The unsettled

'Out of all of the fools in this world, who is it you're really fooling?'

Isn't that scarier?

+ "What if in the end you grow old with someone who, as it turns out, doesn't love you back?" A friend asks, shuddering at the very thought. 

- "What if you end up being with someone you don't love?"

***

an advice

I get it, it's what you do when you're at the restaurant; you ooh and aah over the dessert selection, you take Instagrammable pictures of them as they line up with their salutes at the glass display counter, you fight-giggle with your friends on which delectable piece you will order later. After promising each other that you'll swap them so you will both get to taste the dark chocolate fudge and salted caramel pudding, you go back to your seats which the waitress has kindly directed you to.

And then you order your appetizers. And your main course. You're actually a bit full, but why not get another basket of cheese fries to share? 

And then you talk. And laugh. And shovel your main course into your mouth, fleeing from one story to another. By now the sun has completely set outside and the afternoon tea crowd has fully morphed into evening diners. And yet, as more and more friends join your table - after making a quick detour to gasp at the variety of desserts - you rub your stomach, complaining on how full you are and how good dinner was. You decide to bring one paper bag of onion rings for to accompany your Netflix-ing at home later and oh there goes the waiter, could you please do one last refill of this beer and bring us the check, please?

And by then, you didn't even take a second glance at the dessert display on your way out. 

I get it - it's just what you do.

But have you ever stopped between mouthfuls to think; think how many tons of disappointment those little guys at the display counter have to bear every single night as history repeats itself? It really is endearing how you think the dessert is always going to be there, looking up at the patrons, trying not to flinch and be blinded by your camera shots, all the while fluffing their chest in the hope that one of you selfish human beings will eventually point your finger at them and make your order. It's funny how much compliments you throw them at first and then forget all about them the second you sit down, the minute you're presented with mouth-watering selections of meats just because you assume they're always going to be there. 

Just because desserts are always listed the last in the menu doesn't mean you shouldn't prioritize them every once in a while. Just because they're tiny and colourful and underrated does not mean you get to take advantage of them. 

Next time you're at a restaurant, think about it. Think about why they deserve to wait, and wait, and wait some more - just so you can finish your main course and then leave. Think about it before it's too late. Because once, I promise you, once you realize that it's sweets you're craving for after all, once you're hit with a sudden realization that you've been taking them for granted, once you start to gaze at the leftover pie crumbs at the next table, you turn your head at the display counter so fast you're afraid you'd break your neck, only to discover that the counter has been closed and all the lights have been dimmed. 

For good.

I got you

I am tired of loss. Of feeling the churn in the stomach and the squeeze of the guts. Of the fingers grazing and heads bowing down. Of a similar hole, of lifting a leg then ending up in a messy somersault. 

Scratch that; I am exhausted. Drained, knackered, running out of breath. 

I don't want to do this anymore. 

1947-2014

You would have loved to be here last night. 

There was a room packed full of people who had not seen each other in the past ten years or more, of unspoken understanding and affections they would not have felt if you didn't make it happen, attending an event they wouldn't have thought twice to attend if it were not for you. Thanks to you, there were countless rounds of sincere hugs, whispers of encouragement, exchanges of phone numbers and heartfelt promises to keep in touch for future lunches and dinners. You would have loved to meet my friends, too, especially the new ones. They're a crazy bunch, which is why I'm sure you'd love them. They're the type of  friends who quietly offer their condolences, their shoulder to lean on anytime I need it, texting me at 12 am just to see how I'm doing but do not treat me like a social leper by embracing me into the usual round of laughter. They're the type of people who do not say "Jangan sedih yah" but "Oh fuck it, this is your time to mourn. Let it out, and don't be scared of crying," instead. Like I said - you'd love them. 

You would also have loved to be there on Tuesday afternoon, November 4, 2014. Your place was crowded wall to wall, which proves just how big your heart was and how much you touched other people in your life. Not only families were there, but the ol' gang from Bumi Bintaro Permai where you used to rule that turf (you would have loved the term I'm using, too) were all there. Your best buddies who used to come to our house all the time and filled the living room with roaring laughter. They were all there last Tuesday; same form, same affections, same baritone voices - the only thing missing was the laughter. 

I have tons of memories of you but the best one was perhaps the fact that we're both crazily obsessed with desserts. We were. Anything that looks suspicious or looks like it uses some illegal food (or other) coloring with shaved ice, we'll have two, and do you think the waiter can add more syrup on it? It's freezing cold outside with pouring rain; I think some ice creams wouldn't hurt either. People (read: mom and sis) used to throw us crazy looks or scold me for listening to you when I end up in bed due to sore throat and cough; but there was no ounce of regret in me and I thought that was the best meal I ever had. 

The ultimate gift you gave me, however, was a pencil and a blank sheet of paper. It was the most awesome mechanic pencil I've ever seen - silver and black, smooth surface and so elegant. I could not wait to use it.

And so I started to write. 

The blank sheet became full of words, ideas, nonsense tales that I proudly showed to you. As the Pak RW at that time in our community, you suggested me to contribute one of my stories to the community newspaper (An early nepotism wouldn't hurt anyone, you would say!) So I started writing absurd children's tale (when I was still one of them myself) and came home from school with a grin when I saw my story being published. The blank sheet of paper you once gave me turned into a bundle of blank sheets. And I would fill them with my handwriting, page by page, with stories nobody will ever get to read. I brought the pencil and papers everywhere I went, including to our holidays and trips. 

I'm 27 now, Dad, and I still go crazy over unhealthy desserts which was the foundation of my passion for baking. And most obviously, I still write. I have fallen in love with words and that was what defined my choice of career and how I live my life right now. You may not get to see what I do everyday although I wished I could show you where I work now. You would be a great partner to roam around the city with and eating all the hawker foods with. You would make up stories or mime people just to make me laugh, just like what you did when I was little. The imagination that fills my blank sheets today (be it in a piece of paper or a Microsoft Word) - that was all thanks to you. 

There are so, so many things I wish you'd be here to witness in my future.  So many chapters I want to reveal to you, so many plots I need your advice on. But if what people have been saying this past week is right; if it's true that you'll still be with me every passing second; to see me, to hear me, to let me know if I make the right judgment in life - then I'm sure you won't feel left out.

I just hope there's a decent dessert shop up there. 

***

In memory of my father, who will always be the #1 man in my life. See you on the other side, Dad. 

Words to live by

"The people I’ve worked with or who have worked for me, whether they were interns, assistants or junior team members. Many of them have gone on to become extremely successful leaders in their own right. I tried to instill in them that irrespective of where they started, their future is the future they want it to be, they just need to focus and work hard and understand it doesn’t happen overnight. If you are persistent and work hard, there are people who will recognize that and you can achieve anything you want.”   

 

 You have to believe in what you do, in your product and in your company. Don't  look for limits but rather look at opportunities. Take on challenges with optimism and remember that when you believe in what you do, there are no limits.”

- Zenia Mucha, Executive Vice President and Chief Communications Officer, The Walt Disney Company

"Guess what;"

When she met him she knew, too.