldn't care less about, but it piled up and up and up to a huge, overwhelming mountain. That's what you get when you ignore small things.
You thought it won't matter, but it did. It does. And now you're stuck and have no idea how to melt that mountain, how to move or at least push it a bit. It's too late. You've been swallowing sands for the past years and now suddenly you want to throw it all up.
See how dangerous it is when you try to hold back?
But being you, you're willing to give a second chance. Or third. Or fourth. Or two millionth. Please, don't screw up this time. Any little mistake will make you turn your back and walk away from the mountain without even trying.
You believe that everyone's good inside. That they want the best for you, that's all. But sometimes they're doing it all wrong. They twist and turn and eventually forget what they were about to do in the first place instead.
I don't know what i've been feeling these past few days. Not sadness but not happiness either; somewhere in-between. I never felt this before. Like something's tugging at your chest but you don't know what. Something bad is hanging in the air but you dont know what. I dont like second-guessing. Something smells fake.
I should've said something, from day One. From the second I smell the smoke, before I detect the fire. From the second I felt something was not right, back those few years ago, I should have said something.
Yet I nodded and smiled and pretended (wished?) that I was okay. That everything is under control. That everything is gonna be all right til the end.
Nobody warned me that you must sacrifice yourself and your feelings to THIS point when you're in a relationship.
It turns out that even my (few) best friends can tell what's going on from the beginning.
I guess I didn't listen to them because I didn't want to be proven wrong. But the vision is getting clearer and now, again, I'm stuck. Too late.
Are there such things as "too late"?
"I care about this, about us, about you. More than anyone else."
I really do.
But apparently it IS stupid to wish that people can read your mind and do exactly what you want without you telling them. A person like that is impossible to find.
So. Two millionth chance, anyone..?
You thought it won't matter, but it did. It does. And now you're stuck and have no idea how to melt that mountain, how to move or at least push it a bit. It's too late. You've been swallowing sands for the past years and now suddenly you want to throw it all up.
See how dangerous it is when you try to hold back?
But being you, you're willing to give a second chance. Or third. Or fourth. Or two millionth. Please, don't screw up this time. Any little mistake will make you turn your back and walk away from the mountain without even trying.
You believe that everyone's good inside. That they want the best for you, that's all. But sometimes they're doing it all wrong. They twist and turn and eventually forget what they were about to do in the first place instead.
I don't know what i've been feeling these past few days. Not sadness but not happiness either; somewhere in-between. I never felt this before. Like something's tugging at your chest but you don't know what. Something bad is hanging in the air but you dont know what. I dont like second-guessing. Something smells fake.
I should've said something, from day One. From the second I smell the smoke, before I detect the fire. From the second I felt something was not right, back those few years ago, I should have said something.
Yet I nodded and smiled and pretended (wished?) that I was okay. That everything is under control. That everything is gonna be all right til the end.
Nobody warned me that you must sacrifice yourself and your feelings to THIS point when you're in a relationship.
It turns out that even my (few) best friends can tell what's going on from the beginning.
I guess I didn't listen to them because I didn't want to be proven wrong. But the vision is getting clearer and now, again, I'm stuck. Too late.
Are there such things as "too late"?
"I care about this, about us, about you. More than anyone else."
I really do.
But apparently it IS stupid to wish that people can read your mind and do exactly what you want without you telling them. A person like that is impossible to find.
So. Two millionth chance, anyone..?
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
"detail and measurable things"
Learning to let go. Of things, of people, of used items , of feelings.
If I could say one thing, is that I'm sick listening to other people. You don't get to live my life on a daily basis; I do.
If I could say one thing, is that I'm sick listening to other people. You don't get to live my life on a daily basis; I do.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
dead end
It's really annoying when you want to do something and scream out something...but you don't have the rights to.
You can't tell your friend to pick another sweater color for her dog because it's not your dog. You can't tell your neighbor to grow a rose instead of lilies because it's not your garden. You simply don't have the rights. They will look down at you and think you're crazy instead. You can't force them to keep growing roses for the rest of their lives, or at least until you move out of the neighborhood. What are you going to say to them? "Please keep growing roses while I'm still here, but you can do whatever you want when I'm gone" ?
But then how long will they have to wait?
And who says they have to wait, anyway?
How many times can a person be selfish in one lifetime ?
So let them go; if they want to grow lilies instead, let them. You're nobody; you're just a neighbor. You don't get a say in this. You don't have the right to voice your opinion, no matter how much it is disturbing you.
Especially since you still have no idea when you're gonna move out of that neighborhood.
You can't tell your friend to pick another sweater color for her dog because it's not your dog. You can't tell your neighbor to grow a rose instead of lilies because it's not your garden. You simply don't have the rights. They will look down at you and think you're crazy instead. You can't force them to keep growing roses for the rest of their lives, or at least until you move out of the neighborhood. What are you going to say to them? "Please keep growing roses while I'm still here, but you can do whatever you want when I'm gone" ?
But then how long will they have to wait?
And who says they have to wait, anyway?
How many times can a person be selfish in one lifetime ?
So let them go; if they want to grow lilies instead, let them. You're nobody; you're just a neighbor. You don't get a say in this. You don't have the right to voice your opinion, no matter how much it is disturbing you.
Especially since you still have no idea when you're gonna move out of that neighborhood.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
warningsign
I know I'm a communications major, but when it comes to personal, I screw up. Words are just flying out of my mouth with no warning and it takes me, what, five full minutes just to deliver what I really mean. Which is why I tend to use examples instead. Weird ones.
OK so here's the case.
I don't like the word 'traumatic'. It screams regret, pain, sadness, and all the bad stuff. I don't like bad stuff. So I don't know how to sum up this issue without having to develop it in another case example.
Imagine a good day.
Great, sunny, incredible day with blue skies and little kids playing and smiles on everyone's faces. You wake up, with a gut instinct that it's gonna be a good day indeed, that everything will finally go according to plan. That your deepest wishes are about to come true.
