bright lights, toyboxes, porcelain dolls

Beating way faster than normal.

2012-02-12T20:20:00.002+07:00

Don't you think the title says it all?

Sun, feb twelveth

2012-02-12T01:07:00.000+07:00

Something with ketchup bottle; mirror; pandora box; a metaphor in the making. Will write later.

YLLANIF.

2012-02-04T00:03:00.002+07:00

Dear Heart,

You win.

Sincerely,
Head

'I told you so's.

2012-01-14T10:02:00.005+07:00

She really thought I had it in the bag.

She thought, she really thought that by sitting in this boat, in a perfect balance, was safe enough. She thought, even though this wooden, rickety boat she's sitting at is half hanging off a cliff with the wild river below, this boat will not move an inch because she's holding the paddle and her sitting position is right.at.the.middle. Not an inch backward or forward. Just right. Perfect balance. Just comfortable enough.

She liked it here cause she's in control. Paddle in hand, she laughed, she finds out more about him, she listened to his stories while he listened to hers, and occasionally swatting away unwanted flies and bugs just because she was (still) so intrigued by him. When he wasn't looking, though, she sneaked a glance down the cliff. Whistling under her breath, she knew it would be one hell of a scary ride. Thousands of feet below the cliff; wild stream of current; unknown level of depth. Let's not go there. She intends to keep her paddle and sit exactly where she was sitting, forever glued. But balanced.

On Friday, 13 January 2012 (I know.) at exactly xx xx p.m., the boat rocked. There was literally no storm, no light rain, no animal attacks, no wind at the slightest. Well, maybe...maybe a small shake of leaves from the trees above her. Maybe a bird chirping that shocked the air out of her. It caught her off guard and the next thing she knew, the boat swayed more violently and tipped backwards, and what do you do when you lean backward from a thousand feet in the air?

You fall. Hard.

The kind of falling that no one can stop, no matter how much you panic trying to grasp the rocks, arms flailing gracelessly. When you open your eyes, you're in the water gasping for breath. You're swallowing lungs of water and let's not forget the way your body slams against the current-- it hurts. Not in a bleeding way, but more in a numbing way that stings. The way your hearts is beating so strangely; what is this, seriously? A mix of fear, excitement, fear, sadness, regret, happiness like a teenager on helium, fear, impatience, irony, excitement, and did I mention fear? You want to smile, laugh and scream at the same time. She guesses in the back of her mind she always knew this was going to happen eventually. She just did not know it would be this fast and that itwouldfeelikethis.

From her view here down in the river, she can only look up on the cliff and make out his silhouette standing there, probably scratching his head wondering what happened. The thing is..., If only she knew how to survive in the jungle,she can definitely make her way back up. If only she had the heart to be ferocious and heartless and evil with no ability to feel bad for people, there wouldn't be any problem. She would've been whistling happily up there and this wouldn't have been written. But you know she can't. So despite his hints, his attention, their laughter, their serious, deep sessions; their dinners; you know she can't. She's not that kind of person even though sometimes she thinks that she should for once. And the thing is..., if he wasn't so...what she would've described as the lead favorite male character in a certain story in Microsoft Word,climbing that rocks back up and into the boat would've been a piece of cake. If only our chats weren't so easy and so comforting it's insane, all of this wouldn't have happened. If only you weren't so

Shit. I'm never gonna get back up there, am I ?

twenty twelve!

2012-01-02T23:25:00.002+07:00

Happy New Year!

In my view, this is the best NY 2012 greeting, written by the one and only Neil Gaiman.

Read it, mull it and enjoy :)

this post brings tears to my eyes

2011-12-18T12:10:00.000+07:00

..in a completely good way.

http://stormyhaze.blogspot.com/ (title: A Little Thank-You Note)

This post leaves me speechless. Utterly completely speechless.

I love you, sis :)

one winter day

2011-12-18T11:29:00.000+07:00

Sure, it's all going great, at least as great as she never thought it would be. Their laughter vibrated off the auditorium and everyone is smiling and hugging and dancing and singing off the top of their lungs. There's this warm burst of happiness in their chests every day and night and these two in particular cannot stop smiling at each other, shaking their heads unable to believe that everything is a great as they never thought it would be.

The tickle in their stomach, the gleeful look in their eyes, the bubble of laughter escaping their throat, the exchange of witty banter and inside jokes that only the two of them know. The unspeakable level of understanding that they have of each other just by exchanging brief glances. Hand gestures. Body language. It's all going oh so great; yes, it's happening and no; it's not only a friction of imagination.

But what happens when the show ends and the reality starts?

When the lights go out and the script is no longer written; when the rest of the cast heads home in sorrow and the laughter stops echoing in the room; when the playbook she's holding in her hand reads 'THE END-NOW WHAT?'; when the words finally die in his throat; when the music abruptly stops and all heads turn to see who's standing in the doorway in horror; when he's a deer caught in the headlight; when the big question arrives and reality sets in; when it's time to flip the coin and make a decision; when the audience gets up and leaves one by one with one last bittersweet look at the lead male and female cast; when the janitor passes by and sweeps everything off the floor, including the remains of the scripts;

I guess there's no other way for her but to have one final bow and exit stage; left.

365 days

2011-07-17T20:28:00.000+07:00

I wonder how many of you have settled for second best.

I've stumbled upon many conversations about people dreaming, wanting, yearning to go somewhere, have something, be with someone....but ends up somewhere far far away from their initial destination, their ultimate goal; dangerously steering off the track.To shift this into yet another metaphor (as I obviously cannot mention the real case here), let's think of this as your preference for foods, so to speak.

So after years of years of living and reading cuisine magazines; after countless dining in restaurants, cafes, and home-cooked meals; you finally, finally, at last, know what you want as your last meal before you die: a slice of mushroom pizza. (i know it's called fungi, you pretentious culinary freaks. But this ain't a foodie blog so just scram and hurry back to your kitchen).

With mushroom pizza in mind, you are now set to explore the world and the magical restaurant adventure to search for this one perfect last meal to have for the rest of your life. You cannot wait to taste every bite of it and you appreciate each and every ingredient in it; you yearn for the creamy, slightly cheesy sauce; the soft pizza dough, the tangy sauce and the crisp, finger-lickin-good slices of mushrooms. You admire them all. And you cannot wait to have them as the perfect choice to close the final chapter of your life.

But there's one catch--you still don't know yet which restaurant has them. Of course, most restaurants do. But when you take that first bite, you realize that either the mushrooms are limp, the dough is far from edible, or the sauce smells funny. Either way, you get back on your feet and resume your journey to find the most exquisite, exceptionally good mushroom pizza you've realized you've been wanting all your life. But the challenge is tempting. And I'm not talking about the weather or the far distance--rain, storms, strong sunshine; you can take all of these. It's the temptations of other foods you cannot stand.

What's stopping you from sitting down, resting your super tired legs on a streetside bench one day, and eating delicious hot dog sold in the cart right in front of you? What about those fettuccine? Did you see the cheese on that burger? And don't even get me started on deserts..........And one day, one very tiring day, just when you feel so down and you're so sure that you will never, ever find the restaurant that sells the dream mushroom pizza, you finally stop in front of a steakhouse, panting and out of breath. It's been weeks. Months. Years. And still you haven't eaten anything because you're so sure you'll find your pizza. So you raise your hand and push open the door to the steakhouse, where the OPEN sign dangles happily. You took each step to the counter with unspoken embarrassment and disappointment at yourself, but oh, well. You finally raise your head and face the smiling waitress ready to take your order. Your hand trembles when you have that first slice of chicken steak.

And just like that--you've settled for second best. Congratulations.

I wonder how many people are fine with it. I wonder how many of you said "FINALLY" instead of "Oh, well." I wonder how many of you finds that mushroom pizza in the end and feeling so happy that you ignored all those burgers and pretzels and steaks. I wonder how many of you are smiling full of admiration at your pizzas right now, feeling content, fulfilled, satisfied. Finally. And the question I'd like to know most, is why. Why did you ever stop on that bench to smell the foods? Why are you so easily settling for second best while you know that something greater is waiting for you on the other side? Are you so scared that you won't get to meet other foods, so you decide to eat whatever's in front of you? Is it the not knowing that kills you? Are you so sure that you'll never find that restaurant? Because settling for second best doesn't work--you know?

Not when you've had that pizza before.

This, I should've told you in the beginning, isn't the case where you don't know whether the mushroom pizza exists or not. You know for a fact that it does. You've had half a bite of it, so you know it's here. Somewhere. But you don't want to go back to that half bite--this time you want the full slice. So when you've been craving mushroom pizza all these years, and then you end up thinking what the hell and opt for a chicken steak instead, you know what happens?

It.doesn't.taste.the.same. All the time you're savoring that steak with your fork and knife, you cannot help thinking the two most dangerous words ever invented together: What If. And by the time you chop that first slice of steak.....I hope you realize that you're saying goodbye to those delicious sauce, warm pizza dough and crispy mushrooms forever. You can't even afford to sneak a glance at it. Adios. All because you bought a chicken steak. Come on, it's a mushroom freaking pizza. It's not exactly rocket science. And that satisfied sigh you let out once you lips touch the dough; won't that be priceless?

This probably doesn't make sense to you. I'm just jotting down certain thoughts that I've been hearing endlessly from people around me. Certain stories that make me scream silently--of course you're not happy; you settled for second best!

Anyways. This isn't a personal story, not really. I will make sure to let you know when I find that delectable mushroom pizza. And by then, I most definitely will let you know whether I'll decide to say 'finally'...or 'oh well.'

eye for an eye?

2011-05-28T12:46:00.001+07:00

Do you know what is the common, most simple mistake that causes fights, heated arguments, and spiteful debates?

It's the incapability to see the other person's signal.

I have been placed, sometimes unintentionally, as the middleman between two people who don't like each other in one room. When one of them speaks, I can just tell that he's giving warning vibes by the words he's chosen to speak out. (OK, Lesson One: you might think that angry people don't realize what's gonna come out of their mouth, right? Wrong. Their words are already structured and poised so properly that they knew it was gonna come off as rude as possible to their opponent, like a stretch bow aiming right to their heads.)

When you hear that certain tone, that sarcastic grit of teeth that's like fingernails in chalkboard to your ears, that reply coming out of their lips that sounds like they're ready to challenge you to the next Gladiator match, even if they didn't exactly say "Fuck off I hate you", even though they looked relaxed when delivering the next line while the words are dripping with acid and tension rises a millimeter higher in the room,

THEN BACK DOWN.

Seriously.

To me personally, as I've been in this situation more times than you think, when one of them spits out something that i just KNOW will offend the other person, and when the other person starts replying with more hurtful comebacks with an even more frightfully calmer tone, I knew it was going to be a disaster. It's just like watching horror movies (read: slasher teen crap) when the stupid blonde bimbo decides to go upstairs to check if her friend's alive, when the audience all know that a serial killer with a butcher is grinning in anticipation in the upstairs bedroom.

OK, rewind just a little bit.

Even way before the hurtful comebacks and sarcasm starts, even before the offensive slurs will pour out, please, I'm begging you to please read your opponent's moods and body language. You see, I thought this was a normal rule of thumb that everyone is familiar of.

Trust me, it's not.

Although it's flattering that people kind of trust a certain someone to be the middleman, sometimes it's more like a curse than a blessing. Add to the fact that both parties will eventually come to you to ask for advice.

