"stop; turn back, rewind."

It's January 1st, 2011 now. I swear, 2010 must have been the fastest year ever. So in honor to that, I thought I'd give some much-needed awards for some outstanding events that occurred during my 2010.

#Happiest Moment of 2010
: This is easy. No doubt, Jan19-24, 2010. Bangkok trip, three bestfriends, laughing for six days in a row. Exploring a foreign city by foot, eating whatever they are selling in the streetside stalls, sleeping in a hotel we've only heard the name of a few hours prior to booking. Cheap bargains, cheap foods, made musician/artists friends while spending our last night at a jammin' cafe.

#Worst Moment of 2010
: Hmm. Must be when I started getting my eye virus more often. Hurt like hell. Think I'm exaggerating? Imagine living with a pin jabbing your right eye constantly. And it gets worse when you close it, so adios, sleep. Let's hope it won't happen again.

#Best Surprise of 2010
: The Disney media tour, of course. Going to each and every Disney park in the universe has always been my goal. Thanks to the office, I managed to visit the one in HK, all expenses paid. Two down,two more to go. Alhamdulillah. Best business trip ever; even though the eye thingy got in the way--again.

#Saddest Moment of 2010
: When my sister's boyfriend's dad passed away. Enough said.

#Worst Month of 2010
: April. No doubt. Two 'events' were occurring both at the same time, successfully making me lose concentration at work. It was bad, and I mean bad.

#Tear-jerking Moment of 2010
: Make that plural; my bestfriend's wedding, my bestfriend giving birth to her first daughter, my sister's engagement!

#New Thing I Learned in 2010
: ..that I could make a (half) decent three-layered cheesecake and apple pie.

#Most Shocking Moment of 2010
: Mid-April. I think it was a shock for everyone too.


and last but not least,

#Most Memorable Moment of 2010
: Mid-Feb to March. One month. I'm not saying if it was good or bad; all I know for sure is that it was memorable. And always will be.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Trees and mistletoes

A day where only laughter fills the air; where people aren’t pretentious and where we don’t remember anything that happens more than an hour ago. Carefree; liberated, relieved, laughing and smiling and teasing and reliving and getting away from the redundant daily routines where people stopped being funny and things stopped making sense. . Just a day. I just need one whole day. Where we say things we don’t think twice and think things that we don’t overanalyze. Where everything is just out open in the air and noone would regret what they said or did and noone wouldn’t bite back their tongue. Where we could return home and be puzzled because we couldn’t remember what we just did; couldn’t remember the whole day we spent together because we have returned to the normal life. Where the only things we remember are laughters and smiles and us throwing our head back with glee and affection and this urge to protect and take care of each other. Because eventually people die or disappear or age old and they will regret, for the rest of their lives, that they have never experienced that one day.

....

I feel like copying and pasting the words here. I feel like shouting to your face. I feel like transforming into that moment, that noon, that place, that conversation, that drink. Singular. I feel like telling you how you have absoltuely no idea how often I recently (re)read it. I feel like laughing at you for being affectionate when I was oblivious and oblivious when I was affectionate. I feel like this is extremely weird because this has been going on for a long time and I have not once experienced this in my life. I feel like smiling everytime I read "it". I feel like smiling when I remember. I feel like smiling when I hear them, because they make me remember. I feel like shaking my head at the events that keep happening, at the fact that as I am jotting this down, as my fingers fly over the keyboard, the random playlist is playing that song. I was, at first, awed when these events started happening, but then I eventually grow tired because I don't think it's normal. I don't think we're normal. Were. I don't think we were normal. I dont think we were normal and you noticed it. I think you noticed everything I said, I did, when I didn't realize. And I analyzed everything you said, and you wrote, right after you stopped noticing. And the more I did, the more I know I shouldn't have done what I did to you. At least, some parts of it. I feel like you'd given me one of the nicest feelings in the world when I didn't deserve it. You were there with your hands outstretched and I danced along without really taking it because I kept twirling around the ballroom. I feel like when I finally reached out to you, you smiled understandingly, looked down, pulled back and the fingertips never even really grazed. I feel like I should have listened to me instead of others; just like how you should've listened to just you. I feel like this is not me talking because I don't do this. I hate complications and I don't have a guideline to fall back on and I hate not having guidelines to fall back on. I feel like you are this distraction out of nowhere, completely steering me off the path. Were. You were. I feel like there was only 60% of you, or even 50%, that you showed and I missed out on the remaining 50%. I feel like not knowing what to say when I see you in person because "hi" would be over (under?) -rated. Because "hi" never explains what I feel. I feel like the biggest feeling I experienced was fear. I was scared by the fact that you knew me so well (and I'm not kidding) with just a short period of time. I feel like throwing up questions at you but I'm not sure if I want to hear the answer now. I feel like




