Tuesday, August 28, 2012

this one goes out to you.

This one goes out to the countless times people are shaking their head in disbelief when it comes to our thirteen years of friendship. For the countless laughter we shared in your house, the mindless conversations that run from lunchtime to the middle of the night, from the serious talks to the ones we could never remember five minutes after, thanks to the hyena-like laughter that follows once we realize how random and ridiculous it all was. For understanding each other's jokes, which are sometimes out of this world. For our countless share of Soho sandwiches and milk teas. For our family vacations and afternoon strolls eating Wafflestops and dipping our feet into the hotel swimming pool at night talking about college like a couple of smartasses, as if we'd had any clue.

This one goes out to the many times I sneaked to your house to grab my  favorite drink--which is always in stock in your fridge--even when you were not around. To the countless times you bullied me to no end, to the many pranks and surprises you pulled tirelessly (the one on my 17th birthday party being the best; but let's not go there now.) to the fact that my 'explosive', expressive personality clashes terribly with your reserved, insensitive one.

This post is for you. For being the only person in the whole freaking universe who said: ''Oh. Terus?" when I, dramatically (as you may say), stressed the importance of my lung illness to you the other day. For continuing to shop casually at the flea market as if nothing happened when I practically yelled at the top of my lungs in pain because I just ate something ridiculously spicy with my hand then scratched my eyes with it. For practically rolling your eyes every time I came to you with the same dilemma, the same confusion, for dismissing my dramatic flair in life with your sarcastic wit. For staring back at me with that dead, expression-less face when I giddily told you about my latest crush and every detail about our date I could possibly blurt out and then cutting me off mid-sentence saying, "Yeah....he's a jerk, you just don't know it yet." For that unforgettable moment when I screamed, scared shitless because you just managed to bully me into getting into a full-loop roller coaster that you know terrifies me to death and there was nothing I could do about it asIwasalreadytrappedunderthebelt.

This  is for our fights. For yelling at you for your stupidity for not listening to me and for being such a protective friend that I went over the line. For the year we drifted apart. For our misunderstandings, our selfishness, our ego (thank God you broke up with that one, so technically I WIN.) ( Not that anyone's counting. Anyways). This post goes out to you and your astounding ability to mentally slap me in the face whenever I wasn't thinking clear. To deliver harsh advises, uncensored, as an effort to knock some sense into my head when I lived in denial. For never thinking twice to say what's on your mind, with no sugarcoating whatsoever, which makes you stand out from any other person I know. For just sitting there  offering your shoulders and arms when I exploded in tears during my breakups, my battles, my lowest points....and  for never, not even once, saying 'I told you so' despite the many times the term perfectly fits.

You're living a million miles away from where I am right now, working your ass off to reach your ultimate dream, which I'm insanely proud of and I will never be tired in reminding you of. Here's to more uncontrollable laughter, public embarrassment, pleasant surprises, heart-to-heart talks in your room, the infamous iPod shuffle game that you came up with to lift my ugly moods. Here's to that day, thirteen years ago, when I approached you like a clueless, happy-go-lucky elementary school kid tapping your shoulder, ready to make a new friend, and with a huge friendly grin on my face, said, "Hi! My name is xxx. I think your brother is best friends with my sister! What's your name??" And all you did was stare back at me with that trademark expressionless face, turned, and walked away.

The only wish from me would be for you to stay exactly the way you are. As my best guy friend in the whole world with freakishly absurd, creative brain and unpredictable word vomit who always supports me in whatever I do and whom I admire for never giving a fck about what other people say. I wish you an unlimited, uncomplicated happiness, and may you finally meet that one person who deserves to see the real you and your awesomeness. Here's to more insane stories I'll hear from Paris, to more twisted tales of our love lives, to whatever's next, to being on our way to reach our dream goals. Here's to more unexpected roller coaster rides I look forward to share with you.

This one goes out to you, for knowing myself better than I do.

Happy 25th Birthday, Kae.

Love,
me

p.s: I'll get you back one day, for all those pranks and surprises. I swear.  

Sunday, July 29, 2012

"we've got tonight."

I am no good with happiness.


It's something you fumble with, like a slick ball you're trying to juggle in your hand but keeps trying to slide. Like something you try to hold on to with both hands instead of one; like a thin rope you try to walk on with your arms outstretched as to not to fall down the cliff. Over the years you've learned over and over again how to keep this balance so you'll know what to expect at the end of the road.You learned about it so much that you're getting exceptionally good at mastering to disguise the word in your head.