Seriously, people. It's a much nicer feeling when you're actually not fighting with anyone. Try it for once. Backing down for once in a while will NOT hurt anybody--not even your ego. Or at least, have the courtesy to LISTEN to your opponent's story first and see it from their point of view. Maybe you missed something there.

Well anyway, this is pretty depressing for a Saturday-morning posting. I'll stop, though I can't say this won't have its Part II and III an so on, and will leave this posting happy and cheerful and optimistic by wishing you all a great, well-deserved weekend.

Oh. I wrote "Lesson One" up there, so I'd better follow up with Lesson Two:

This post and my theory, of course, is all complete and utter bullshit when I'm the one facing an opponent.

a look back over the shoulders

2011-05-17T19:27:00.001+07:00

I've been reading my past Facebook statuses and old college photos.

I cannot stop smiling.

I looked so darn happy it's ridiculous. And all those posts that my friend posted in my wall back in 2009-2010, wow, it brought another smile to my face. I'm so terribly blessed and insanely lucky to be surrounded by these people. The birthday greetings from those you never hear from after high school, the friends of friends you meet and never thought would stay in touch, and the things your best friends say. Amazing. You just feel that warmness in your stomach right away.

It also made me realize how much I've missed out. I don't remember people's birthdays and I don't check Facebook quite often because I don't really have the time privilege. I don't ask how my friends have been doing, and the worst is I don't reply to people's greetings anymore. I read my own status, my own 'what are you doing's (or some sort) and I smiled, reading the old, happy, carefree me. I mean seriously, you can just tell how delirious this Dinda Citrini is just from her status updates. And her photo comments on her friends' albums. And her everyday activities. Despite the internship report, the internship itself, and the part-time bookstore shift, you could see how much she enjoyed every second of her life.

Not that I'm not, right now, but still......it's just very, very different.

I seemed content and happy and secure, like I have both feet planted firmly on the ground and just waiting eagerly for the next day to arrive and the next big thing to happen. The only things I needed to worry about was a college exam or when my next practice will be or stressing over some unimportant embarrassing relationship stuff. (i.e. "I JUST SAW SOME GIRL COMMENTING YOUR STATUS WHO THE HECK WAS THAT!!!", which, come to think of it, is pure insanity. Period.) It was so nice, stressing over these little things. No drama, no office politics, no exaggeration, no sense of lost-ness.

I can guarantee you see a much smaller and lesser amount of smiley icons in the recent status updates. Or Twitter. I bet if I'd used twitter back then, it would've sounded as cheerful as a chipmunk on helium too.

I kinda miss it.

I kinda miss looking forward to the next best thing. Well I do have a couple in my list now, though it's unlikely to happen anytime soon. Sure I still feel delirious over the small stuff like dinner parties with my girlfriends. Or family. Or small trips somewhere. But it only lasted during that moment..I need something more permanent. Something more, much more permanent that will not have even the slightest power to wipe a happy smile off my face.

I think I need a long getaway.

I WANT MY OWL BACK!

2011-05-08T18:33:00.000+07:00

Where did my owl background go?! :_(

I want my "hoot hoot" pink owl perched on the top of this page to be back. Can anyone help? :( I think I need to do something with the html again. Not exactly good with this stuff.

Anyways, guess where I've just returned from.

Papua.

I bet, if you know me well, that's a sentence you never thought you'd hear, huh? And two words that you'd never think would be in the same sentence; me and Papua.

Anyways, to make long story short, it was a business trip and lasted a week. I literally traveled from Merauke to Sabang because my next destination after FakFak, Papua, is Aceh Tenggara near Medan. I got to do with with a client, but more importantly, with my colleague whom I've considered as quite close. He actually helped the trip more bearable for me because face it, I was scared shitless when they assigned me to go, but it turned out 80% better than i thought. So yay! :) And we got to do some culinary trip in Medan, so all's good.

I might post pictures of Fak Fak and its wonderful citizen later. I'm too knackered right now and I'm actually writing this between sneezes. I basically sound like a man and my head twirls.

So hey, I just realized I never told you about this new side job I got a few months ago. I am now officially a volunteer to teach English to children; how fun is THAT!? Actually come to think of it not really, because I can't teach. I keep giving Snickers bars and Minute Maid juices to any kid who can answer my question, and I've come to think that they only came for the snacks. Well anyway. I'm currently not teaching, though, because the children are off for a 3-month internship somewhere.

I really miss my owl.

I have got to stop sneezing.

eternal infatuation

2011-04-16T23:39:00.000+07:00

I think, I have an unhealthy thing for Disney.

By the way before we start, don't wory, this ain't a paid post. Trust me, i don't have to be paid to write about Michael Mouse & Co.

As part of our annual tradition (and by our I mean me and my soon-to-be-married, 27-yr-old sister and my mom) I watched Disney on Ice's World of Fantasy in Istora Senayan. This year, they featured my all-itme favorite, first-Disney-movie-I-like, the beautiful, magnificent, graceful...

...Lion King.

It's the first movie that made my cry when I was little and it's no secret that I heart lions. Even better, talking lions. So in short, the Lion King on ice was A MA ZING. Flawless. Scar was vicious as hell, Musafa was courageous, Nala was graceful and Timon and Pumba, well, were very little and big, respectively.

And then they sang all these songs that I still know by heart, thanks to the endless hours of watching its laser disc (!!) and dancing in front of TV to the tunes (!!!!)when I was a kid.

I personally think Walt Disney is crazy.

Was, I meant. The dude is practically responsible for all dreamy-eyed, wistful-looking children aged zero to twenty four years old (ahem) all over the globe. It's crazy how he created this whole alternate universe where princesses and fairies and princes and castls and insane-looking characters exist. Disney is ageless, in terms of its audience and the brand itself. You will never ever get tired of Disney and I personally do not get people who don't like Mouse & Co.

Anyways.

Work has been crazy. Something even crazier in terms of personal life has occurred last week but I'm in no mood whatsoever to tell it here. Oh, also, I have a new resolution. I've come to events in my life that are going berserkly (a word?) wrong, completely, unbelievably off the right path. Far beyond my plans. And that throws me down to the ground, many many times, so my new reslotion would be not to have plans. At all. Not even plan Bs and Cs.

THEN I'd be free from the threat of a cardiac arrest at such a young age. I get terrified and jittery all the time, worrying over the fact that my life will not go according to plan. I'm done with that. You can only get so far with them and what do you do when it fails to happen? You become depressed! Thus, my next plan, effective imemdiately, is not to have a plan.

...we'll see about that.

You're better off being boring than pretentious.

2011-04-03T17:54:00.000+07:00

OK, I need to say something first before I dive further into the post.

I'm glad I'm surrounded by smart, intelligent, un-tacky friends and people in my life.

There, I said it. I'm not smart, certainly not knowledgable, and not that kind of intelligent person who blogs or tweets continuously about economic condition, financial markets, tradings, politics, or ancient history. (please; one of my ealirer posts was focusing on a talking cat.)

I'm glad my friends are all well-educated, filled with enriching experiences, and do not worship Starbucks, Segarra, 7/11, Bali (Twitter alert status: "Beach plz!"), fixie, current Jakartan ABG slangs, or Zooey Deschanel ("OMG her style is so me!!!!!!") as their ultimate hangout spots or role models. I like that each of my friend has their own distinctive style, thoughts, insights, one that does not scream desperation to fit in. I'm glad that I have those who constantly update me both on the entertainment hot spots in town and current affairs. Or, to quote a friend back then,

"These days you just can't afford being stupid."

Which I would love to put as the closing statement of this post.

Thank you.

"when my darkers days are my alibi"

2011-02-27T01:39:00.000+07:00

So here's what I've been up to in the past months since we last talked:

1. I drank coffee. (!!) Although, bear in mind that my version of coffee is Nescafe's 3 in 1 with two teaspoons of sugar. At least.

2. Flew alone, abroad, for the very first time for a business trip. Don't you love how professional it sounds, 'business trip'? When I was little and went to airports, I saw men with gray suits and briefcases and wearing glasses and I wondered, always, what IS a business trip? What do you do there? It sounded far from interesting, but hey, like everything else in this world, you don't know how cold the water is until you dip your feet into it. In other words, it was pretty awesome. I get to look all serious in my work suit and reading glasses. (They weren't necessary, really, if only I didn't have a meeting to go straight into right after I landed. And the glasses were to protect my dear beloved eyes who are getting even more unpredictable. Speaking of which, )

3. I finally learned what my eye condition is !!! Thanks to RS Internasional Bintaro (whoops- I mean Premiere. They changed it after the Health Ministry required all so-called international hospitals to be officially accredited, and RSIB is not. But hey, we'll get to geeky stuff later.) I finally knew what this disease, this gut-wrenching, horrifying, mood-ruining eye condition is known as: Recurring Cornea Something. (Aggrasion? Aggression? Abrassion?). Which means, the most outer layer of my cornea is highly sensitive because it tends to "fall off". In other words, I'm screwed. Bad news, this disease is unpredictable in terms of when it's going to attack me, i.e. making my eye blood-red and making me feel as if a giant seashell is stuck in there. Good news, there is a cure (YAY!), which includes poking my eyeball with needles (I'm not frigging kidding.) which will help sew together my first and second cornea layers. Another news that is between good and bad, I can only undergo the treatment once the disease attacks again. In precaution though, I am now bringing antibiotic eye drops everywhere I go. I swear, it feels more important than wallet or phone that forgetting to bring it wherever I go freaked me out to no end.

3. My most anticipated client project went successfully in two cities. Had the pleasure of managing it on site in Surabaya, and the brand launch went well. Thank God.

4. I applied for a new job. All still very unclear about the prospect, but hey, would appreciate your good-luck wishes. :)

5. I started liking classic piano tunes. Well, at least only from this guy: John Schmidt. He combined songs beautifully, YouTube it if you haven't already.

6. I discovered that I have a tiny dot of mole in my right leg. You know what this means--the old belief is that people with moles in feet are bound to leave far far away. AMEN!

Whilst none of those updates was interesting, I will try to write more frequently here, as promise when I started this blog.

Good night!

"stop; turn back, rewind."

2011-01-02T01:00:00.000+07:00

It's January 1st, 2011 now. I swear, 2010 must have been the fastest year ever. So in honor to that, I thought I'd give some much-needed awards for some outstanding events that occurred during my 2010.

#Happiest Moment of 2010
: This is easy. No doubt, Jan19-24, 2010. Bangkok trip, three bestfriends, laughing for six days in a row. Exploring a foreign city by foot, eating whatever they are selling in the streetside stalls, sleeping in a hotel we've only heard the name of a few hours prior to booking. Cheap bargains, cheap foods, made musician/artists friends while spending our last night at a jammin' cafe.

#Worst Moment of 2010
: Hmm. Must be when I started getting my eye virus more often. Hurt like hell. Think I'm exaggerating? Imagine living with a pin jabbing your right eye constantly. And it gets worse when you close it, so adios, sleep. Let's hope it won't happen again.

#Best Surprise of 2010
: The Disney media tour, of course. Going to each and every Disney park in the universe has always been my goal. Thanks to the office, I managed to visit the one in HK, all expenses paid. Two down,two more to go. Alhamdulillah. Best business trip ever; even though the eye thingy got in the way--again.

#Saddest Moment of 2010
: When my sister's boyfriend's dad passed away. Enough said.