You put on your best white shirt and leave the house, singing all the way, smiling to everyone passing you by. You stop at a street cart and bought a yummy strawberry ice cream in a cone. You are heading to the bank to withdraw money, all of it, because you wanna buy a house. You've been planning to buy it since you saw it five years ago. It costs US3000 (ssht, this is just an example) and now you finally have US3100 in the bank, and you don't care that you're almost spending all of it because you've been waiting for this for as long as you can remember.
You step into the bank, greeted warmly by the old man, the guard officer. He kindly directed you where to take a number and wait in the lounge. You sit down, still smiling, still happy, with your leg bouncing. You finally get your turn and receive your US3100 with a huge grin on your face. You even shake the teller's hand and wish her a good day. You turn around, money envelope in hand, thinking what color of wallpaper will match the kitchen in your new house.
And then, you get robbed.
And then, three masked gunmen burst into the bank and held a gun to your face.
In less than five minutes, all your dreams in the past five years vanish.
It happened in such a quick motion, so unexpected, so unpredictable, so shocking that it gives you the most unimaginable pain. Not physical; worse. You are physically completely fine, the gunmen didn't hurt you, but it took away a small part that means the world to you. That goes far beyond 'just cash'. That cash was, in some way, was your future.
So you spend the rest of your life trying not to relish that experience, right? You become so careful in every small thing you do, so closed off, so hesitant because you're traumatic. Because you're so damn scared that it's gonna happen to you again. You only need that kind of experience on in your lfietime, thanks.
What's worse is, you start to lose trust in all banks--not only that particular one where you got robbed.
You become negative, pessimistic on ALL banks, certain that you're just gonna get robbed there anyway, so what's the point of trusting? What's the point of storing your savings if you're just gonna lose it in the end anyway?
What's worse is, not only you lose trust in all banks and you don't wanna save anymore, you also become so fearful and cautious. You can't even bear to put on that white shirt you wore on 'the day'. You don't want any reminders of that particular day.
Long story short, if you bump into any sign, any indication, any reminder of that day, you freak out.
No matter how happy your mood is, when you suddenly see smilar signs of what happened in that day, if you suddenly pass that nice old guard officer, your stomach takes a deep plunge and you become quiet again. 'The day' suddenly haunts you again, shutting you up and out from the outside world. Any reminder of that day scares the hell out of you. You're suddenly scared of sunshine because there was sun on that day. Scared of buying strawberry ice cream because you bought strawberry ice cream on that day.
You know what happens next? You spend the rest of your life trying your best to stay the hell away from the memory of the incident and trying your best to prevent it from happening again; no matter what it takes.
Goodbye, trust. Welcome, insecurity.
OK so here's the case.
I don't like the word 'traumatic'. It screams regret, pain, sadness, and all the bad stuff. I don't like bad stuff. So I don't know how to sum up this issue without having to develop it in another case example.
Imagine a good day.
Great, sunny, incredible day with blue skies and little kids playing and smiles on everyone's faces. You wake up, with a gut instinct that it's gonna be a good day indeed, that everything will finally go according to plan. That your deepest wishes are about to come true.
You put on your best white shirt and leave the house, singing all the way, smiling to everyone passing you by. You stop at a street cart and bought a yummy strawberry ice cream in a cone. You are heading to the bank to withdraw money, all of it, because you wanna buy a house. You've been planning to buy it since you saw it five years ago. It costs US3000 (ssht, this is just an example) and now you finally have US3100 in the bank, and you don't care that you're almost spending all of it because you've been waiting for this for as long as you can remember.
You step into the bank, greeted warmly by the old man, the guard officer. He kindly directed you where to take a number and wait in the lounge. You sit down, still smiling, still happy, with your leg bouncing. You finally get your turn and receive your US3100 with a huge grin on your face. You even shake the teller's hand and wish her a good day. You turn around, money envelope in hand, thinking what color of wallpaper will match the kitchen in your new house.
And then, you get robbed.
And then, three masked gunmen burst into the bank and held a gun to your face.
In less than five minutes, all your dreams in the past five years vanish.
It happened in such a quick motion, so unexpected, so unpredictable, so shocking that it gives you the most unimaginable pain. Not physical; worse. You are physically completely fine, the gunmen didn't hurt you, but it took away a small part that means the world to you. That goes far beyond 'just cash'. That cash was, in some way, was your future.
So you spend the rest of your life trying not to relish that experience, right? You become so careful in every small thing you do, so closed off, so hesitant because you're traumatic. Because you're so damn scared that it's gonna happen to you again. You only need that kind of experience on in your lfietime, thanks.
What's worse is, you start to lose trust in all banks--not only that particular one where you got robbed.
You become negative, pessimistic on ALL banks, certain that you're just gonna get robbed there anyway, so what's the point of trusting? What's the point of storing your savings if you're just gonna lose it in the end anyway?
What's worse is, not only you lose trust in all banks and you don't wanna save anymore, you also become so fearful and cautious. You can't even bear to put on that white shirt you wore on 'the day'. You don't want any reminders of that particular day.
Long story short, if you bump into any sign, any indication, any reminder of that day, you freak out.
No matter how happy your mood is, when you suddenly see smilar signs of what happened in that day, if you suddenly pass that nice old guard officer, your stomach takes a deep plunge and you become quiet again. 'The day' suddenly haunts you again, shutting you up and out from the outside world. Any reminder of that day scares the hell out of you. You're suddenly scared of sunshine because there was sun on that day. Scared of buying strawberry ice cream because you bought strawberry ice cream on that day.
You know what happens next? You spend the rest of your life trying your best to stay the hell away from the memory of the incident and trying your best to prevent it from happening again; no matter what it takes.
You know what happens next? Even the smallest incident that reminds you of it, hurts. You build up your walls to avoid disappointment.
Goodbye, trust. Welcome, insecurity.
Do you wanna know the scariest part of it all ? It's when the walls are slowly down again. When you start trusting again. When you take a deep breath and start putting on that white shirt again.