I wonder if you still read this.

six letters

Who am I kidding?


It's still there. In a neat package, with a pretty ribbon, fully wrapped. It was torn once-so bad, into shreds. But glued back together, piece by piece, slowly.

It might have evaporated in the past few years, but turns out it's there. I had no idea. And the butterflies,

The butterflies never really left.

post #2

"What and If are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life."

-Letters to Juliet, 2010

it's written in stones

I wrote, on the left top side of this blog, that my current wish list is (was?) to have a temporary brainwash.

I understand a lot of people are pissed when someone else forgets about something. They go berserk when their mom forgets to pick up the grocery or when their brother forgets to lock the car or when someone else forgets doing something. And don't get me wrong; me too. I hate it when people forget. But I recently discovered that sometimes it is good to forget.

I am an avid forget-ter. That's right, I just made the word up.

I even forgot how old my sister just turned and wrote Happy 25th in the birthday cake instead of 26th. (long story.) I forget about plans I make a long time ago, I forget about promises I swore to keep, about people I'm supposed to meet and things I'm supposed to do. But one fleeting moment last week made me realize that forgetting works both ways; that sometimes it's not always bad. So here's the thing.

I am scared to death about flying. Maybe it's the Air Crash Investigation re-reruns in Nat Geo Channel, maybe it's the image of exploding plane in Final Destination,maybe's it's 9/11, or maybe it's simply the fact that we are thousands of feet above ground accompanied by strangers with small square windows as our emergency exit options. It's better when I'm in there with people I love; but when it's a business trip, I clam up and nod and smile very nervously at the stewardess (extra note: Garuda tends to have rude stewardess. more on that later.)

Last week I had to fly to another city for work. Alone. Well not really alone, but my guests were seated far from me so yes, I was alone and sat squeezed between two unknown strangers. (They were nice! One of them slept while the other one kept talking. We had a nice chat. I found out he has kids, he hates big cities like Jakarta, and yes, the news coverage on Merapi has been slightly exaggerated because he himself lives in Jogja.) So anyway. Everyone knows that the most terrifying moments during a flight is when you take off and you land, right. Taking off was smooth, but seconds before the landing, the plane swayed a little.

I gripped the seat so hard that I stopped listening to my new friend's story. I closed my eyes, started praying silently, wishing it would just be over already, and..

...fell asleep.

I know, right?! Instant "temporary brainwash". I actually dozed off and when I opened my eyes, startled, the plane has landed already. Woohoo! Couldn't help being so proud of myself.

So anyway, there's a real living proof that sometimes forgetting is a good thing.

It sounds like a lame example. But still.

And besides being a forgetter, I'm also an avid detail-er. This, I've noticed quite a long time ago. It's not like I'm a perfectionist, hell no. I just like paying attention to details in something; or someone. Paying attention down to what they're wearing and saying and expressions when we meet face to face and their quirks. To their way of communicating. The music they listen to (trust me, it says a lot). The books they read. The way they write. Their body language. Which is why I often notice it when someone begins to change. The second they change, it's like their brain snaps and starts shifting directions,leaving their routines behind and sending invisible alerts like a warning.

This detail-er thingy; I haven't quite figured out whether this is a good or a bad thing. Whether this is good for temporary brainwashing; or make you wish you'd never noticed them in the first place instead.

post #1

She told him, "I wanted you to be ordinary; common; bland; usual;uninteresting; un-memorable."

February, 2010