#Worst Month of 2010
: April. No doubt. Two 'events' were occurring both at the same time, successfully making me lose concentration at work. It was bad, and I mean bad.

#Tear-jerking Moment of 2010
: Make that plural; my bestfriend's wedding, my bestfriend giving birth to her first daughter, my sister's engagement!

#New Thing I Learned in 2010
: ..that I could make a (half) decent three-layered cheesecake and apple pie.

#Most Shocking Moment of 2010
: Mid-April. I think it was a shock for everyone too.

and last but not least,

#Most Memorable Moment of 2010
: Mid-Feb to March. One month. I'm not saying if it was good or bad; all I know for sure is that it was memorable. And always will be.

Happy New Year, everyone.

Trees and mistletoes

2010-12-21T16:34:00.002+07:00

A day where only laughter fills the air; where people aren’t pretentious and where we don’t remember anything that happens more than an hour ago. Carefree; liberated, relieved, laughing and smiling and teasing and reliving and getting away from the redundant daily routines where people stopped being funny and things stopped making sense. . Just a day. I just need one whole day. Where we say things we don’t think twice and think things that we don’t overanalyze. Where everything is just out open in the air and noone would regret what they said or did and noone wouldn’t bite back their tongue. Where we could return home and be puzzled because we couldn’t remember what we just did; couldn’t remember the whole day we spent together because we have returned to the normal life. Where the only things we remember are laughters and smiles and us throwing our head back with glee and affection and this urge to protect and take care of each other. Because eventually people die or disappear or age old and they will regret, for the rest of their lives, that they have never experienced that one day.

....

2010-11-19T21:44:00.001+07:00

I feel like copying and pasting the words here. I feel like shouting to your face. I feel like transforming into that moment, that noon, that place, that conversation, that drink. Singular. I feel like telling you how you have absoltuely no idea how often I recently (re)read it. I feel like laughing at you for being affectionate when I was oblivious and oblivious when I was affectionate. I feel like this is extremely weird because this has been going on for a long time and I have not once experienced this in my life. I feel like smiling everytime I read "it". I feel like smiling when I remember. I feel like smiling when I hear them, because they make me remember. I feel like shaking my head at the events that keep happening, at the fact that as I am jotting this down, as my fingers fly over the keyboard, the random playlist is playing that song. I was, at first, awed when these events started happening, but then I eventually grow tired because I don't think it's normal. I don't think we're normal. Were. I don't think we were normal. I dont think we were normal and you noticed it. I think you noticed everything I said, I did, when I didn't realize. And I analyzed everything you said, and you wrote, right after you stopped noticing. And the more I did, the more I know I shouldn't have done what I did to you. At least, some parts of it. I feel like you'd given me one of the nicest feelings in the world when I didn't deserve it. You were there with your hands outstretched and I danced along without really taking it because I kept twirling around the ballroom. I feel like when I finally reached out to you, you smiled understandingly, looked down, pulled back and the fingertips never even really grazed. I feel like I should have listened to me instead of others; just like how you should've listened to just you. I feel like this is not me talking because I don't do this. I hate complications and I don't have a guideline to fall back on and I hate not having guidelines to fall back on. I feel like you are this distraction out of nowhere, completely steering me off the path. Were. You were. I feel like there was only 60% of you, or even 50%, that you showed and I missed out on the remaining 50%. I feel like not knowing what to say when I see you in person because "hi" would be over (under?) -rated. Because "hi" never explains what I feel. I feel like the biggest feeling I experienced was fear. I was scared by the fact that you knew me so well (and I'm not kidding) with just a short period of time. I feel like throwing up questions at you but I'm not sure if I want to hear the answer now. I feel like

I wonder if you still read this.

six letters

2010-11-09T16:26:00.000+07:00

Who am I kidding?

It's still there. In a neat package, with a pretty ribbon, fully wrapped. It was torn once-so bad, into shreds. But glued back together, piece by piece, slowly.

It might have evaporated in the past few years, but turns out it's there. I had no idea. And the butterflies,

The butterflies never really left.

post #2

2010-11-08T18:44:00.000+07:00

"What and If are two words as non-threatening as words can be. But put them together side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life."

-Letters to Juliet, 2010

it's written in stones

2010-11-06T13:10:00.000+07:00

I wrote, on the left top side of this blog, that my current wish list is (was?) to have a temporary brainwash.

I understand a lot of people are pissed when someone else forgets about something. They go berserk when their mom forgets to pick up the grocery or when their brother forgets to lock the car or when someone else forgets doing something. And don't get me wrong; me too. I hate it when people forget. But I recently discovered that sometimes it is good to forget.

I am an avid forget-ter. That's right, I just made the word up.

I even forgot how old my sister just turned and wrote Happy 25th in the birthday cake instead of 26th. (long story.) I forget about plans I make a long time ago, I forget about promises I swore to keep, about people I'm supposed to meet and things I'm supposed to do. But one fleeting moment last week made me realize that forgetting works both ways; that sometimes it's not always bad. So here's the thing.

I am scared to death about flying. Maybe it's the Air Crash Investigation re-reruns in Nat Geo Channel, maybe it's the image of exploding plane in Final Destination,maybe's it's 9/11, or maybe it's simply the fact that we are thousands of feet above ground accompanied by strangers with small square windows as our emergency exit options. It's better when I'm in there with people I love; but when it's a business trip, I clam up and nod and smile very nervously at the stewardess (extra note: Garuda tends to have rude stewardess. more on that later.)

Last week I had to fly to another city for work. Alone. Well not really alone, but my guests were seated far from me so yes, I was alone and sat squeezed between two unknown strangers. (They were nice! One of them slept while the other one kept talking. We had a nice chat. I found out he has kids, he hates big cities like Jakarta, and yes, the news coverage on Merapi has been slightly exaggerated because he himself lives in Jogja.) So anyway. Everyone knows that the most terrifying moments during a flight is when you take off and you land, right. Taking off was smooth, but seconds before the landing, the plane swayed a little.

I gripped the seat so hard that I stopped listening to my new friend's story. I closed my eyes, started praying silently, wishing it would just be over already, and..

...fell asleep.

I know, right?! Instant "temporary brainwash". I actually dozed off and when I opened my eyes, startled, the plane has landed already. Woohoo! Couldn't help being so proud of myself.

So anyway, there's a real living proof that sometimes forgetting is a good thing.

It sounds like a lame example. But still.

And besides being a forgetter, I'm also an avid detail-er. This, I've noticed quite a long time ago. It's not like I'm a perfectionist, hell no. I just like paying attention to details in something; or someone. Paying attention down to what they're wearing and saying and expressions when we meet face to face and their quirks. To their way of communicating. The music they listen to (trust me, it says a lot). The books they read. The way they write. Their body language. Which is why I often notice it when someone begins to change. The second they change, it's like their brain snaps and starts shifting directions,leaving their routines behind and sending invisible alerts like a warning.

This detail-er thingy; I haven't quite figured out whether this is a good or a bad thing. Whether this is good for temporary brainwashing; or make you wish you'd never noticed them in the first place instead.

post #1

2010-10-19T19:31:00.000+07:00

She told him, "I wanted you to be ordinary; common; bland; usual;uninteresting; un-memorable."

February, 2010

1409

2010-09-15T15:31:00.002+07:00

co·in·ci·dence /koʊˈɪnsɪdəns/
–noun
1. a striking occurrence of two or more events at one time apparently by mere chance.

—Synonyms
1. accident, luck, fate.

a surprising halt.

2010-09-13T02:36:00.001+07:00

This is funny; I've liked this song for ages and never fully understood it until tonight.

I finally got what you mean, Bic Runga.

Don't stray
Don't ever go away
I should be much too smart for this
You know it gets the better
Of me sometimes
When you and I collide
I fall into an ocean of you
Pull me out in time
Don't let me drown
Let me down
I say its all because of you and here I go
Losing my control
I'm practising your name
So I can say it to your face it doesn't seem right
To look you in the eye
And let all the things you mean to me
Come tumbling out my mouth indeed its time
Tell you why
I say its infinitely true
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
And there's no cure
And no way to be sure
Why everything's turned inside out
Instilling so much doubt
It makes me so tired
I feel so uninspired
My head is battling with my heart
My logic has been torn apart
And now
It all turns sour
Come sweeten
Every afternoon
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
Say you'll stay
Don't come and go
Like you do
Sway my way
Yeah I need to know
All about you
Its all because of you
Its all because of you

I love this town.

2010-09-08T19:48:00.002+07:00

You would think I'm crazy, seeing the post title. Me, whose nationalism is already going down the drain. Me, who almost never watches local shows and TV stations and just smiles and nods along when someone is talking about some local celebrities I've only heard and never seen, not even in TV. Me, who would be the first in line to deliver my harsh opinion on Indonesian bands and movies. Whose biggest dream is to get out of this messy jam-packed hellhole and book a one-way ticket abroad. Whose proudest moment to be linked to 'Indonesia' is when performing traditional dances.

But I love Jakarta when it's happy.

I love it when the town is being celebrated or when it's celebrating something, like Lebaran or Christmas. Everyone is in festive moods and cheering and happy and yelling gleefully and shouting joyfully and greeting strangers and praying together in the mosque and let's not forget the snacks for break-fasting. Streets are suddenly lined up with colorful drinks and foods in appealing food stalls and carts, sold at a very attractively low price.

I love the morning rush, the pre-dawn meal, the relief and gratefulness that echo throughout the town when the clock strikes 6 pm. I love overhearing conversations in the train when a woman says "DID YOU KNOW THAT--Oops, I can't gossip right now, I'm fasting." or a woman consoling her angry husband when a newspaper boy accidentally smacked his shoulder. or a non-Muslim opening his mouth to bite into a delicious apple but paused and put it back inside the plastic as he saw a woman wearing Muslims' veil next to him.

I love fasting month and I know I'm gonna love Lebaran. Fasting month is sadly coming to an end in the next two days and I hope, very sincerely, that all of us--including me and you who's reading this, whoever you are--will get another chance to improve ourselves in the next opportunity. There's always something to improve. No matter how often you pray or how religious you are, there's always something you know you can do better. Pray with more sincerity. Eat better. Drink better. Smile more. Fast more often. Donate more to the needy. Avoid anger and lies better. The next time you fast, do it with 110%.

See you in 2011, my favorite month of the year :)

Thank you, Ms Colbie Caillat.

2010-08-20T17:10:00.003+07:00

"I guess there's always some things that will be left unsaid."

Take time to realize,
That your warmth is crashing down on me.
Take time to realize,
That I am on your side
Didn't I, Didn't I tell you ?

But I can't spell it out for you,
No it's never gonna be that simple
No I cant spell it out for you

If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other
and will never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

Take time to realize
Oh-oh I'm on your side
didn't I, didn't I tell you.
Take time to realize
This all can pass you by.. Didn't I tell you ?

But I can't spell it out for you,
no its never gonna be that simple
no I can't spell it out for you.

If you just realized what I just realized
then we'd be perfect for each other
then we'd never find another
Just realized what I just realized
we'd never have to wonder if
we missed out on each other now.

It's not always the same
no it's never the same
if you don't feel it too.
If you meet me half way
If you would meet me half way.
It could be the same for you ..

Jekyll & Hyde

2010-08-15T16:00:00.006+07:00

A cheesecake and a plain cookie are sitting side by side on the counter table, behind the display window in a small bakery shop. Cheesecake is whistling, but Cookie's lips are turned down in a frown.