Because when you're prepared to start trusting someone, there's always a chance it's gonna be shattered to pieces anytime without warning.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
"YOU need to be bold, need to jump in the cold."
I know I want to write a lot of things but I can't.
I'm trying this new method called 'bottling up'. In a way, I have to start holding myself back for the greater sake of everyone else.
Everyone else but me, that is.
Anyway, if you've been reading my blog, you notice that I once put my dream wedding details, right? How I've put Van Morrisson's Someone Like You as the dream song? Well I have another song option now which I think will make the perfect song for the big day.
They Bring Me To You - Joshua Radin
You looked like the sun
I was the only one who could stare until you were done shining on me
and as we drank our wine and let the world fade away
the sunrise tried to end it while we tried to stay.
The rest of my life can't compare to this night
and only the heartaches have given me sight,
they bring me to you, they bring me to you.
Moon pours through the ceiling tonight embraces us tight
shows me we're right for each other and as we lie here
and let the world fade away
the sunrise tries to end it while we try to stay.
The rest of my life can't compare to this night
and only the heartaches have given me sight,
they bring me to you, they bring me to you, they bring me to you, they bring me to you.
It's all about the first night and last, some people say
well I love you so much more tonight, more than yesterday.
The rest of my life can't compare to this night
and only the heartaches have given me sight,
they bring me to you, they bring me to you, they bring me to you, they bring me to you.
Seriously, are you kidding me? To have a guy sing their hearts out for you with those lyrics? I really like reading each and every one of the words; I think it's beautiful.
So, there you go. What's your perfect song for your big day ?
I'm trying this new method called 'bottling up'. In a way, I have to start holding myself back for the greater sake of everyone else.
Everyone else but me, that is.
Anyway, if you've been reading my blog, you notice that I once put my dream wedding details, right? How I've put Van Morrisson's Someone Like You as the dream song? Well I have another song option now which I think will make the perfect song for the big day.
They Bring Me To You - Joshua Radin
You looked like the sun
I was the only one who could stare until you were done shining on me
and as we drank our wine and let the world fade away
the sunrise tried to end it while we tried to stay.
The rest of my life can't compare to this night
and only the heartaches have given me sight,
they bring me to you, they bring me to you.
Moon pours through the ceiling tonight embraces us tight
shows me we're right for each other and as we lie here
and let the world fade away
the sunrise tries to end it while we try to stay.
The rest of my life can't compare to this night
and only the heartaches have given me sight,
they bring me to you, they bring me to you, they bring me to you, they bring me to you.
It's all about the first night and last, some people say
well I love you so much more tonight, more than yesterday.
The rest of my life can't compare to this night
and only the heartaches have given me sight,
they bring me to you, they bring me to you, they bring me to you, they bring me to you.
Seriously, are you kidding me? To have a guy sing their hearts out for you with those lyrics? I really like reading each and every one of the words; I think it's beautiful.
So, there you go. What's your perfect song for your big day ?
Sunday, April 4, 2010
a different topic
hai :)
It's Sunday and I don't know what to do and it's only 12 p.m. Yes I get bored easily. I've eaten, watched TV, played with dog, played the internet, and then I realized hey, why not update my blog with another useless/random post?
If you're one of those people who loathes astrology, you'd better stop reading this. Because sometimes I'm drawn to them and I can't stop reading them once I start; it's like watching a car accident. But I don't read the daily stuff, like whether I'm gonna have luck or slip on a wet floor and fall flat on my face or get hit by a bus or something; I also don't care about compatibility match. I just read my start sign profile and what a person in my sign is really like.
I really am not good with words.
So from zodiacfacts's blog, I compiled some stuff:
#Leo : What leo needs is a partner who can tolerate the shows of ego and see through them for what they are : an attempt to let the world know that leo's love is available- all a person needs to do to get it is just say thank you.
(Let's seeee. I do feel bothered when someone fails to say thank you. Is it petty? Selfish? Annoying? Yes, well, that's what makes us human. I bet you regret being friends with me, huh.)
They are the life of any relationship, and a courtship with them will rarely prove dull. They need to be lavished with attention, but can also do that in return. They need lovers who can keep up with them and match there wits. If boredom creeps into the relationship, they look for greener pastures. Also they need a partner who can understand their needs and give them the attention they need.
(SEE !!! I DO get bored easily! So this is one of my traits. Nice. And then I got another one from here)
Leo woman will dominate, but not completely for she still needs the man to lead the way and give her the desired sense of approval, she looks up to her man. Leo woman is perfect for the man who is affectionate and has a strong character but not too controlling. She needs someone who is passionate about everything in their life and who strives for the best in everything, because so does she. Do not look at other women when you are with her, she has to be the only one in your eyes. The thought of competition with other women completely turns her off. The secret of the Leo is that they need to be needed.
(Ridiculous as it is, there's no better paragraph to sum up the characters like the one above. And I particularly like the very last sentence; I don't know why.)
Be funny, Leos love to be entertained and they love to laugh. If you can make them laugh, you're good! Leos like the grand things in life, treat them to a lavish dinner or a cultural upscale event.
(These are two contradicting sentences for me. While the first is absolutely undoubtedly true, the last sentence isn't really the same. I do like the grand things in life, but I also like ALL types of dinner since my most favorite exercise is chewing. But then again I do love cultural events !)
And this one says:
Leos are usually very generous and helpful. They love to spoil friends, family and romantic partners, buying extravagant gifts or blowing their money on a good time. Most are excellent cooks, and they enjoy feeding others.They are quite experimental with cooking and will try unusual food and new recipes. Many look a bit like lions, with smooth cheekbones, large faces, thick wavy hair and catlike eyes. Leo popularity is enhanced by a tendency to share time, energy, money and affection with others. All they require in return is to receive a larger share of affection than the average person. Leos are usually quite soft-hearted and have a particular fondness for children and animals.
