"I sat beside you and became myself."

Dear You, she wrote.

Hi. How are you?

It used to be a really simple question, but I really am wondering how you've been.

She paused for a minute, and picked up her pen again. You know; I have tons, and I mean TONS of things to say to you. But I've shut the door, remember? Shutting it closed and locking it and throwing away the key, because opening it will be like opening a dam and everything will rush out. And I don't want that.

We both don't.

You must be wondering who I'm talking about here. You must be thinking, "Is she writing about me? Is this me?" You'll figure it out soon enough.

One sunny noon,I suddenly stumbled upon a rabbit in the middle of the day. So, very, incredibly, unexpected. I noticed you the first time I met you. I wanted to know you better the first time I met you. But wishes come and go, so I never thought about it anymore. People meet strangers all the time and that's it, right?

Wrong.


I never kept that rabbit as a pet. I never owned it. But I got to know it. I patted him in the back and said, "Are you lost? Let's sit in that bench and talk." So we talked. With each passing minute, with each story we shared, I knew you were going to be different. The story we unveiled was a lot deeper than we usually shared to anyone. I was surprised; but I kept my mask on. I didn't want to reveal the emotions I felt beneath it.

You make me smile.

I know, I know; everyone does. Everyone and everything makes me smile. I'm easily entertained. I laugh at the silliest things. But you-you do, and you say, the things that made it hard for me to contain laughter in public place. Our common interests were insane; you were full of wit, you never think twice of debating me, never think twice to challenge me. I never knew conversations could be that easy.

I really thought we were going to stay friends. But then one morning you uttered a line of sentence that took the words out of my mouth, leaving me shocked and restless and happy and confused. But still, I put my mask on. Nothing was revealed. You, dear Rabbit, asked me then, "Should I stay? With all these heavy baggage? Because if you want me to leave, I'll do it."

I whispered, Stay.

All those times I interacted with you, I kept my mask on. Pushed you away. Didn't make you as a priority. Feigned ignorance. Said all the things I didn't mean. Until one day, you left. You bowed down with your magic hat and you left. I watched. And didn't say anything. I had the weirdest sensation in my stomach; which was when I realized, you're not just any rabbit. I managed to get you off my mind in the next couple of weeks, because I had other things in mind.

Eventually, long story short, I decided to take my mask down. I took a deep breath, raised my arm, and pulled it off. I breathed in some fresh air, ready to smile. Ready to laugh. Too late; the minute I take off my mask, you turned your back on me. I watched. Me being me, I didn't say anything. You got up on your two feet and you left.

I thought we were supposed to wave goodbye first before we turn around.

I whispered, Stay.

Dear You, she wrote. This, is the one place I know that you wouldn't read (anymore). Which is good. Because I wouldn't have the guts to say these to you. I kept everything to myself, and I can't take it anymore. Well, here goes.

You were my definition of Comfort.

I tried to resist saying it out loud; you took me by surprise. You were sincere, you were patient; you were THERE. You did one thing that only one person was able to do it previously; you do things I wanted you to do even without me saying it out loud.

Seriously? She smiled. You seriously still can't figure out who I'm talking about here?

Yes, it's you. Stop glancing left and right and start opening your eyes; don't keep staring at your shoes. She stopped writing, wondering if she should write the next sentence.

You remember when I said back then, I hear something breaking in the distance but the sound is still too vague for me to figure out what it is?

I know it now.

I never thought that the lost rabbit I bumped into, a random face amongst 230 million population in the country, will lead to this. The smile we exchanged, back a gazilion years ago; I never thought it could lead to this. But there's no use looking back, so let's keep our eyes glued on the future and on someone else.

I know you do already.



What you're doing right now; I have to say, it lets me down. Is it really that easy for you to turn around and hop away as if nothing happened? I was just doing the right thing, back then.

Remember; remember every single word I said because I meant them. I might have looked careless and ignorant, but I wasn't. Remember; if I really had changed you, if you weren't lying your butts off when you said it, maintain it. Remember; the promise you made, even though I know the deal is off now, remember to keep your words the next time. Remember; the songs. You know exactly which ones. Remember; the laughter. The twinkle in her eyes. The way they lit up. Remember; the coffee shop.