"What's with the frown?" Cheesecake asked, concerned. "It's a beautiful day outside and we just got out of the oven, freshly baked and heated--you should be smiling like me!"

"Oh, hi," Cookie said, not showing enthusiasm. "yeah. You know. Nothing's up."

"Do you mind sharing? Far as I know, the shop's still empty so I don't think anyone will order us yet...Besides, that new guy Pretzel is basking all the attention nowadays."

Cheesecake's genuine humor eventually got into Cookie, who glanced sideways at her friend and smiled sadly. "I just heard that my Chef will make me a raisin cookie today."

Silence.

Cheesecake frowned, "So what? I don't understand. You're a plain cookie; anything can be your filling, including raisins. Is that why you look so gloomy today?"

"I know it sounds ridiculous," Cookie sighed, her mood lowering even more. "But I don't expect you to understand. You're so lucky you have a great Chef who completely understands what you need without you saying it out loud. The thing is, I hate raisins. And I just heard that my Chef will bake me into fruit-filled cookie next. I mean, doesn't he understand me at all?"

"Have you tried telling him about this?"

Cookie glared at her friend. "Are you kidding? If you meant whether I've tried telling him about this for the twentieth time, then the answer's no."

"Hmm. Then what filling would you like to be baked in?"

"I don't know, normal ones!" Cookie cried. "The ones that I like! Marshmallow cream! White chocolate! God, even the most usual, predictable, boring one: chocolate chip! I love colors, so why doesn't he put M&Ms inside me? I can even be blended with an ice cream when I'm in crumbles! The options are endless, but why does my Chef always pick the ones that disinterest me?"

"Maybe your Chef needs to get to know you better so he can learn what you like. For example, my Chef always makes sure I get two cherries on top instead of one. It's the way I like it." Cheesecake paused. "I'm sorry for your trouble. But why don't you just escape then? Run away, fall down from the table like other desserts do. Abandon your Chef if you can't take it anymore! There are a lot of great Chefs out there."

Cookie's eyes brimmed with tears.

"Aw, please don't start crying," Cheesecake's smile turned upside down, and she edged closer to her friend. A few grated cheese fell off her body. "So why can't you take a distance from your Chef?"

"It's guilt." Cookie sobbed. "I can just turn around and escape from the oven like everybody else. I can run away and find new Chefs like everybody else. But I can't abandon someone who made me who I am today; he made me from scratch. I know he gets up early in the morning to find the best flour and dough and sugar to make me like this. I can't just turn my back on someone like that, even though my affections for him are already almost gone. I feel for him, but on the other hand I know he will never deeply understand what i want, and more importantly. what I need. And the most irritating thing of all is that other desserts can't seem to understand--look at you, for example. You practically looked at me like I was crazy when I first told you the reason behind my mood today. It's not that I'm spoiled and gets offended easily, pissed off just because I'm about to be filled with raisins. But this has been going on for a long time, is it really that hard to be understood?

To want sweet cream instead of raisins? Marshmallows instead of nuts? What else do I have to do to show that I DON'T LIKE THIS and I WANT THAT instead? How long has my Chef been baking me? Years! Years and he still doesn't know that I like to be baked moist instead of dark."

"You know what your biggest mistake is?" Cheesecake asked softly. "You let yourself think that there is a great Chef out there who always fulfills your wishes, your desires, for you; even without you saying it out loud. Like a Chef who reads your mind. Perfect Chefs-Do you really believe they exist?"

Without any hesitation, Cookie said, "Absolutely."

Cheesecake smiled. "You probably thought everything is so perfect with me and my Chef, but it's not. Yes, he reads my mind and knows exactly what I want, but it doesn't mean we don't have any other problems. And he doesn't read my mind all the time either. Sometimes, I have to keep reminding him."

At that point, the display glass slide open and a slice of dark chocolate on a plate swooped in. Her almost-black exterior glittered under the harsh light. She's also known as the Devil's Cake. "Hee-hee!" she greeted, grinning mischievously. "I was sitting outside on the table, waiting for some dumbass to come buy me, but I heard your conversation very clearly." She turned her menacing eyes at Cookies. "And you, my friend, are incredibly stupid."

Cookie looked at her, stunned, and Cheesecake rolled her eyes.

Devil's Cake went on, "You don't stay with someone just because he's nice. When someone's nice, smile! Or in my case, don't." she chuckled at her own joke. "Anyway, why are you still here? Go run out from this dump! I'll help you escape."

"Cookie, don't listen to her." Cheesecake took a deep breath, "If you wanna stay, stay. Work it out. Give another go."

"Another go? I thought she was stupid, but you're incurable!" Devil's Cake cackled. "How many chances does a person deserve when it comes to your own happiness, let me ask you? Do you think we'll live that long, really? Do you think that fat guy sitting right there will not eagerly come to this display window and pick us for his after-dessert dessert? Don't you think, as a good friend," she mocked a sad face, "you should let Cookie find another Chef and more importantly, find her own happiness, finally?"

Cookie was torn, as her friends debated in front of her face. She looked down, sad. She remembered how caring and attentive her Chef has been, but also how completely clueless he was, despite all her warnings and advises.

She had never felt so confused.

"...But she said earlier that she wants to find her own Perfect Chef!" Cheesecake was saying, jostling Cookie out of her thoughts. At that, Devil's Cake closed her mouth and glared at Cookie. Cheesecake sighed and turned to her, too.

"A Perfect Chef?!" Devil's Cake yelled, then laughed harshly. "I have lived in this desserts world long enough to know that n such thing exists. You are way dumber than I thought."

"Devil, stop saying how dumb she is."

"Cheesecake, mind your own cheese-topped head and bug off," Devil's Cake impersonated the cheese's tone mockingly.

"You two, shut up." Cookie cut them off, taking them both by surprise. She glanced left and right. "Help me get up there; I see an opening."

Without saying anything, Cheesecake hoisted the Cookie on its head. Cookie climbed up out of the display window carefully, scared she will dissolve into crumbles. After struggling for a few minutes, Cheesecake asked quietly, "Are you sure you wanna do this?"

Cookie closed her eyes, prayed with her heart pounding heavily, and took a jump. The highest jump she might ever take in her life. When she opened her eyes, she was landing safely on the marble counter table.

"You made it!" Devil's Cake did a victory dance. "You're not so stupid after all!"

Cookie ignored her and struggled to move so she was face-to-face with Cheesecake through a window glass. "Are you sure...?" Cheesecake repeated.

"I've been stuck in that window forever, being something I know I'm not," Cookie said. "I don't know if I will ever work for a Perfect Chef or will I ever find him. But," she smiled, fr the first time that day. "I'm free."

As other desserts watched longingly from inside the glass, Cookie winked at Cheesecake and turned around, relieved to see she was still in one piece. She didn't know where she was going next. She even had no idea how she was gonna go through the front door of the bakery. But the most important thing was, she made the jump.

And the feeling was surprisingly, overwhelmingly liberating.

my brain will be your paper

2010-07-24T17:17:00.002+07:00

This is a mixed feeling of pure excitement, unthinkable nervousness, nausea, happiness, and anticipation.

If everything goes smooth, I will be in the Happiest Place on Earth next Friday.

This has to go smooth. I planned everything, I write my plans, I memorize them, I make backup plans inside my head, this has to go smooth.

My heart is actually pounding whenever I think of it; I mean, if it will only be a simple vacation, then I would have been shouting joyfully right now. But it's not; it's a business trip and therefore I need to be extra careful and ensure that everything is going to go according to plan.

Anyway, let's take some nervousness off. This is Saturday and I plan to watch Inception later and I am currently looking at my Bangkok trip with my friends. It's insane. I remember feeling how happy we were and that we had nothing to think about for a full 7 days. The biggest concerns were what to eat next, what to buy, where to go and what to get people from back home. I didn't even care that we had nowhere to stay on the fourth or third day-I didn't even have plans. Which was so not me.

But that's what best friends do to you.

They give such comfort that walking with no direction with them feels as safe as on a guided tour. We were direction-less yet we didn't care so much because of such wonderful companions.

Comfort; that's the ultimate key.

I can't wait to save more and have another holiday with these girls. Let's do it again next year, yes? =)

On another note, my best friend who just got married last Feb is pregnant !! This is insanity; I can't imagine how she feels, cause I felt like jumping up and down when she told me. She's in my age and her husband is fabulous and they're one of my all-time fav couples, so there's no doubt that the baby is gonna be so loved and so extremely lucky. I can't wait to go baby-clothes-shopping =D

So anyway, wish me luck. I will post something more meaningful later. Bye!

"you said I Love You to a dog- why don't you ever try saying it to a person one day?"

2010-07-01T11:12:00.004+07:00

Let me tell you why I love the movie Made of Honor so much that I can watch it over and over again. Aside from the fact that Patrick Dempsey and his selection of shirts and suits during the movie are ravishing.

Because it opened with a morning scene of Manhattan, NY. The movie began with how the city wakes up, how the bakeries open, how the chefs get out to take the trash in the early dawn.

Because I like the relationship between Tom (Dempsey) and Hannah (played by the ever so beautiful Bridget Moynahan). Because I like how he picks her up at work and takes her to breakfast, brunch and dessert. Because I like how they used to date but then decided to be better off being best friends.

Because Hannah already knows Tom like the back of her hand and how used she is to his one-night-stand stories, his charm amongst the girls, and his fear of commitment and how she accepts all those as his bestest friend. Because they always ordered different desserts and swapped it to taste each other's cake, out of habit. Because Tom said "I can't be your maid of honor; I can't give you up." after their kiss and backed off so she could be happy with her fiancee.

And best of all, because I admire how incredibly brave Hannah is to break off her wedding, right in the chapel, to be with Tom instead, after finally realizing that he's the one after all these years.

something to be thankful for

2010-06-23T12:10:00.004+07:00

Here is the new things I discovered during my 7-day dayoffs from the office. (I will explain THAT later):

1. I'm even more easily bored than I thought I was.

2. Turns out that waking up late, eat, watch Lie to Me, HIMYM, Desperate Housewives and Cougartown at noon, sleep, watch some more tv, eat, second nap, bath, and watch more tv on repeat every day for five days straight is like brain suicide. Add that with only one eye functioning.

3. I miss newspapers.

4. Being off from Twitterland for a week feels surprisingly good.

5. My room is incredibly full with unimportant stuff.

6. My housemaid's son just graduated to junior high. Yay!

By the way, news flash: I'm happy.

=)

"I sat beside you and became myself."

2010-06-02T18:28:00.007+07:00

Dear You, she wrote.

Hi. How are you?

It used to be a really simple question, but I really am wondering how you've been.

She paused for a minute, and picked up her pen again. You know; I have tons, and I mean TONS of things to say to you. But I've shut the door, remember? Shutting it closed and locking it and throwing away the key, because opening it will be like opening a dam and everything will rush out. And I don't want that.

We both don't.

You must be wondering who I'm talking about here. You must be thinking, "Is she writing about me? Is this me?" You'll figure it out soon enough.

One sunny noon,I suddenly stumbled upon a rabbit in the middle of the day. So, very, incredibly, unexpected. I noticed you the first time I met you. I wanted to know you better the first time I met you. But wishes come and go, so I never thought about it anymore. People meet strangers all the time and that's it, right?

Wrong.