(AGREED ! Well I hope I *will be* an excellent cook; that's still yet to be proven. But the other stuff--fondness for kids and animals, loves affections, etc--they're absolutely true. And oh I hope I don't physically look like a lion though :s)
Typical Leos are very helpful and generous to their friends, lovers, and family members, and also very protective. They won't tolerate others badmouthing those they care about, and they're willing to fight about it. However, Leos also have a tendency to be domineering due to a natural inclination for leadership. This can lead to friction when dating strong, independent-minded individuals, though these are exactly the sort of people that Leos tend to be drawn to.
Typical Leos are loyal and romantic. When they fall in love, they fall heavily. A betrayed Leo will not easily get over the hurt. The wounds run deep. When they do forgive, they usually forgive completely, however. Like all the fire signs, they are quick to anger and quick to get over it. Hurt a Leo woman's pride and she roars like a lioness. Still, they don’t like being lied to or deceived and it will take them a long time, if ever, to forgive
(Hm.)
Leo-moon people like to be the center of attention. They require a higher-than-average level of appreciation from those around them in order to feel secure, but most earn this by being generous and helpful.
And, the Leo will take care of matters in the home. To go out and make a living is not so distant for a Leo to think about. In fact, careers and professions are usually very important to a Leo. And, they like being in charge. They like being the supervisors, the leaders within their own business. They don't really care to follow in the back seat of anyone else. Leos pioneer new directions.
(Okay, they're making it sound like I should join the military or something. Yes, I love to lead. But most times, I'd love to be led as well. To have my hand held when I cross the street. To sit back for once and let the other person take a good care of my needs.
ANYWAY.
Let's get back to topic.)
So basically all these star sign stuff are saying all the same things. Interesting.
The weather is so extremely hot, I want ice cream !!!! I don't know why Ben and Jerry's doesn't have a store here in my town. Don't they know people are willing to line up the block just to get a taste of their Chunky Monkey?
And by 'people', I mean me.
I'll post later.
It's Sunday and I don't know what to do and it's only 12 p.m. Yes I get bored easily. I've eaten, watched TV, played with dog, played the internet, and then I realized hey, why not update my blog with another useless/random post?
If you're one of those people who loathes astrology, you'd better stop reading this. Because sometimes I'm drawn to them and I can't stop reading them once I start; it's like watching a car accident. But I don't read the daily stuff, like whether I'm gonna have luck or slip on a wet floor and fall flat on my face or get hit by a bus or something; I also don't care about compatibility match. I just read my start sign profile and what a person in my sign is really like.
I really am not good with words.
So from zodiacfacts's blog, I compiled some stuff:
#Leo : What leo needs is a partner who can tolerate the shows of ego and see through them for what they are : an attempt to let the world know that leo's love is available- all a person needs to do to get it is just say thank you.
(Let's seeee. I do feel bothered when someone fails to say thank you. Is it petty? Selfish? Annoying? Yes, well, that's what makes us human. I bet you regret being friends with me, huh.)
They are the life of any relationship, and a courtship with them will rarely prove dull. They need to be lavished with attention, but can also do that in return. They need lovers who can keep up with them and match there wits. If boredom creeps into the relationship, they look for greener pastures. Also they need a partner who can understand their needs and give them the attention they need.
(SEE !!! I DO get bored easily! So this is one of my traits. Nice. And then I got another one from here)
Leo woman will dominate, but not completely for she still needs the man to lead the way and give her the desired sense of approval, she looks up to her man. Leo woman is perfect for the man who is affectionate and has a strong character but not too controlling. She needs someone who is passionate about everything in their life and who strives for the best in everything, because so does she. Do not look at other women when you are with her, she has to be the only one in your eyes. The thought of competition with other women completely turns her off. The secret of the Leo is that they need to be needed.
(Ridiculous as it is, there's no better paragraph to sum up the characters like the one above. And I particularly like the very last sentence; I don't know why.)
Be funny, Leos love to be entertained and they love to laugh. If you can make them laugh, you're good! Leos like the grand things in life, treat them to a lavish dinner or a cultural upscale event.
(These are two contradicting sentences for me. While the first is absolutely undoubtedly true, the last sentence isn't really the same. I do like the grand things in life, but I also like ALL types of dinner since my most favorite exercise is chewing. But then again I do love cultural events !)
And this one says:
Leos are usually very generous and helpful. They love to spoil friends, family and romantic partners, buying extravagant gifts or blowing their money on a good time. Most are excellent cooks, and they enjoy feeding others.They are quite experimental with cooking and will try unusual food and new recipes. Many look a bit like lions, with smooth cheekbones, large faces, thick wavy hair and catlike eyes. Leo popularity is enhanced by a tendency to share time, energy, money and affection with others. All they require in return is to receive a larger share of affection than the average person. Leos are usually quite soft-hearted and have a particular fondness for children and animals.
(AGREED ! Well I hope I *will be* an excellent cook; that's still yet to be proven. But the other stuff--fondness for kids and animals, loves affections, etc--they're absolutely true. And oh I hope I don't physically look like a lion though :s)
Typical Leos are very helpful and generous to their friends, lovers, and family members, and also very protective. They won't tolerate others badmouthing those they care about, and they're willing to fight about it. However, Leos also have a tendency to be domineering due to a natural inclination for leadership. This can lead to friction when dating strong, independent-minded individuals, though these are exactly the sort of people that Leos tend to be drawn to.
Typical Leos are loyal and romantic. When they fall in love, they fall heavily. A betrayed Leo will not easily get over the hurt. The wounds run deep. When they do forgive, they usually forgive completely, however. Like all the fire signs, they are quick to anger and quick to get over it. Hurt a Leo woman's pride and she roars like a lioness. Still, they don’t like being lied to or deceived and it will take them a long time, if ever, to forgive
(Hm.)
Leo-moon people like to be the center of attention. They require a higher-than-average level of appreciation from those around them in order to feel secure, but most earn this by being generous and helpful.
And, the Leo will take care of matters in the home. To go out and make a living is not so distant for a Leo to think about. In fact, careers and professions are usually very important to a Leo. And, they like being in charge. They like being the supervisors, the leaders within their own business. They don't really care to follow in the back seat of anyone else. Leos pioneer new directions.