When we cross paths again, one day, someday,be it when we're old and grey, I'll smile. Not at you, but to myself. Reminiscing the times, shaking my head in disbelief. For such a short timing, it sure was an out-of-this-world feeling. The kind of feeling the lead male character gives the female character in novels. A storybook romance with no fairytale ending. I'll pass you by, and I won't really care if you remember. The moment our shoulders brush will be the moment the smile creeps to my face. And by then, I'll whisper, "Thank you."

You might have heard it and turned around, or you might have not. You might have turned and stared, trying to figure out where you knew that girl; she seems familiar, somehow.

I can't answer that for you. The only person who will know it, is you. But I do know one thing for sure, and this, I will only say once. This, I only have the nerve to say once in my life.

She's the girl who will never forget how you once made her feel.


***






I will probably delete this post; soon.

possibly one of the best blog posts I have ever seen.

Before anything else, check out what my best friend wrote in her blog a few months ago (the link is here) :


"I should forget to remember you. Just like you always remember to forget me.

I hate you. And if I’m totally honest, maybe I miss you.

But I deserve someone who will stay.

Not someone who's gonna look me in the eye and whisper things this ear wants to hear.

Doesn't have to be the primary star of the football team.

Doesn't even have to be my oh-so-other half or McSomething.

Basically, doesn't have to be you.

I deserve someone who will just simply stay.

From January to December, today 'til forever."


I'm simply out of words.

nice.

"I can always take care of myself, but i want to meet that one person who can prove it to me that I can't.",-

The quote above represents half of this pent-up feelings inside that I have been completely, utterly speechless about in the past few days. This, is exactly what I mean when I wrote "I'd like to have my hand held when I cross the street sometimes" in the earlier post.

No, it doesn't mean I'm whiny and clingy. And if yes, so what? You're the person I want to unload all my complaints to. You're the person I choose to listen to all my sad stories to, person I want to be hugged by, the person I want to take care of in return, you're the only person I choose to be clingy with. Ever think about it like that?

I didn't think so.

don't let your head get any bigger; please.

You know how people always say there's a silver lining in every cloud ? Well the good thing from this whole breakup thing is that I get to do a number of things I almost wanted to do and never did before. It's nice to go out to places I never visited before and meet old friends and new people. All for the sake of a good time.

And seriously, I can't say this enough; you get to know who your real friends are. Even those who have been out of touch for years suddenly heard about the news and gave you a call, a text, a ping, asking what's wrong, how could it have happened, and then take you out for dinner. None of them wants me to stay alone in the house, nobody wants me to be miserable.

My newest hobby right now is just to gaze into nothingness and let my mind gradually slip away. I don't want to think about anything.

This dear good friend of mine -you know who you are- told me that 'sadness is a form of art' and that overcoming it will be an achievement. It's words and advises like that that keep me smiling. Even though I just got out of an almost-five-years relationship, I'm not alone; and with friends like that, I will never be. It gets the hardest at nights and on weekends, honestly, but I'll get through this. It is never easy at the beginning.

On a slightly separate note, I've been disappointed with some other thing. Let's just say, I think my point was right back then; that all banks are the same. Even the ones you thought were good, honest and trustworthy turns out to be dishonest and plainly disappointing. People just can't hold on to their words these days, sadly.

Oh, I also discovered something weird yesterday morning when I woke up; my journal! It was under my bed and I flipped through it and it was hilarious to see how dramatic I was in high school. But some of the entries made me smile because they brought back certain memories. I sat there and read those pages thinking, you have no idea what's gonna happen; if you did, you wouldn't write these stuff.

It's funny, really, how we saw that person back then and how we see them now. Funny how they change but remain the same, too. And how my perceptions towards them also shift, in a good way. Funny how we thought the people who were gonna leave at the beginning, turns out to be the ones who stay until today.

And vice versa.

I guess some people aren't meant to leave. And some aren't meant to stay. When the second one happens, the best thing to do is to sincerely let them go. And I do. Seriously. It was amazing while it lasted, but if that person suddenly changes and turns their back on you, let go. That's just one less person to deal with in this million-population world. Thanks for the memories.

And when they turn out to stay, always, by your side, even if you can't see them all the time, then be grateful. I have this one friend who I thought I've lost forever, a couple of times, in the past few years .It used to make me sad and upset at the thought of losing him and that it was 'the end', caused by many factors. But no. That friend always returns, in the most unexpected timing and ways. Return to remind you again about warmth and comfort and saying all the right words to make you laugh.

That's exactly the kind of people you have to keep in your life, no matter what.