I never kept that rabbit as a pet. I never owned it. But I got to know it. I patted him in the back and said, "Are you lost? Let's sit in that bench and talk." So we talked. With each passing minute, with each story we shared, I knew you were going to be different. The story we unveiled was a lot deeper than we usually shared to anyone. I was surprised; but I kept my mask on. I didn't want to reveal the emotions I felt beneath it.

You make me smile.

I know, I know; everyone does. Everyone and everything makes me smile. I'm easily entertained. I laugh at the silliest things. But you-you do, and you say, the things that made it hard for me to contain laughter in public place. Our common interests were insane; you were full of wit, you never think twice of debating me, never think twice to challenge me. I never knew conversations could be that easy.

I really thought we were going to stay friends. But then one morning you uttered a line of sentence that took the words out of my mouth, leaving me shocked and restless and happy and confused. But still, I put my mask on. Nothing was revealed. You, dear Rabbit, asked me then, "Should I stay? With all these heavy baggage? Because if you want me to leave, I'll do it."

I whispered, Stay.

All those times I interacted with you, I kept my mask on. Pushed you away. Didn't make you as a priority. Feigned ignorance. Said all the things I didn't mean. Until one day, you left. You bowed down with your magic hat and you left. I watched. And didn't say anything. I had the weirdest sensation in my stomach; which was when I realized, you're not just any rabbit. I managed to get you off my mind in the next couple of weeks, because I had other things in mind.

Eventually, long story short, I decided to take my mask down. I took a deep breath, raised my arm, and pulled it off. I breathed in some fresh air, ready to smile. Ready to laugh. Too late; the minute I take off my mask, you turned your back on me. I watched. Me being me, I didn't say anything. You got up on your two feet and you left.

I thought we were supposed to wave goodbye first before we turn around.

I whispered, Stay.

Dear You, she wrote. This, is the one place I know that you wouldn't read (anymore). Which is good. Because I wouldn't have the guts to say these to you. I kept everything to myself, and I can't take it anymore. Well, here goes.

You were my definition of Comfort.

I tried to resist saying it out loud; you took me by surprise. You were sincere, you were patient; you were THERE. You did one thing that only one person was able to do it previously; you do things I wanted you to do even without me saying it out loud.

Seriously? She smiled. You seriously still can't figure out who I'm talking about here?

Yes, it's you. Stop glancing left and right and start opening your eyes; don't keep staring at your shoes. She stopped writing, wondering if she should write the next sentence.

You remember when I said back then, I hear something breaking in the distance but the sound is still too vague for me to figure out what it is?

I know it now.

I never thought that the lost rabbit I bumped into, a random face amongst 230 million population in the country, will lead to this. The smile we exchanged, back a gazilion years ago; I never thought it could lead to this. But there's no use looking back, so let's keep our eyes glued on the future and on someone else.

I know you do already.

What you're doing right now; I have to say, it lets me down. Is it really that easy for you to turn around and hop away as if nothing happened? I was just doing the right thing, back then.

Remember; remember every single word I said because I meant them. I might have looked careless and ignorant, but I wasn't. Remember; if I really had changed you, if you weren't lying your butts off when you said it, maintain it. Remember; the promise you made, even though I know the deal is off now, remember to keep your words the next time. Remember; the songs. You know exactly which ones. Remember; the laughter. The twinkle in her eyes. The way they lit up. Remember; the coffee shop.

When we cross paths again, one day, someday,be it when we're old and grey, I'll smile. Not at you, but to myself. Reminiscing the times, shaking my head in disbelief. For such a short timing, it sure was an out-of-this-world feeling. The kind of feeling the lead male character gives the female character in novels. A storybook romance with no fairytale ending. I'll pass you by, and I won't really care if you remember. The moment our shoulders brush will be the moment the smile creeps to my face. And by then, I'll whisper, "Thank you."

You might have heard it and turned around, or you might have not. You might have turned and stared, trying to figure out where you knew that girl; she seems familiar, somehow.

I can't answer that for you. The only person who will know it, is you. But I do know one thing for sure, and this, I will only say once. This, I only have the nerve to say once in my life.

She's the girl who will never forget how you once made her feel.

***

I will probably delete this post; soon.

possibly one of the best blog posts I have ever seen.

2010-06-02T11:22:00.002+07:00

Before anything else, check out what my best friend wrote in her blog a few months ago (the link is here) :

"I should forget to remember you. Just like you always remember to forget me.

I hate you. And if I’m totally honest, maybe I miss you.

But I deserve someone who will stay.

Not someone who's gonna look me in the eye and whisper things this ear wants to hear.

Doesn't have to be the primary star of the football team.

Doesn't even have to be my oh-so-other half or McSomething.

Basically, doesn't have to be you.

I deserve someone who will just simply stay.

From January to December, today 'til forever."

I'm simply out of words.

nice.

2010-05-06T10:35:00.002+07:00

"I can always take care of myself, but i want to meet that one person who can prove it to me that I can't.",-

The quote above represents half of this pent-up feelings inside that I have been completely, utterly speechless about in the past few days. This, is exactly what I mean when I wrote "I'd like to have my hand held when I cross the street sometimes" in the earlier post.

No, it doesn't mean I'm whiny and clingy. And if yes, so what? You're the person I want to unload all my complaints to. You're the person I choose to listen to all my sad stories to, person I want to be hugged by, the person I want to take care of in return, you're the only person I choose to be clingy with. Ever think about it like that?

I didn't think so.

don't let your head get any bigger; please.

2010-05-02T14:16:00.004+07:00

You know how people always say there's a silver lining in every cloud ? Well the good thing from this whole breakup thing is that I get to do a number of things I almost wanted to do and never did before. It's nice to go out to places I never visited before and meet old friends and new people. All for the sake of a good time.

And seriously, I can't say this enough; you get to know who your real friends are. Even those who have been out of touch for years suddenly heard about the news and gave you a call, a text, a ping, asking what's wrong, how could it have happened, and then take you out for dinner. None of them wants me to stay alone in the house, nobody wants me to be miserable.

My newest hobby right now is just to gaze into nothingness and let my mind gradually slip away. I don't want to think about anything.

This dear good friend of mine -you know who you are- told me that 'sadness is a form of art' and that overcoming it will be an achievement. It's words and advises like that that keep me smiling. Even though I just got out of an almost-five-years relationship, I'm not alone; and with friends like that, I will never be. It gets the hardest at nights and on weekends, honestly, but I'll get through this. It is never easy at the beginning.

On a slightly separate note, I've been disappointed with some other thing. Let's just say, I think my point was right back then; that all banks are the same. Even the ones you thought were good, honest and trustworthy turns out to be dishonest and plainly disappointing. People just can't hold on to their words these days, sadly.

Oh, I also discovered something weird yesterday morning when I woke up; my journal! It was under my bed and I flipped through it and it was hilarious to see how dramatic I was in high school. But some of the entries made me smile because they brought back certain memories. I sat there and read those pages thinking, you have no idea what's gonna happen; if you did, you wouldn't write these stuff.

It's funny, really, how we saw that person back then and how we see them now. Funny how they change but remain the same, too. And how my perceptions towards them also shift, in a good way. Funny how we thought the people who were gonna leave at the beginning, turns out to be the ones who stay until today.

And vice versa.

I guess some people aren't meant to leave. And some aren't meant to stay. When the second one happens, the best thing to do is to sincerely let them go. And I do. Seriously. It was amazing while it lasted, but if that person suddenly changes and turns their back on you, let go. That's just one less person to deal with in this million-population world. Thanks for the memories.

And when they turn out to stay, always, by your side, even if you can't see them all the time, then be grateful. I have this one friend who I thought I've lost forever, a couple of times, in the past few years .It used to make me sad and upset at the thought of losing him and that it was 'the end', caused by many factors. But no. That friend always returns, in the most unexpected timing and ways. Return to remind you again about warmth and comfort and saying all the right words to make you laugh.

That's exactly the kind of people you have to keep in your life, no matter what.

Being 'alone' really makes you appreciate the little things, too. And it makes you somewhat more mature. Someone also told me, 'never be in denial. Be sad when you're sad and be happy when you're happy.' I'm currently in-between those two feelings. I keep being surprised and taken aback by the people who approached me these past few days, the ones who offer their shoulders for me to cry on. I never thought it would come from them; but then again, I like the feeling of being surprised.

Wow, writing really feels good. So I think from now on I'm gonna focus on only one person that matters the most: me. I will do things that make me happy. As long as it doesn't cause anybody harm, it's fine, right? I bowed down for so many years that now it's time to finally stand up and get the recognition I deserve. Culinary lessons? Italian language course? Traditional dance practices? Sign me up. The busier I get, the better. I might not have my hand held throughout the process anymore, but I'll live. I might have lost my spirit-booster, but, again, I'll live.

I've had enough dealing with the wrong people and issues in the past; from now on, I'll just deal with those who really matter. Hey-funny thing; it was raining hard when I started writing this post, and now that I'm almost done, it's sunny again out there. Haha. A sign?

Wait; speaking of signs, I'm starting to not believe in them anymore. I used to smile to myself thinking about "signs" but maybe it's all just a load of unnecessary coincidences. Who knows? From now on, I will not read too much into something, in order not to wake up this monster called Insecurity sleeping inside. Why think about something that doesn't involve you anymore?

This must be one of the longest blog post I've ever written; but who cares? I feel relieved. Writing feels good. Words are flying left and right with no barriers; I like it.

Have a good Sunday everyone, I hope Monday and the rest of next week will bring happiness and smiles to our faces.

It's never easy when something has to end.

2010-04-26T10:25:00.002+07:00

Four years; what's that, 1000 days? More?

It would be stupid for you to ask me how I feel; this is surreal. I can't remember the last time I was not with someone in my daily life.

You know how companies give out standby statements, deliver key messages, and so forth in communications world? I need those. I need to prepare some kind of a standby statement so people will stop asking "what's wrong"?

And lucky me, I have these super friends who are doing just that. Spreading the news quietly so I don't have to deal.

In the past few weeks I was a wreck, asking left and right whther I should do this. I think some of my friends see something that I don't. But in a way, I also see something they don't.

That this is for the best, for both of us.

At first I thought, "God please I hope I'm not making a mistake." But in the past two days I've come to think, "Even if I did make a mistake, so what?" Without making mistakes, you will never learn.

So, I guess this is it.

I can't write any more than this; not yet.

Be good. =)

the perishers- pills

2010-04-16T14:09:00.004+07:00

It started as a small pile that nobody couldn't care less about, but it piled up and up and up to a huge, overwhelming mountain. That's what you get when you ignore small things.

You thought it won't matter, but it did. It does. And now you're stuck and have no idea how to melt that mountain, how to move or at least push it a bit. It's too late. You've been swallowing sands for the past years and now suddenly you want to throw it all up.

See how dangerous it is when you try to hold back?

But being you, you're willing to give a second chance. Or third. Or fourth. Or two millionth. Please, don't screw up this time. Any little mistake will make you turn your back and walk away from the mountain without even trying.

You believe that everyone's good inside. That they want the best for you, that's all. But sometimes they're doing it all wrong. They twist and turn and eventually forget what they were about to do in the first place instead.

I don't know what i've been feeling these past few days. Not sadness but not happiness either; somewhere in-between. I never felt this before. Like something's tugging at your chest but you don't know what. Something bad is hanging in the air but you dont know what. I dont like second-guessing. Something smells fake.