(Okay, they're making it sound like I should join the military or something. Yes, I love to lead. But most times, I'd love to be led as well. To have my hand held when I cross the street. To sit back for once and let the other person take a good care of my needs.
ANYWAY.
Let's get back to topic.)
So basically all these star sign stuff are saying all the same things. Interesting.
The weather is so extremely hot, I want ice cream !!!! I don't know why Ben and Jerry's doesn't have a store here in my town. Don't they know people are willing to line up the block just to get a taste of their Chunky Monkey?
And by 'people', I mean me.
I'll post later.
Saturday, March 27, 2010
a loss.
Before I get into anything else, I just want to express my deepest condolences to Mas Bangun's family for the passing of his father this morning due to stroke.
While I only met him a few times, I know he was a stand up guy, an intelligent and full-of-humor father and businessman who loved his big family so much. He already considered my sister as his daughter which is why she is currently a big mess right now.
But seeing his personality, I know that at least thousands of people are praying for him right now to appreciate everything and that he has touched a lot of lives during his good years, and that he must be in a much better place right now.
So I bid you farewell Om Adjie, too bad we did not get the chance to know each other further but it was an honor of mine to have known a man like you. You have left well-mannered and amazing sons and daughter and that is why we are all praying for you up there.
While I only met him a few times, I know he was a stand up guy, an intelligent and full-of-humor father and businessman who loved his big family so much. He already considered my sister as his daughter which is why she is currently a big mess right now.
But seeing his personality, I know that at least thousands of people are praying for him right now to appreciate everything and that he has touched a lot of lives during his good years, and that he must be in a much better place right now.
So I bid you farewell Om Adjie, too bad we did not get the chance to know each other further but it was an honor of mine to have known a man like you. You have left well-mannered and amazing sons and daughter and that is why we are all praying for you up there.
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
take me out of this town
"I was crazy when I said I could do this. And even more delusional when I said I'm fine."
Saturday, March 20, 2010
you shouldn't read this.
Is it possible that one simple sentence could ruin your day ?
Can a person really laugh out loud one day and fall completely and utterly silent the next day ?
I hear the sound of something breaking but it's too distant and too vague that I can't recall what it is.
I don't want you to understand this. Please don't read this again, ever. Leave your marks on the doorstep and just let it be. I can't quite put my finger on this but this feeling is highly unsettling. I never expected this to happen; yet somehow i knew this would happen.
The more I read it, the more I understand.
We will never be able to talk about this, I know. Not with the blocks of defensive walls surrounding you. But I would really appreciate if you would just slip a note under the door before you turn around and let the door close behind you.
Selfish, greedy, careless about other people's feelings; those are not her usual characteristics. But people are bound to slip sometimes. And while some people tend to bottle up their feelings, I can't. If I were a bottle, the list of ingredients wouldn't fill the paper. I have too much going on in my head. One particular thought has been staying there for weeks and it just told me that it's not going anywhere.
This is serious, isn't it?
Again, I don't know how to contain what I feel. I'm usually very open and direct and I blurt out every single thing I feel. I shout joyfully when I'm happy and I frown when I'm sad. I can't hide feelings. I don't know how.
But maybe, just maybe, this time I have to clam up and quiet down and zip my lips. For once.
There's always a first time for everything.
So, thanks.
I don't know why you fill my head.
Can a person really laugh out loud one day and fall completely and utterly silent the next day ?
I hear the sound of something breaking but it's too distant and too vague that I can't recall what it is.
I don't want you to understand this. Please don't read this again, ever. Leave your marks on the doorstep and just let it be. I can't quite put my finger on this but this feeling is highly unsettling. I never expected this to happen; yet somehow i knew this would happen.
The more I read it, the more I understand.
We will never be able to talk about this, I know. Not with the blocks of defensive walls surrounding you. But I would really appreciate if you would just slip a note under the door before you turn around and let the door close behind you.
Selfish, greedy, careless about other people's feelings; those are not her usual characteristics. But people are bound to slip sometimes. And while some people tend to bottle up their feelings, I can't. If I were a bottle, the list of ingredients wouldn't fill the paper. I have too much going on in my head. One particular thought has been staying there for weeks and it just told me that it's not going anywhere.
This is serious, isn't it?
Again, I don't know how to contain what I feel. I'm usually very open and direct and I blurt out every single thing I feel. I shout joyfully when I'm happy and I frown when I'm sad. I can't hide feelings. I don't know how.
But maybe, just maybe, this time I have to clam up and quiet down and zip my lips. For once.
There's always a first time for everything.
So, thanks.
I don't know why you fill my head.
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
catching me off guard
Relieved, free, letting out final sighs of happiness and pleasure.
I am all smiles again.
The burden's been lifted, a burden I didn't even know I had until it was taken off of my shoulders, which makes it even more relieving. All of the question marks, the queasiness, the worrying, the tiredness have all vanished into thin air ALL at the SAME TIME, slowly turning that question mark into a "=" and a ")".
It is true after all, that you need an extra fresh ice-cold water to be thrown into your face to realize that you've been living in a destructive heat all this time. You are now able to see things in a clearer view, put on a bigger and more sincere smile, stand up tall and straight and finally head to the direction you've been meaning to walk toward to.
"Thank you, for all the negativity you caused, because now I can see nothing but great positivity laying ahead." -
If you don't know me, you probably don't know what I'm talking about.
If you do know me, stop your train of thoughts--no, this is not about "that". This is something new, something incredibly brand new that is so surprising that just smacks me right in the face and wakes me up out of the long,incredibly LONG sleep I've been caught in the middle of.
If you really, really, really know me, without a doubt, you know what I'm talking about.
I kind of hope you don't, though. I like writing in metaphors and intrigues and mysteries that nobody could guess.
By the way, in a much more random note, I wanna go back to Bangkok with my bestfriends. I'm currently seeing our tri photos on facebook now and I'm smiling and grinning to myself just by looking at those.