Being 'alone' really makes you appreciate the little things, too. And it makes you somewhat more mature. Someone also told me, 'never be in denial. Be sad when you're sad and be happy when you're happy.' I'm currently in-between those two feelings. I keep being surprised and taken aback by the people who approached me these past few days, the ones who offer their shoulders for me to cry on. I never thought it would come from them; but then again, I like the feeling of being surprised.

Wow, writing really feels good. So I think from now on I'm gonna focus on only one person that matters the most: me. I will do things that make me happy. As long as it doesn't cause anybody harm, it's fine, right? I bowed down for so many years that now it's time to finally stand up and get the recognition I deserve. Culinary lessons? Italian language course? Traditional dance practices? Sign me up. The busier I get, the better. I might not have my hand held throughout the process anymore, but I'll live. I might have lost my spirit-booster, but, again, I'll live.

I've had enough dealing with the wrong people and issues in the past; from now on, I'll just deal with those who really matter. Hey-funny thing; it was raining hard when I started writing this post, and now that I'm almost done, it's sunny again out there. Haha. A sign?

Wait; speaking of signs, I'm starting to not believe in them anymore. I used to smile to myself thinking about "signs" but maybe it's all just a load of unnecessary coincidences. Who knows? From now on, I will not read too much into something, in order not to wake up this monster called Insecurity sleeping inside. Why think about something that doesn't involve you anymore?

This must be one of the longest blog post I've ever written; but who cares? I feel relieved. Writing feels good. Words are flying left and right with no barriers; I like it.

Have a good Sunday everyone, I hope Monday and the rest of next week will bring happiness and smiles to our faces.

It's never easy when something has to end.

Four years; what's that, 1000 days? More?

It would be stupid for you to ask me how I feel; this is surreal. I can't remember the last time I was not with someone in my daily life.

You know how companies give out standby statements, deliver key messages, and so forth in communications world? I need those. I need to prepare some kind of a standby statement so people will stop asking "what's wrong"?

And lucky me, I have these super friends who are doing just that. Spreading the news quietly so I don't have to deal.

In the past few weeks I was a wreck, asking left and right whther I should do this. I think some of my friends see something that I don't. But in a way, I also see something they don't.

That this is for the best, for both of us.

At first I thought, "God please I hope I'm not making a mistake." But in the past two days I've come to think, "Even if I did make a mistake, so what?" Without making mistakes, you will never learn.

So, I guess this is it.

I can't write any more than this; not yet.

Be good. =)

the perishers- pills

It started as a small pile that nobody couldn't care less about, but it piled up and up and up to a huge, overwhelming mountain. That's what you get when you ignore small things.

You thought it won't matter, but it did. It does. And now you're stuck and have no idea how to melt that mountain, how to move or at least push it a bit. It's too late. You've been swallowing sands for the past years and now suddenly you want to throw it all up.

See how dangerous it is when you try to hold back?

But being you, you're willing to give a second chance. Or third. Or fourth. Or two millionth. Please, don't screw up this time. Any little mistake will make you turn your back and walk away from the mountain without even trying.

You believe that everyone's good inside. That they want the best for you, that's all. But sometimes they're doing it all wrong. They twist and turn and eventually forget what they were about to do in the first place instead.

I don't know what i've been feeling these past few days. Not sadness but not happiness either; somewhere in-between. I never felt this before. Like something's tugging at your chest but you don't know what. Something bad is hanging in the air but you dont know what. I dont like second-guessing. Something smells fake.

I should've said something, from day One. From the second I smell the smoke, before I detect the fire. From the second I felt something was not right, back those few years ago, I should have said something.

Yet I nodded and smiled and pretended (wished?) that I was okay. That everything is under control. That everything is gonna be all right til the end.

Nobody warned me that you must sacrifice yourself and your feelings to THIS point when you're in a relationship.

It turns out that even my (few) best friends can tell what's going on from the beginning.

I guess I didn't listen to them because I didn't want to be proven wrong. But the vision is getting clearer and now, again, I'm stuck. Too late.

Are there such things as "too late"?

"I care about this, about us, about you. More than anyone else."

I really do.

But apparently it IS stupid to wish that people can read your mind and do exactly what you want without you telling them. A person like that is impossible to find.

So. Two millionth chance, anyone..?

"detail and measurable things"

Learning to let go. Of things, of people, of used items , of feelings.

If I could say one thing, is that I'm sick listening to other people. You don't get to live my life on a daily basis; I do.