I should've said something, from day One. From the second I smell the smoke, before I detect the fire. From the second I felt something was not right, back those few years ago, I should have said something.

Yet I nodded and smiled and pretended (wished?) that I was okay. That everything is under control. That everything is gonna be all right til the end.

Nobody warned me that you must sacrifice yourself and your feelings to THIS point when you're in a relationship.

It turns out that even my (few) best friends can tell what's going on from the beginning.

I guess I didn't listen to them because I didn't want to be proven wrong. But the vision is getting clearer and now, again, I'm stuck. Too late.

Are there such things as "too late"?

"I care about this, about us, about you. More than anyone else."

I really do.

But apparently it IS stupid to wish that people can read your mind and do exactly what you want without you telling them. A person like that is impossible to find.

So. Two millionth chance, anyone..?

"detail and measurable things"

2010-04-13T18:43:00.002+07:00

Learning to let go. Of things, of people, of used items , of feelings.

If I could say one thing, is that I'm sick listening to other people. You don't get to live my life on a daily basis; I do.

dead end

2010-04-10T14:23:00.004+07:00

It's really annoying when you want to do something and scream out something...but you don't have the rights to.

You can't tell your friend to pick another sweater color for her dog because it's not your dog. You can't tell your neighbor to grow a rose instead of lilies because it's not your garden. You simply don't have the rights. They will look down at you and think you're crazy instead. You can't force them to keep growing roses for the rest of their lives, or at least until you move out of the neighborhood. What are you going to say to them? "Please keep growing roses while I'm still here, but you can do whatever you want when I'm gone" ?

But then how long will they have to wait?

And who says they have to wait, anyway?

How many times can a person be selfish in one lifetime ?

So let them go; if they want to grow lilies instead, let them. You're nobody; you're just a neighbor. You don't get a say in this. You don't have the right to voice your opinion, no matter how much it is disturbing you.

Especially since you still have no idea when you're gonna move out of that neighborhood.

warningsign

2010-04-07T12:29:00.005+07:00

I know I'm a communications major, but when it comes to personal, I screw up. Words are just flying out of my mouth with no warning and it takes me, what, five full minutes just to deliver what I really mean. Which is why I tend to use examples instead. Weird ones.

OK so here's the case.

I don't like the word 'traumatic'. It screams regret, pain, sadness, and all the bad stuff. I don't like bad stuff. So I don't know how to sum up this issue without having to develop it in another case example.

Imagine a good day.

Great, sunny, incredible day with blue skies and little kids playing and smiles on everyone's faces. You wake up, with a gut instinct that it's gonna be a good day indeed, that everything will finally go according to plan. That your deepest wishes are about to come true.

You put on your best white shirt and leave the house, singing all the way, smiling to everyone passing you by. You stop at a street cart and bought a yummy strawberry ice cream in a cone. You are heading to the bank to withdraw money, all of it, because you wanna buy a house. You've been planning to buy it since you saw it five years ago. It costs US3000 (ssht, this is just an example) and now you finally have US3100 in the bank, and you don't care that you're almost spending all of it because you've been waiting for this for as long as you can remember.

You step into the bank, greeted warmly by the old man, the guard officer. He kindly directed you where to take a number and wait in the lounge. You sit down, still smiling, still happy, with your leg bouncing. You finally get your turn and receive your US3100 with a huge grin on your face. You even shake the teller's hand and wish her a good day. You turn around, money envelope in hand, thinking what color of wallpaper will match the kitchen in your new house.

And then, you get robbed.

And then, three masked gunmen burst into the bank and held a gun to your face.

In less than five minutes, all your dreams in the past five years vanish.

It happened in such a quick motion, so unexpected, so unpredictable, so shocking that it gives you the most unimaginable pain. Not physical; worse. You are physically completely fine, the gunmen didn't hurt you, but it took away a small part that means the world to you. That goes far beyond 'just cash'. That cash was, in some way, was your future.

So you spend the rest of your life trying not to relish that experience, right? You become so careful in every small thing you do, so closed off, so hesitant because you're traumatic. Because you're so damn scared that it's gonna happen to you again. You only need that kind of experience on in your lfietime, thanks.

What's worse is, you start to lose trust in all banks--not only that particular one where you got robbed.

You become negative, pessimistic on ALL banks, certain that you're just gonna get robbed there anyway, so what's the point of trusting? What's the point of storing your savings if you're just gonna lose it in the end anyway?

What's worse is, not only you lose trust in all banks and you don't wanna save anymore, you also become so fearful and cautious. You can't even bear to put on that white shirt you wore on 'the day'. You don't want any reminders of that particular day.

Long story short, if you bump into any sign, any indication, any reminder of that day, you freak out.

No matter how happy your mood is, when you suddenly see smilar signs of what happened in that day, if you suddenly pass that nice old guard officer, your stomach takes a deep plunge and you become quiet again. 'The day' suddenly haunts you again, shutting you up and out from the outside world. Any reminder of that day scares the hell out of you. You're suddenly scared of sunshine because there was sun on that day. Scared of buying strawberry ice cream because you bought strawberry ice cream on that day.

You know what happens next? You spend the rest of your life trying your best to stay the hell away from the memory of the incident and trying your best to prevent it from happening again; no matter what it takes.

You know what happens next? Even the smallest incident that reminds you of it, hurts. You build up your walls to avoid disappointment.

Goodbye, trust. Welcome, insecurity.

Do you wanna know the scariest part of it all ? It's when the walls are slowly down again. When you start trusting again. When you take a deep breath and start putting on that white shirt again.

Because when you're prepared to start trusting someone, there's always a chance it's gonna be shattered to pieces anytime without warning.

"YOU need to be bold, need to jump in the cold."

2010-04-06T09:40:00.003+07:00

I know I want to write a lot of things but I can't.

I'm trying this new method called 'bottling up'. In a way, I have to start holding myself back for the greater sake of everyone else.

Everyone else but me, that is.

Anyway, if you've been reading my blog, you notice that I once put my dream wedding details, right? How I've put Van Morrisson's Someone Like You as the dream song? Well I have another song option now which I think will make the perfect song for the big day.

They Bring Me To You - Joshua Radin

You looked like the sun
I was the only one who could stare until you were done shining on me
and as we drank our wine and let the world fade away
the sunrise tried to end it while we tried to stay.

The rest of my life can't compare to this night
and only the heartaches have given me sight,
they bring me to you, they bring me to you.

Moon pours through the ceiling tonight embraces us tight
shows me we're right for each other and as we lie here
and let the world fade away
the sunrise tries to end it while we try to stay.

The rest of my life can't compare to this night
and only the heartaches have given me sight,
they bring me to you, they bring me to you, they bring me to you, they bring me to you.

It's all about the first night and last, some people say
well I love you so much more tonight, more than yesterday.

The rest of my life can't compare to this night
and only the heartaches have given me sight,
they bring me to you, they bring me to you, they bring me to you, they bring me to you.

Seriously, are you kidding me? To have a guy sing their hearts out for you with those lyrics? I really like reading each and every one of the words; I think it's beautiful.

So, there you go. What's your perfect song for your big day ?

a different topic

2010-04-04T11:51:00.002+07:00

hai :)

It's Sunday and I don't know what to do and it's only 12 p.m. Yes I get bored easily. I've eaten, watched TV, played with dog, played the internet, and then I realized hey, why not update my blog with another useless/random post?

If you're one of those people who loathes astrology, you'd better stop reading this. Because sometimes I'm drawn to them and I can't stop reading them once I start; it's like watching a car accident. But I don't read the daily stuff, like whether I'm gonna have luck or slip on a wet floor and fall flat on my face or get hit by a bus or something; I also don't care about compatibility match. I just read my start sign profile and what a person in my sign is really like.

I really am not good with words.

So from zodiacfacts's blog, I compiled some stuff:

#Leo : What leo needs is a partner who can tolerate the shows of ego and see through them for what they are : an attempt to let the world know that leo's love is available- all a person needs to do to get it is just say thank you.

(Let's seeee. I do feel bothered when someone fails to say thank you. Is it petty? Selfish? Annoying? Yes, well, that's what makes us human. I bet you regret being friends with me, huh.)

They are the life of any relationship, and a courtship with them will rarely prove dull. They need to be lavished with attention, but can also do that in return. They need lovers who can keep up with them and match there wits. If boredom creeps into the relationship, they look for greener pastures. Also they need a partner who can understand their needs and give them the attention they need.

(SEE !!! I DO get bored easily! So this is one of my traits. Nice. And then I got another one from here)

Leo woman will dominate, but not completely for she still needs the man to lead the way and give her the desired sense of approval, she looks up to her man. Leo woman is perfect for the man who is affectionate and has a strong character but not too controlling. She needs someone who is passionate about everything in their life and who strives for the best in everything, because so does she. Do not look at other women when you are with her, she has to be the only one in your eyes. The thought of competition with other women completely turns her off. The secret of the Leo is that they need to be needed.

(Ridiculous as it is, there's no better paragraph to sum up the characters like the one above. And I particularly like the very last sentence; I don't know why.)

Be funny, Leos love to be entertained and they love to laugh. If you can make them laugh, you're good! Leos like the grand things in life, treat them to a lavish dinner or a cultural upscale event.

(These are two contradicting sentences for me. While the first is absolutely undoubtedly true, the last sentence isn't really the same. I do like the grand things in life, but I also like ALL types of dinner since my most favorite exercise is chewing. But then again I do love cultural events !)

And this one says:

Leos are usually very generous and helpful. They love to spoil friends, family and romantic partners, buying extravagant gifts or blowing their money on a good time. Most are excellent cooks, and they enjoy feeding others.They are quite experimental with cooking and will try unusual food and new recipes. Many look a bit like lions, with smooth cheekbones, large faces, thick wavy hair and catlike eyes. Leo popularity is enhanced by a tendency to share time, energy, money and affection with others. All they require in return is to receive a larger share of affection than the average person. Leos are usually quite soft-hearted and have a particular fondness for children and animals.

(AGREED ! Well I hope I *will be* an excellent cook; that's still yet to be proven. But the other stuff--fondness for kids and animals, loves affections, etc--they're absolutely true. And oh I hope I don't physically look like a lion though :s)

Typical Leos are very helpful and generous to their friends, lovers, and family members, and also very protective. They won't tolerate others badmouthing those they care about, and they're willing to fight about it. However, Leos also have a tendency to be domineering due to a natural inclination for leadership. This can lead to friction when dating strong, independent-minded individuals, though these are exactly the sort of people that Leos tend to be drawn to.

Typical Leos are loyal and romantic. When they fall in love, they fall heavily. A betrayed Leo will not easily get over the hurt. The wounds run deep. When they do forgive, they usually forgive completely, however. Like all the fire signs, they are quick to anger and quick to get over it. Hurt a Leo woman's pride and she roars like a lioness. Still, they don’t like being lied to or deceived and it will take them a long time, if ever, to forgive

(Hm.)

Leo-moon people like to be the center of attention. They require a higher-than-average level of appreciation from those around them in order to feel secure, but most earn this by being generous and helpful.

And, the Leo will take care of matters in the home. To go out and make a living is not so distant for a Leo to think about. In fact, careers and professions are usually very important to a Leo. And, they like being in charge. They like being the supervisors, the leaders within their own business. They don't really care to follow in the back seat of anyone else. Leos pioneer new directions.