I am all smiles again.
The burden's been lifted, a burden I didn't even know I had until it was taken off of my shoulders, which makes it even more relieving. All of the question marks, the queasiness, the worrying, the tiredness have all vanished into thin air ALL at the SAME TIME, slowly turning that question mark into a "=" and a ")".
It is true after all, that you need an extra fresh ice-cold water to be thrown into your face to realize that you've been living in a destructive heat all this time. You are now able to see things in a clearer view, put on a bigger and more sincere smile, stand up tall and straight and finally head to the direction you've been meaning to walk toward to.
"Thank you, for all the negativity you caused, because now I can see nothing but great positivity laying ahead." -
If you don't know me, you probably don't know what I'm talking about.
If you do know me, stop your train of thoughts--no, this is not about "that". This is something new, something incredibly brand new that is so surprising that just smacks me right in the face and wakes me up out of the long,incredibly LONG sleep I've been caught in the middle of.
If you really, really, really know me, without a doubt, you know what I'm talking about.
I kind of hope you don't, though. I like writing in metaphors and intrigues and mysteries that nobody could guess.
By the way, in a much more random note, I wanna go back to Bangkok with my bestfriends. I'm currently seeing our tri photos on facebook now and I'm smiling and grinning to myself just by looking at those.
Sunday, March 7, 2010
a moment to think about
Jim Carrey's Yes Man is playing on StarMovies and surprisingly it doesn't lift up my mood.
There were a few (small) events today that did not match my expectations and thus making me feel like I need distractions; I wanna get out for some quick ice cream. Some Cold Stone cheesecake ice cream with biscuit crumbs that will bring a well-deserved smile on my face. I don't know what's wrong exactly, though, I just felt something unsettling but I can't figure out what. This is driving me crazy.
Maybe it's because I had a two-day intensive office training that wore me out; but I had fun, surprisingly. It wasnt what i had in mind. So maybe the key here is to just smile and nod along with no expectation stamped on your forehead.
I had a good dinner with my friends on Friday night.
I think Jim Carrey is getting old, physically.
Now I'm just throwing out random stuff. Sometimes I wonder whether I am heading to the right direction. Everything-wise. But I guess that's part of the excitement, right? That intense feeling of not knowing whether you'll come on top or hit the wall ? I used to love that! Even though i hate uncertainty, i do love excitement.
Right. Before I bore you to tears, I'd better stop this now. I will post a much more meaningful stuff later on, I promise.
There were a few (small) events today that did not match my expectations and thus making me feel like I need distractions; I wanna get out for some quick ice cream. Some Cold Stone cheesecake ice cream with biscuit crumbs that will bring a well-deserved smile on my face. I don't know what's wrong exactly, though, I just felt something unsettling but I can't figure out what. This is driving me crazy.
Maybe it's because I had a two-day intensive office training that wore me out; but I had fun, surprisingly. It wasnt what i had in mind. So maybe the key here is to just smile and nod along with no expectation stamped on your forehead.
I had a good dinner with my friends on Friday night.
I think Jim Carrey is getting old, physically.
Now I'm just throwing out random stuff. Sometimes I wonder whether I am heading to the right direction. Everything-wise. But I guess that's part of the excitement, right? That intense feeling of not knowing whether you'll come on top or hit the wall ? I used to love that! Even though i hate uncertainty, i do love excitement.
Right. Before I bore you to tears, I'd better stop this now. I will post a much more meaningful stuff later on, I promise.
Saturday, February 27, 2010
seven deadly sins
What are those, again ? The seven deadly sins? Lust, Envy, Greed...I should have googled it first but I'm too lazy. So there you have it.
I think Hypocrisy (Hypocricy?) should be included as well. I'm scared of that word recently.
I'm scared of a lot of things recently. I'm scared of being left in the dark, of being kept in the harsh light, of being lied to, of lying, of being disappointed,....and to disappoint. Scared of knowing things I shouldn't have known about, of feelings I should not be familiar with, scared to forgot, scared to be forgotten, scared to leave footprints, scared to be left with other's footprints. I'm scared of smiling.
I'm scared of being scared all the time- for once I don't want to be careful in every tiny thing I do, I want to let go, I want to scream the most offensive language known to mankind but I know I can't. Not because I'm not allowed to but because I don't have that kind of bone in me. I don't want to think about other people's feelings all the time but I know I can't.
Heck, I get upset just seeing a forgotten pair of rusty children shoe lying motionless in the middle of the street. I can't kill flies. I can't stand not apologizing every minute of the day. Well not literally.
So yeah I don't know if it has anything to do with hypocrisy, or...guilt instead.
I'll post later.
I think Hypocrisy (Hypocricy?) should be included as well. I'm scared of that word recently.
I'm scared of a lot of things recently. I'm scared of being left in the dark, of being kept in the harsh light, of being lied to, of lying, of being disappointed,....and to disappoint. Scared of knowing things I shouldn't have known about, of feelings I should not be familiar with, scared to forgot, scared to be forgotten, scared to leave footprints, scared to be left with other's footprints. I'm scared of smiling.
I'm scared of being scared all the time- for once I don't want to be careful in every tiny thing I do, I want to let go, I want to scream the most offensive language known to mankind but I know I can't. Not because I'm not allowed to but because I don't have that kind of bone in me. I don't want to think about other people's feelings all the time but I know I can't.
Heck, I get upset just seeing a forgotten pair of rusty children shoe lying motionless in the middle of the street. I can't kill flies. I can't stand not apologizing every minute of the day. Well not literally.
So yeah I don't know if it has anything to do with hypocrisy, or...guilt instead.
I'll post later.
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
The second, and final, part of my treasured trip
Okay, I know I planned to create a day-by-day, illustrated postings on my Bangkok trip. But if you're really close with me, you know how my mind changes as often as....I don't know. Just very often.
I'm not good with words.