This word, this nine-letter word that everyone has different definitions of, is becoming somewhat dangerous to your well-being. It lurks in the corner, hides under the bed, waits outside your room in the dark. Out of nowhere it would sneak up on you, out in full force and knocking all senses out of your system, lowering and eventually demolishing anything that used to stand between perfect happiness and common sense--including pride.  And I'm not talking about simple happiness e.g. seeing your best friend or getting your hands on that Ben & Jerry's pint or buying Neil Gaiman's latest book or watching a teen flick on a lazy Sunday.  I'm talking about a hurricane, a monster storm of explosive rush of feelings so pleasant and shocking it's ridiculous. The force is so powerful and magnetic that it leaves you breathless yearning for more. It peels off the most inner layers of you one by one, undressing it very slowly and subtly to the point where you didn't even know existed. Happiness can make you do things you never thought you'd do or deliver words you thought you'd never say.  Because deep down, deep down you know just how quick it is for you to just let yourself go; to go from the phase of exchanging glances and conversations, to insisting ignorance, and how you start curling up a smile which turns to a grin and eventually a laughter; the flutter in your chest and the tingles in your spine; the crazy anticipation and the scary, nerve-wrecking realization that you need to admit how unsuccessful you've been in kicking that person out of your mind.


That's how cruel happiness can be.


It's not that you don't believe in this word; in all of your 25 years of living, you're lucky enough to have experienced a few full-blown happiness from time to time. You do believe it with all your heart and you have faith that it will happen to you again one day; you just realize you need to start to choose it wisely. Permitting yourself for happiness to a certain limit. After the heart realizes what it's done, then the head follows suit, making you panic and torn between taking a million steps backward or finally lifting your chin up and walking forward. 


As a result, you're back to phase one; to try to curl up that smile; to cut off your laughter short; to calm the flutter of expectation in your chest; to avert your gaze from the person when you realize just how content you feel just by being in their presence. Literally biting your lip so whatever rush of words that's coming up next won't ruin anything. And you just keep on thinking; word vomit rolling around in your brain, thinking just how much you dislike happiness for making you hold on to a certain thought; how it digs the deepest layer in you and stir something inside you awake; how smiling and laughing freely makes you scared shitless; how you wish there aren't so many factors affecting your mood; how relieved you feel when you've crossed that thin rope with both arms outstretched in perfect balance despite the many voices, the many opinions shouting to your ear left and right that can easily change your perception. 


But most of all, most of all, you can't help wondering how all of this, however bothering and toxic and cruel and dangerous it may be, has actually made you sit down for the past half an hour to dedicate an entire blog post just to rant on and on and on about how you've been trying to avoid the nine-letter word....and failing miserably. 







Sunday, May 6, 2012

"Can I please see the one in the corner?"

The door jingles cheerfully as she bounces into the shop, all decked out in her Saturday morning outfit. Wherever she turns, the clerks and salespeople greet her warmly by name.

 "How are you?!"
 "Isn't that the most darling dress I have ever seen!"
"Oh, look how you've grown; you look lovely as ever!"

 She laughs and twirls her new dress as the shopkeepers gasp and clap. She has been going to this desserts shoppe for years and years, she couldn't remember not going there on a Saturday morning. She loves the rush of the shoppe opening, the calm buzz of early customers seeking sweet indulgence, but most of all, the smell of burnt sugar and roasted vanilla and warm chocolate buns just fresh out of the oven.

 She never remembers the name of each shopkeeper who practically raised her here; she just made up names for them in her mind. Like Mr Overalls over there, a nice young fella who always tips his denim cap in a funny salute when he greets newcomers. Or Ms Lollipops and Mr Gums, who always flirt with each other when they think the Boss is not looking. Or Mrs Apron, the big old lady who roars when she laughs and always smells of cinnamon everytime she gets out of the kitchen back there. "Oh darling, always a pleasure to see you here! What can I get you? Cinnamon buns? Chocolate-filled croissants?" she bends down to the girl, who shakes her head shyly and curling up a smile, her hands behind her back. She rocks back and forth on her soles, enjoying the familiar rush of excitement and giddiness in her most favorite shoppe in the world with her most favorite people.

 "Don't scare her, Apron. The girl already knows what she wants."

The old, raspy, familiar voice startled the girl and she squeals happily when she locates the source. Mr Mustache! She runs towards him and falls into his Santa-like bear hug. He smells like sugar and cigar and mint all mixed together and she smiles broadly. Her favorite candy maker! Mr Mustache is the ultimate Boss and he's owned the shoppe since he was a little boy, working side by side with his father. "Now, princess. What can I get for you?" he picks her up and sits her down on the wooden counter. "Or is it such a shame that I need to ask?" the man smiles warmly, knowing that the girl always, always, always orders the same thing: white chocolate crepes with custard filling.