(Okay, they're making it sound like I should join the military or something. Yes, I love to lead. But most times, I'd love to be led as well. To have my hand held when I cross the street. To sit back for once and let the other person take a good care of my needs.

ANYWAY.

Let's get back to topic.)

So basically all these star sign stuff are saying all the same things. Interesting.

The weather is so extremely hot, I want ice cream !!!! I don't know why Ben and Jerry's doesn't have a store here in my town. Don't they know people are willing to line up the block just to get a taste of their Chunky Monkey?

And by 'people', I mean me.

I'll post later.

a loss.

2010-03-27T14:39:00.002+07:00

Before I get into anything else, I just want to express my deepest condolences to Mas Bangun's family for the passing of his father this morning due to stroke.

While I only met him a few times, I know he was a stand up guy, an intelligent and full-of-humor father and businessman who loved his big family so much. He already considered my sister as his daughter which is why she is currently a big mess right now.

But seeing his personality, I know that at least thousands of people are praying for him right now to appreciate everything and that he has touched a lot of lives during his good years, and that he must be in a much better place right now.

So I bid you farewell Om Adjie, too bad we did not get the chance to know each other further but it was an honor of mine to have known a man like you. You have left well-mannered and amazing sons and daughter and that is why we are all praying for you up there.

take me out of this town

2010-03-23T11:23:00.001+07:00

"I was crazy when I said I could do this. And even more delusional when I said I'm fine."

you shouldn't read this.

2010-03-20T22:45:00.002+07:00

Is it possible that one simple sentence could ruin your day ?

Can a person really laugh out loud one day and fall completely and utterly silent the next day ?

I hear the sound of something breaking but it's too distant and too vague that I can't recall what it is.

I don't want you to understand this. Please don't read this again, ever. Leave your marks on the doorstep and just let it be. I can't quite put my finger on this but this feeling is highly unsettling. I never expected this to happen; yet somehow i knew this would happen.

The more I read it, the more I understand.

We will never be able to talk about this, I know. Not with the blocks of defensive walls surrounding you. But I would really appreciate if you would just slip a note under the door before you turn around and let the door close behind you.

Selfish, greedy, careless about other people's feelings; those are not her usual characteristics. But people are bound to slip sometimes. And while some people tend to bottle up their feelings, I can't. If I were a bottle, the list of ingredients wouldn't fill the paper. I have too much going on in my head. One particular thought has been staying there for weeks and it just told me that it's not going anywhere.

This is serious, isn't it?

Again, I don't know how to contain what I feel. I'm usually very open and direct and I blurt out every single thing I feel. I shout joyfully when I'm happy and I frown when I'm sad. I can't hide feelings. I don't know how.

But maybe, just maybe, this time I have to clam up and quiet down and zip my lips. For once.

There's always a first time for everything.

So, thanks.

I don't know why you fill my head.

catching me off guard

2010-03-10T17:07:00.005+07:00

Relieved, free, letting out final sighs of happiness and pleasure.

I am all smiles again.

The burden's been lifted, a burden I didn't even know I had until it was taken off of my shoulders, which makes it even more relieving. All of the question marks, the queasiness, the worrying, the tiredness have all vanished into thin air ALL at the SAME TIME, slowly turning that question mark into a "=" and a ")".

It is true after all, that you need an extra fresh ice-cold water to be thrown into your face to realize that you've been living in a destructive heat all this time. You are now able to see things in a clearer view, put on a bigger and more sincere smile, stand up tall and straight and finally head to the direction you've been meaning to walk toward to.

"Thank you, for all the negativity you caused, because now I can see nothing but great positivity laying ahead." -

If you don't know me, you probably don't know what I'm talking about.

If you do know me, stop your train of thoughts--no, this is not about "that". This is something new, something incredibly brand new that is so surprising that just smacks me right in the face and wakes me up out of the long,incredibly LONG sleep I've been caught in the middle of.

If you really, really, really know me, without a doubt, you know what I'm talking about.

I kind of hope you don't, though. I like writing in metaphors and intrigues and mysteries that nobody could guess.

By the way, in a much more random note, I wanna go back to Bangkok with my bestfriends. I'm currently seeing our tri photos on facebook now and I'm smiling and grinning to myself just by looking at those.

a moment to think about

2010-03-07T20:44:00.002+07:00

Jim Carrey's Yes Man is playing on StarMovies and surprisingly it doesn't lift up my mood.

There were a few (small) events today that did not match my expectations and thus making me feel like I need distractions; I wanna get out for some quick ice cream. Some Cold Stone cheesecake ice cream with biscuit crumbs that will bring a well-deserved smile on my face. I don't know what's wrong exactly, though, I just felt something unsettling but I can't figure out what. This is driving me crazy.

Maybe it's because I had a two-day intensive office training that wore me out; but I had fun, surprisingly. It wasnt what i had in mind. So maybe the key here is to just smile and nod along with no expectation stamped on your forehead.

I had a good dinner with my friends on Friday night.

I think Jim Carrey is getting old, physically.

Now I'm just throwing out random stuff. Sometimes I wonder whether I am heading to the right direction. Everything-wise. But I guess that's part of the excitement, right? That intense feeling of not knowing whether you'll come on top or hit the wall ? I used to love that! Even though i hate uncertainty, i do love excitement.

Right. Before I bore you to tears, I'd better stop this now. I will post a much more meaningful stuff later on, I promise.

seven deadly sins

2010-02-27T10:04:00.004+07:00

What are those, again ? The seven deadly sins? Lust, Envy, Greed...I should have googled it first but I'm too lazy. So there you have it.

I think Hypocrisy (Hypocricy?) should be included as well. I'm scared of that word recently.

I'm scared of a lot of things recently. I'm scared of being left in the dark, of being kept in the harsh light, of being lied to, of lying, of being disappointed,....and to disappoint. Scared of knowing things I shouldn't have known about, of feelings I should not be familiar with, scared to forgot, scared to be forgotten, scared to leave footprints, scared to be left with other's footprints. I'm scared of smiling.

I'm scared of being scared all the time- for once I don't want to be careful in every tiny thing I do, I want to let go, I want to scream the most offensive language known to mankind but I know I can't. Not because I'm not allowed to but because I don't have that kind of bone in me. I don't want to think about other people's feelings all the time but I know I can't.

Heck, I get upset just seeing a forgotten pair of rusty children shoe lying motionless in the middle of the street. I can't kill flies. I can't stand not apologizing every minute of the day. Well not literally.

So yeah I don't know if it has anything to do with hypocrisy, or...guilt instead.

I'll post later.

The second, and final, part of my treasured trip

2010-02-16T14:32:00.003+07:00

Okay, I know I planned to create a day-by-day, illustrated postings on my Bangkok trip. But if you're really close with me, you know how my mind changes as often as....I don't know. Just very often.

I'm not good with words.

In a nutshell, the trip lasted six days and one-day transit in KL. Yes, we visited the temples, the Chaopraya river, all the cheap night bazaars, ate mango sticky rice, bought fake Havianas, stayed in Khao San Road where all the tourists and backpackers blended in, almost went broke due to CIMB Niaga's stupidity to NOT be connected with their Thailand branches, made friends with Morrocan and American backpackers, sang 'The Scientist' out loud with hundred other backpackers in Khao San, went to the zoo, played with a baby elephant, got lost in a secluded village, interacted with Thai people with words that didnt have any meaning, took pictures with cafe musicians, rushed my friend to the hospital due to a minor accident,...

You know, the usual stuff you do when you go abroad.

I don't know if you read this, you three crazy ladies, but you are by far my best travel partners and I cannot thank you enough for the week-full laughter we shared. I know that anyone can go to Bangkok. Anyone can also go to there with their best friends; it's not a huge deal. But to go with three bestfriends with so many different personalities that never fails to crack me up until my stomach literally hurts and with the list of 'normal' activities I stated earlier, I know that this trip was one of a kind. At least for me.

(We did it, you guys, we really did get on that plane after all !!!! I still get misty everytime I look at our pictures. LET'S DO IT AGAIN! =P)

Day I, 24 Jan 2010

2010-02-08T14:24:00.004+07:00

Okay so before I start this holiday/trip journal, let me explain to you that I did this insane week-long trip with my three bestfriends: Tantya, Nadya and Icha. I've known all of them since mid school except Icha, with whom I became inseparable with in high school. Despite our differences, we were all exactly alike: we like good laughter, mocking weird people, we like to travel, we were moody, we spoke whatever comes into our mind and we never get offended by it.

Which made them perfect for this budget trip.

Our flight to KL was at 6.30 am on Sunday, which was why I and Icha arrived at Soekarno-Hatta Airport at such an ungodly hour of five-thirty. And even by then, we were too late.

We were the last ones to check in, the Air Asia officer was screaming in our ears to hurry our butts up, the check-in lady was panicking as well, we haven't handled our fiscal/tax matters and that's not even the worst of it: my two other beloved friends hadn't arrived yet.

So witht he clock ticking, the gate closing and the man screaming, the four of us finally got together and ran --and I mean RAN-- here and there, left and right in the spacious airport, whizzing past people and officers with our passports and boarding passes in hand, dragging out suitcases and wishing like hell that the plane hadn't left without us.

It almost did, though. Add that with me being held back by the immigration officer as I forgot to fill in the card.

It took us a while to get strapped in our plane seatbelts, we looked sideways at eah other and at our tousled hair and frantic face and we laughed our butts off. Finally we were off for our very first holiday together !!! Until today, I cannot even begin to tell you how it felt when we touched down in Bangkok's Suvarnabhumi Int'l Airport.

(No need to tell you how we waited in KL's LCCT terminal for five hours -ish, reading and eating and drinking whatever was around su as we were so bored. I even suggested to Tantya to play Amazing Race.)

We landed at around 6 p.m. Bangkok time and as agreed, we got picked up by Residence Rajtaevee Hotel's mini-van taxi. First imrpesison : Hello Thailand, Goodbye English. Forever.

We cruised down the highways pointing out buildings and brands we were familiar of and finally arrived in the hotel 45 minutes later, all knackered but roaring to explore. We checked in our family suite (two-bedroom with ktichen and living room: each Rp. 675,000 for three freakin nights) and decided to check out the superhuge Siam Paragon Mal, just a minute away from us.

Of cours,e being tourists and all, we decided to use the hotel's golf cart service that took us straight to the mall's entry :D It was already eight or nine-ish so we just wolfed down dinner at the basement foodcourt which was a lot like Senayan City's but much much bigger. And the desserts, don't even ask. I had drools all over them! I'll post pictures later!

After roaming the humongous mall (it includes Siam Discovery World and an IMAX cinema that's supposed to be the biggest cinema in town) we arrived back at the hotel at 10.45 p.m.. We'd also stacke dup on 7/11 located just in the corner of our hotel so we happily munched on chips and milk while soaking our tired feet in the bath tub, reminiscing today's insane hectic-ness.

We could't believe that we got there already, to freakin' Bangkok, couldn't believe that this plan that we've developed since 2009 has finally, finally, Thank God, come true.

That night we were exhausted but we still managed to laugh about silly nothingness-and fell asleep with a smile on our face.

!!!

2010-02-01T18:11:00.001+07:00

I will soon post the details of the best trip I've ever had in my life.

Soon. Very soon.

Still knackered and too much in joy. Sigh. I never want to go back here and face reality. Dramatic, but true. I love foreign countries.