In a nutshell, the trip lasted six days and one-day transit in KL. Yes, we visited the temples, the Chaopraya river, all the cheap night bazaars, ate mango sticky rice, bought fake Havianas, stayed in Khao San Road where all the tourists and backpackers blended in, almost went broke due to CIMB Niaga's stupidity to NOT be connected with their Thailand branches, made friends with Morrocan and American backpackers, sang 'The Scientist' out loud with hundred other backpackers in Khao San, went to the zoo, played with a baby elephant, got lost in a secluded village, interacted with Thai people with words that didnt have any meaning, took pictures with cafe musicians, rushed my friend to the hospital due to a minor accident,...
You know, the usual stuff you do when you go abroad.
I don't know if you read this, you three crazy ladies, but you are by far my best travel partners and I cannot thank you enough for the week-full laughter we shared. I know that anyone can go to Bangkok. Anyone can also go to there with their best friends; it's not a huge deal. But to go with three bestfriends with so many different personalities that never fails to crack me up until my stomach literally hurts and with the list of 'normal' activities I stated earlier, I know that this trip was one of a kind. At least for me.
(We did it, you guys, we really did get on that plane after all !!!! I still get misty everytime I look at our pictures. LET'S DO IT AGAIN! =P)
I'm not good with words.
In a nutshell, the trip lasted six days and one-day transit in KL. Yes, we visited the temples, the Chaopraya river, all the cheap night bazaars, ate mango sticky rice, bought fake Havianas, stayed in Khao San Road where all the tourists and backpackers blended in, almost went broke due to CIMB Niaga's stupidity to NOT be connected with their Thailand branches, made friends with Morrocan and American backpackers, sang 'The Scientist' out loud with hundred other backpackers in Khao San, went to the zoo, played with a baby elephant, got lost in a secluded village, interacted with Thai people with words that didnt have any meaning, took pictures with cafe musicians, rushed my friend to the hospital due to a minor accident,...
You know, the usual stuff you do when you go abroad.
I don't know if you read this, you three crazy ladies, but you are by far my best travel partners and I cannot thank you enough for the week-full laughter we shared. I know that anyone can go to Bangkok. Anyone can also go to there with their best friends; it's not a huge deal. But to go with three bestfriends with so many different personalities that never fails to crack me up until my stomach literally hurts and with the list of 'normal' activities I stated earlier, I know that this trip was one of a kind. At least for me.
(We did it, you guys, we really did get on that plane after all !!!! I still get misty everytime I look at our pictures. LET'S DO IT AGAIN! =P)
Monday, February 8, 2010
Day I, 24 Jan 2010
Okay so before I start this holiday/trip journal, let me explain to you that I did this insane week-long trip with my three bestfriends: Tantya, Nadya and Icha. I've known all of them since mid school except Icha, with whom I became inseparable with in high school. Despite our differences, we were all exactly alike: we like good laughter, mocking weird people, we like to travel, we were moody, we spoke whatever comes into our mind and we never get offended by it.
Which made them perfect for this budget trip.
Our flight to KL was at 6.30 am on Sunday, which was why I and Icha arrived at Soekarno-Hatta Airport at such an ungodly hour of five-thirty. And even by then, we were too late.
We were the last ones to check in, the Air Asia officer was screaming in our ears to hurry our butts up, the check-in lady was panicking as well, we haven't handled our fiscal/tax matters and that's not even the worst of it: my two other beloved friends hadn't arrived yet.
So witht he clock ticking, the gate closing and the man screaming, the four of us finally got together and ran --and I mean RAN-- here and there, left and right in the spacious airport, whizzing past people and officers with our passports and boarding passes in hand, dragging out suitcases and wishing like hell that the plane hadn't left without us.
It almost did, though. Add that with me being held back by the immigration officer as I forgot to fill in the card.
It took us a while to get strapped in our plane seatbelts, we looked sideways at eah other and at our tousled hair and frantic face and we laughed our butts off. Finally we were off for our very first holiday together !!! Until today, I cannot even begin to tell you how it felt when we touched down in Bangkok's Suvarnabhumi Int'l Airport.
(No need to tell you how we waited in KL's LCCT terminal for five hours -ish, reading and eating and drinking whatever was around su as we were so bored. I even suggested to Tantya to play Amazing Race.)
We landed at around 6 p.m. Bangkok time and as agreed, we got picked up by Residence Rajtaevee Hotel's mini-van taxi. First imrpesison : Hello Thailand, Goodbye English. Forever.
We cruised down the highways pointing out buildings and brands we were familiar of and finally arrived in the hotel 45 minutes later, all knackered but roaring to explore. We checked in our family suite (two-bedroom with ktichen and living room: each Rp. 675,000 for three freakin nights) and decided to check out the superhuge Siam Paragon Mal, just a minute away from us.
Of cours,e being tourists and all, we decided to use the hotel's golf cart service that took us straight to the mall's entry :D It was already eight or nine-ish so we just wolfed down dinner at the basement foodcourt which was a lot like Senayan City's but much much bigger. And the desserts, don't even ask. I had drools all over them! I'll post pictures later!
After roaming the humongous mall (it includes Siam Discovery World and an IMAX cinema that's supposed to be the biggest cinema in town) we arrived back at the hotel at 10.45 p.m.. We'd also stacke dup on 7/11 located just in the corner of our hotel so we happily munched on chips and milk while soaking our tired feet in the bath tub, reminiscing today's insane hectic-ness.
We could't believe that we got there already, to freakin' Bangkok, couldn't believe that this plan that we've developed since 2009 has finally, finally, Thank God, come true.
That night we were exhausted but we still managed to laugh about silly nothingness-and fell asleep with a smile on our face.
Which made them perfect for this budget trip.
Our flight to KL was at 6.30 am on Sunday, which was why I and Icha arrived at Soekarno-Hatta Airport at such an ungodly hour of five-thirty. And even by then, we were too late.
We were the last ones to check in, the Air Asia officer was screaming in our ears to hurry our butts up, the check-in lady was panicking as well, we haven't handled our fiscal/tax matters and that's not even the worst of it: my two other beloved friends hadn't arrived yet.