 She grins, kicking her feet in the air in excitement, already tasting the half-burnt crepes and the thick cream in her mouth. Her stomach grumbles unashamedly. "Can you sit down here for a couple of minutes while I take care of my customers?" Mr Mustache asks, and hands her a pen and a blank sheet of paper for her drawing while she kills time. "I'll be back; and no cheating. I know exactly how many candies I have in that jar so watch it," he winks, then hobbles over to the cashier.

The girl pushes the drawing sheet away instead and stares at the selection of chocolates in the wooden helves behind the cashier. One, two, three...even with her eyes shut, she knows exactly how many shelves are there and how many chocolates are stacked in each shelf. She opens her eyes and smiles. Her calculations never miss. She knows this place all too well and always knows what she wants without looking left and right. There it is, her ultimate target, a box of white chocolate sitting prettily which Mr Mustache will pour into her order soon. She glances around, humming tunelessly, until something steals her attention in the corner. Her smile slowly leaves her face, and she titles her head to one side.

What is it about this box?

 She gets off the corner and approaches the corner shelf. A blue, classic box of chocolate is sitting there, alone. She picks it up and runs her finger around the hard edges. How come she never saw this one before? The box doesn't have any title or engraving in it. It's just...there.

"That's dark chocolate. You will never, ever like the taste of it in a million years."

She turns, startled.

Mr Mustache is smiling down at her, eyebrows knitted questioningly, "Come on, come back to the counter." "Why is it sitting alone?" she asks slowly. Mr Mustache looks thoughtful. "It doesn't really match with the rest of the boxes in the shelf, don't you think? I put it there because customers are all oohing and aahing over its packaging. I love the blue color myself. But no one has actually purchased it; so it's just sitting there waiting to be made into drinks, cookies, cakes, or just, you know, plain dark chocolate."

 "What is dark chocolate?" The term sounds strange in her ears.

"It's an original cocoa. It tastes bitter and doesn't have an inch of sugar inside. You know, dark chocolate." Mr Mustache explains. "But I'm not surprised you've never learned of the word before," he chuckles.

 "Oh. Seems like it doesn't fit into my sugary world," she smiles, ready to put the classic blue box back onto the shelf.

"Anyways, it doesn't matter. Come on, I have your white chocolate crepes ready. This time, I told Apron to add more caramel swirls inside, just the way you like it," he winks. She follows him back to the countertop. "Voila! One white-chocolate crepe to go," Mr Mustache hands her a takeaway box with a pretty ribbon on top. She looks at it, and she can already picture what's inside. Yes, it's mouth-wateringly delicious. The crepe will definitely leave a sweet aftertaste in her mouth. She knows how happy she'll feel when she takes that first bite. It feels..predictable. Safe.

 She turns around to glance back at the box. It glistens under the morning sunlight. The color does look good and attracts customers to talk about it, but she isn't interested in the packaging. She wants to look what's inside. How many are they and what do they look like? Where did it come from? What is it about the box that intrigues her so much?

"Actually.." she hesitates. "I don't feel like eating the vanilla crepes today."

 It was as if the music stops playing and the earth freezes and somewhere in the kitchen, Mrs Apron gasps. Mr Mustache frowns, "Are you feeling okay, dear? Is it my sauce? Is the crepe not burnt enough around the edges; because we can..." he follows her trail of gaze and knits his eyebrows questioningly. "Would you like the blue box instead, dear?"

 "No!" she shakes her head, a little too quickly. Not yet, not now. The idea of this strange, new item coming out of nowhere and breaking all her habits is still foreign to her. But it does radiate something else that she's sure not familiar about.

Mr Mustache smiles at her confusion and hands her the takeaway box. "Tell you what. Keep this anyway; it's on the house. And you're free to come back at anytime. Sounds good?" She nods, almost imperceptibly. Mr Mustache smiles as he walks her to the front door. "I have to say; I never thought in a million years you'd be interested in that dark chocolate. Or that I would live to see the day you say no to our world-famous white chocolate crepe."

 "That makes two of us," she mumbles, still dazed. "Sorry for the troubles, Mr Mustache. It's not like I don't like your cooking--that would be crazy."

 "Don't sweat it," he stops to plant a kiss on top of her head. "You just never meet something like that in your life before, so you're not familiar with it."

 The girl stops walking and looks at him.

 "Get home safe, and I'll see you soon!" Mr Mustache waves and waits until she disappears in the corner. She continues walking to the bus stop, her mind reeling. A wave of nausea and excitement flew through her veins. And she tells herself it's all because of the sunny, bright morning instead of an all-too-familiar feeling in her stomach that scares the living hell out of her.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

with a capital R.

April 12th, night time

Imagine driving on a long, straight highway with nothing else around you but good music, good companion, and a map spread out right next to you. You look outside; and it's a bright, clear day with trees rustling and birds chirping and sun peeking between the clouds, just strong enough to keep you warm inside the car but not too much that you get instantly cranky. It's a perfect setting and you hum along to the tunes in the radio because you know it off the back of your head. You've been singing to the same tune and smiling at the same buck-toothed toll ticket guy for as long as you live. Rapping your fingernails on the steering wheel as you hum along and reaching out to your backseat to find that half-open bag of chips ready to be devoured every time you feel your tummy grumble. It has become automatic. Familiar. Standard operating procedure. Your default system.

In short, you like knowing where things are.

You like the ease of placing things and the comfort of knowing that you're doing the right thing. Each of those sunny morning turns to nice evenings with cool airs and eventually into dark, balmy nights. You love it; you love knowing exactly when the color of the skies are going to change. You enjoy the tick of the dashboard clock cos it always signals the change of time at the exact minute and second. Morning, noon, evening, night. And repeat. It's your every day routine. You honk when you see a deer accidentally crossing the street and sigh in relief when it jumps back to avoid your car. The smile returning to your face, you lean back at your headrest and shift back to second gear. It's safe, it's comfortable, it's easy, it's something that you know everyone is expecting you to do.

You go ahead and keep driving; the road is still a stretch and stretch and stretch of miles with no other car around and no indication of where it's going to end. The seasons slowly change, and the autumn leaves are starting to fall; brown and red specks filling up your car roof and blocking your view but hey, so what? All you need to do is turn the wiper on and poof, the leaves slide off. Easy. Convenient. Predictable. Nothing you can't handle.

And then one night; one cool, perfectly windy night, as you lower the sound of the radio and listen to the soft hum of your engines running, taking in the comfortable, soothing silence,

A monster truck is speeding right towards you.

Its headlight glaring and engines roaring, it takes you by so much surprise that, for the first time in your twenty five years of driving, you step on that brake as hard as you can and feels your heart drop to the freaking floor and you hear someone drawing in a sharp breath until you realize it's actually your own. Panicking, you quickly shift the gear into reverse and hear the tires screech as your car speeds backwards, your heart pounding in the rib cage. And this truck; this thing that comes out of nowhere and shocks the hell out of you; it's not backing down. Its huge headlights are blinding your face and couldn't care less if it makes you lose concentration in the middle of the night. The map is crumpled now; the bag of chips fell down to the floor and scattering everywhere and the car alarm is ringing and the music stops playing and just like that, your world is upside down.

This truck keeps charging towards you, forcing you to take no other way but back into where you started. Back into before you even entered the highway. Forcing you to finally look left and right instead of always looking straight ahead and with each mile you passed backward, your heart is pounding in your ears and you get this chill, this eye-opening, face-slapping chill when you realize what you've been missing all your life. The unknown is always scary, so you can imagine how scared shitless you are. You feel like you took a wrong detour and you want to rip the map in two in frustration. You feel like you can no longer rely on your trusted car, the CD sounds awful and those chips taste bitter. Everything feels wrong now. Something is tugging in your chest and it begins with a U and ends with a Y. It's the one thing you hate, your arch nemesis.

It's like a flashback rolling back each decision you made in your mind; when you took right instead of left; when you said no instead of yes; when you just refuse to open up and to just be adventurous and steer off the path instead of staying in the track all the time. There are road signs everywhere- why didn't you take a leap?? Why did you never take off your seatbelt to hear that satisfying pop? The highway you chose was everything you're fond of, everything you like, everything you're comfortable with--but it's not something you've always dreamed of.

April 13th, 00: 40

I can still hear the tires screeching. And somehow, something tells me this is not bound to end anytime soon.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Sun, feb twelveth

Something with ketchup bottle; mirror; pandora box; a metaphor in the making. Will write later.

Monday, January 2, 2012

twenty twelve!

Happy New Year!

In my view, this is the best NY 2012 greeting, written by the one and only Neil Gaiman.

Read it, mull it and enjoy :)

Sunday, December 18, 2011

this post brings tears to my eyes

..in a completely good way.

http://stormyhaze.blogspot.com/ (title: A Little Thank-You Note)

This post leaves me speechless. Utterly completely speechless.

I love you, sis :)