So witht he clock ticking, the gate closing and the man screaming, the four of us finally got together and ran --and I mean RAN-- here and there, left and right in the spacious airport, whizzing past people and officers with our passports and boarding passes in hand, dragging out suitcases and wishing like hell that the plane hadn't left without us.
It almost did, though. Add that with me being held back by the immigration officer as I forgot to fill in the card.
It took us a while to get strapped in our plane seatbelts, we looked sideways at eah other and at our tousled hair and frantic face and we laughed our butts off. Finally we were off for our very first holiday together !!! Until today, I cannot even begin to tell you how it felt when we touched down in Bangkok's Suvarnabhumi Int'l Airport.
(No need to tell you how we waited in KL's LCCT terminal for five hours -ish, reading and eating and drinking whatever was around su as we were so bored. I even suggested to Tantya to play Amazing Race.)
We landed at around 6 p.m. Bangkok time and as agreed, we got picked up by Residence Rajtaevee Hotel's mini-van taxi. First imrpesison : Hello Thailand, Goodbye English. Forever.
We cruised down the highways pointing out buildings and brands we were familiar of and finally arrived in the hotel 45 minutes later, all knackered but roaring to explore. We checked in our family suite (two-bedroom with ktichen and living room: each Rp. 675,000 for three freakin nights) and decided to check out the superhuge Siam Paragon Mal, just a minute away from us.
Of cours,e being tourists and all, we decided to use the hotel's golf cart service that took us straight to the mall's entry :D It was already eight or nine-ish so we just wolfed down dinner at the basement foodcourt which was a lot like Senayan City's but much much bigger. And the desserts, don't even ask. I had drools all over them! I'll post pictures later!
After roaming the humongous mall (it includes Siam Discovery World and an IMAX cinema that's supposed to be the biggest cinema in town) we arrived back at the hotel at 10.45 p.m.. We'd also stacke dup on 7/11 located just in the corner of our hotel so we happily munched on chips and milk while soaking our tired feet in the bath tub, reminiscing today's insane hectic-ness.
We could't believe that we got there already, to freakin' Bangkok, couldn't believe that this plan that we've developed since 2009 has finally, finally, Thank God, come true.
That night we were exhausted but we still managed to laugh about silly nothingness-and fell asleep with a smile on our face.
Monday, February 1, 2010
!!!
I will soon post the details of the best trip I've ever had in my life.
Soon. Very soon.
Still knackered and too much in joy. Sigh. I never want to go back here and face reality. Dramatic, but true. I love foreign countries.
Details soon.
Soon. Very soon.
Still knackered and too much in joy. Sigh. I never want to go back here and face reality. Dramatic, but true. I love foreign countries.
Details soon.
Monday, January 18, 2010
a routine that KILLS.
If she didn't swerve right to avoid the lady with a stroller, she would hit the beggar on the street.
If she ran the red light and marched straight instead, she would hit a fruit kiosk.
If she backed up her car a little, the VW behind her would honk angrily.
If she used her brother's motorbike to avoid getting into a car in the first place, her brother would be pissed.
If she decided to walk on foot, endless lines of vehicles will screech to a halt and honk in frustration as it is a highway.
If she decided not to get out of the house at all, she will not get any of her tasks done.
Even if she parked her car safely in front of the supermarket, looked left and right to see if she'd hurt somebody, and entered the market with a huge relief of breath, the car turns out to be blocking an ambulance carrying a woman in labor, trying to get by.
Another disappointed person, another day to live by.
The way she sees it, there are only two options left. The first one is to let out the emotions she's been holding for the past 100 years and breathe fire into the small, unimportant, ruthless, heartless, selfish people who had underestimated her all her life. Crash their cars, their soul, their minds. She had to turn right to avoid an old man walking with a stick--so what? Screw little ms.goody two shoes. She slammed the wheel right and smiled.
Oops, there's a pair of young couples walking hand in hand and too in love to see that a car was heading their way-not my fault, the woman shrugs. Another cry for help, another satisfied smile. She lit up a gas station just because SHE COULD. She throws rocks and stones to an elementary school just. because.she. could. Because she's had it with people walking all over her.
At least it's better than the other option. Which is trying to please everyone. Which is smiling and nodding solemnly and saying "I'm Fine" so often that it became a mantra for her. Which is agreeing with everyone's opinions while she wants to scream inside. Which is letting everyone walk all over her.
Letting someone walk all over you will eventually kill you, literally.
If she ran the red light and marched straight instead, she would hit a fruit kiosk.
If she backed up her car a little, the VW behind her would honk angrily.
If she used her brother's motorbike to avoid getting into a car in the first place, her brother would be pissed.
If she decided to walk on foot, endless lines of vehicles will screech to a halt and honk in frustration as it is a highway.
If she decided not to get out of the house at all, she will not get any of her tasks done.
Even if she parked her car safely in front of the supermarket, looked left and right to see if she'd hurt somebody, and entered the market with a huge relief of breath, the car turns out to be blocking an ambulance carrying a woman in labor, trying to get by.
Another disappointed person, another day to live by.
The way she sees it, there are only two options left. The first one is to let out the emotions she's been holding for the past 100 years and breathe fire into the small, unimportant, ruthless, heartless, selfish people who had underestimated her all her life. Crash their cars, their soul, their minds. She had to turn right to avoid an old man walking with a stick--so what? Screw little ms.goody two shoes. She slammed the wheel right and smiled.
Oops, there's a pair of young couples walking hand in hand and too in love to see that a car was heading their way-not my fault, the woman shrugs. Another cry for help, another satisfied smile. She lit up a gas station just because SHE COULD. She throws rocks and stones to an elementary school just. because.she. could. Because she's had it with people walking all over her.
At least it's better than the other option. Which is trying to please everyone. Which is smiling and nodding solemnly and saying "I'm Fine" so often that it became a mantra for her. Which is agreeing with everyone's opinions while she wants to scream inside. Which is letting everyone walk all over her.
Letting someone walk all over you will eventually kill you, literally.
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
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