Details soon.

a routine that KILLS.

2010-01-18T15:30:00.003+07:00

If she didn't swerve right to avoid the lady with a stroller, she would hit the beggar on the street.

If she ran the red light and marched straight instead, she would hit a fruit kiosk.

If she backed up her car a little, the VW behind her would honk angrily.

If she used her brother's motorbike to avoid getting into a car in the first place, her brother would be pissed.

If she decided to walk on foot, endless lines of vehicles will screech to a halt and honk in frustration as it is a highway.

If she decided not to get out of the house at all, she will not get any of her tasks done.

Even if she parked her car safely in front of the supermarket, looked left and right to see if she'd hurt somebody, and entered the market with a huge relief of breath, the car turns out to be blocking an ambulance carrying a woman in labor, trying to get by.

Another disappointed person, another day to live by.

The way she sees it, there are only two options left. The first one is to let out the emotions she's been holding for the past 100 years and breathe fire into the small, unimportant, ruthless, heartless, selfish people who had underestimated her all her life. Crash their cars, their soul, their minds. She had to turn right to avoid an old man walking with a stick--so what? Screw little ms.goody two shoes. She slammed the wheel right and smiled.

Oops, there's a pair of young couples walking hand in hand and too in love to see that a car was heading their way-not my fault, the woman shrugs. Another cry for help, another satisfied smile. She lit up a gas station just because SHE COULD. She throws rocks and stones to an elementary school just. because.she. could. Because she's had it with people walking all over her.

At least it's better than the other option. Which is trying to please everyone. Which is smiling and nodding solemnly and saying "I'm Fine" so often that it became a mantra for her. Which is agreeing with everyone's opinions while she wants to scream inside. Which is letting everyone walk all over her.

Letting someone walk all over you will eventually kill you, literally.

2010-01-18T15:25:00.001+07:00

It stings, you don't know how much it stings but it does.

I hope you will never get to relish this feeling.

hi.

2010-01-06T17:56:00.000+07:00

I don't know what goodbye means in English.

we'll dine on city lights

2009-12-23T10:30:00.010+07:00

I have too many things I want to write in here, since it's been ages !! But first off, let's plan our wedding day.

Yes, I am that random. Sometimes.

Okay so everyone must have their own dream day wedding. If not, you are one very pathetic human being with extreme lack of imagination.

I don't care how weird it is, how out-of -this-world (outer space ceremony, anyone?) or how tacky it is, I appreciate your ideas. There's no rules on this. No budget limits. No place too far. I salute you for daring to dream big. Well this is very Dr Phil, so let's just cut to the chase.

Let's start with me. I want a double wedding.

First is a private, intimate wedding in a remote island (Or Greece. Italy. A secluded island. I will just keep it to myself, you nosy rat.) Anyway. I will fly my family and closest friends into the island, all accomodations paid for (thats right, you'd better start sucking up to me from now to get a ticket.) It will just be a plain and simple ceremony and still traditional and everything. It will only last a day and then we'll fly back to Jakarta.

To ensure that all my friends and relatives will come, I'll just do the second on in this big ol' city. This is gonna be a huge one (not with gold decoration or anything Liberace, dont worry) but I want traditional dances and musical performance to be there. That's what I mean with huge and grand. I want it to be a festivity. Doesn't have to be in the city's top high-rise building (I've gotten incredibly poor due to that first wedding ceremony, remember?) but I want everyone to enjoy it, to be pleased, to have a good time. I love playing host. And I think it's not asking too much that I want all my beloved guests to have the time of their life in my most important event of all to host =)

All the foods will be cooked by my mom or her helpers. Authentic Indonesian cuisines, of course, but with International desserts bar. Of course. And I know I won't have the first-dance tradition, but I want the singer to croon Van Morisson's Someone Like You all night long. You'll see why.

So here's a glimpse into my future:

By 27/28, I will have achieved eighty percent of what I've always dreamed of. I will be in New York, working in a top restaurant whilst taking culinary lessons. It is my second year in the city and I plan to go back to my home town for the first time ever, and for good, but not before my little trip with him. We plan to steal a quick holiday to....Hong Kong ? Singapore ? (It could even be Bandung, I don't care. just not in Jakarta yet. Let's just call it nameless.) He will visit me in NY first and we'll get to watch a cool concert first (The Strokes? Julian? Joshua Radin?) and then we'll fly home together.

In that nameless city, he will take me out for a casual dinner one night. We will chat about our lives, about what's been going on since I left, about how much I miss him and everything.

And then, out of the blue, he will propose.

I like the feeling of being so surprised and so in pleasure that I will have no words to describe. When I look at the ring, I'll smile. Not because it's embedded with gold and diamond, but because I once mentioned it to him that I like the type. It's simple, it's round, it's a ring. That;s it. But being a good guy, he always, always remembers what I like even though I said it a million light years ago.

Which is why I'll say yes.

And during his proposal, somehow, somewhere, we listen to Van Morrison's Someone Like You playing beautifully be it in the stereo or onstage. I don't quite know my obsession with that song, but I like the classical melody, the words fit, the voice soothing--it's a classic old song. And I will finally have that song dedicated to me, after all these years. Just by looking at him I'll know that he means it and we're going to do this and I'm the happiest girl alive and we're going to do this, this magical once-in-a-lifetime ceremony that every girl has been waiting for since the first time she laid her eyes on a wedding gown.

And then, afterwards, we'll have our own children, a set of boy-and-girl twins,with the cutest huge eyes and happy grins. I will take good care of them, I will love them like nobody else, I'll watch them grow, I'll stay at home while he works, but every weekend we'll have the family time to ourselves. When the children have grown up, I'll start working again and might even open a restaurant on my own, since I learned so much about it in NY. Friday will be my date time with him, our relaxing time to hang out with friends, catch dinner and movies, while Saturday and Sunday are officially declared as family time with the kids.

Okayyyy, time to snap back to reality.

In reality, I am stuck in my office, with a bad stomach-ache and therefore having trouble concentrating on work and writing this instead. In reality, I'm saving every penny, seeking for every opportunity for any possible chance that I might have a ticket out of here. Literally.

If you know me well, please come up to me in my wedding day and tell me to look up this blog. Whether any of my goals and dreams came true. Whether I'll get on that plane after all.

And be good. Who knows, maybe someday you'll receive an invitation to Maui for a private wedding on your doorstep one day. Or Greece. Or Carribean.

and it rambles on while she covers her ears

2009-11-13T19:26:00.008+07:00

Why do you choose the big bad wolf amongst a hundred pristine white sheeps?

Why do you feel guiltier killing a hopeless mice trapped with no power to do anything instead of killing a Labrador that bit your leg?

Why do you fall over and over to the same hole again even though a huge Caution board is right there near your feet?

Why do you hang your hopes up in the oak tree when you know it's gonna shake and rumble to the ground?

Why do you spell out your expectations in the night skies when you know it's just gonna be morning again in a few hours?

Why do you limit other people's dreams and hopes when you know it might as well be the cruelest thing for a human being to do?

Why do you smile while your insides freeze?

Why do you go out of your way to please the wrong people while the right ones quietly slip out the exit door?

Why do you need so much signs to tell you something you've secretly known throughout your whole life?

Why do you hesitate in doing something when you know it's gonna cause you an incredible state of regret in the end?

Why do you not hear me when I silently shout out to you?

Why do you refuse to admit that reading this post has caused your heart to flinch because you know some of it it happened to you?

i know i'm in the mood to write

2009-11-01T18:12:00.003+07:00

So it's no surprise that I moonlight as a shrink to my friends, right. They consider me as a 24-hour listener and advisor with a million ears to lend.

Which is fine by me; I enjoy that.

I suddenly remember a certain case where one of my close friends sat me down to talk about a particular topic. She has this...I don't know what you call it; an endless fling? They went out once but broke up but still maintain good friends now. Like, really good friends. I know them both well since we all hang out together but the guy's older than us.

My friend told me how she recently had a serious talk with the guy about the future and they ended up making a promise: if by the time she turns 30 they aren't seeing anyone, they'll get married. Kinda like Chandler and Monica in an old episode Friends, where he said "If you won't be married by 30, what do you say we live together?" and she responded, "Why wouldn't I be married by the time I'm 30?"
And Chandler replied "No...I meant hypothetically...", to which she said, "Okay, well, hypothetically, why wouldn't I be married by the time I'm 30?"

Or something like that. It always made me laugh.

Well anyways.

This friend of mine was kind of ecstatic about her and her guy's decision--because I could tell they still feel something so strongly about each other. But I did not fully share her excitement.

What do you think?

When a guy proposes that to you, should you feel flattered or offended? In a way, yes,you feel relieved. The guy you really care about has no plan to abandon you, not even in the future. No matter what happens, you will never be living a lonely life surrounded by forty cats. No mattr how hard you screw up,someone's gonna be there to take care of you. That must be a very nice feeling indeed.

But in a way, Monica was right. Why wouldn't you be married by the time you're 30? Are you so undesirable that you repel man from marrying you?

And more importantly, there's another factor to consider: what if you found someone better than that guy and you end up marrying him? Even worse, what if HE found someone and break that promise to you?

In that case, start visiting the pet stores to look for cats.

I think this is an interesting matter, no? You, who are reading this, whoever you are, have you ever been in this situation?

You don't have to post a comment- I probably don't even know you. Maybe you're just stumbling into this blog by accident.

But I really wanna know. I ended up not giving advises to that friend of mine; thankfully, she wasn't expecting any. She just needed to unload.

It's funny how much we expect from the opposite sex but at the same time we don't expect anything from them either, huh?

Looking to be lost?

2009-10-18T02:41:00.001+07:00

This life is a freakin chain. Its all about the six degrees of sombody
or other. Don't believe me? Well here goes.
A is completely happy with B, who sometimes still thinks of C, who's
currently in a blissful state with D, who still wishes to taste what's
its like to be in relationship with E,who still thinks about his ex F,
who still dreams about HER ex G, who's married to H and still sneaking
lunches with I.

Seriously, from A to G, it really is a true story; kind of.
I've been everyones ears long enough to detect a major soap opera
going on in their life. But it is. Its a chain.

And the worst thing is, we don't know when or where its gonna stop. I
just hope it won't reach Z.

So I want you to remember this: everytime you fall flat on your face
with no hope and passion whatsoever,remember that there's always
someone who will rush to your side to soothe you, to stroke your back,
to calm you down, to tell you its okay and that you'll get the love of
your life but inside screaming hey I WANT to be that person, to smile
and nod and wipe your tears while gritting their teeth- whether you
realize it or not.

Which,most of the times, you don't.

But the lowest kind of the low is if you try to take advantage to that
person. It actually hurts B everytime C declares her love for D. And
it goes on and on and on.

Life's a freaking mess of chain.

--
Sent from my mobile device

Let's try this

2009-10-17T00:40:00.001+07:00

Let's see what happens when I blog from my phone.
I hope I'll be able to see this :s

So. Not that anyone still reads this blog, but how's everyone doing?
I'm curled under the blanket in my cold room alone, enjoying the
perfection of it all.

I miss my own boyfriend. I don't know why I never wrote much about
him, btw. I doubt he'll read this,but still.

You know what happens when you try to blog sleepily from your phone
and just feel like letting it out? Random stuff happens. Random
thoughts flow as my fingers typed freely on the keypads.

I hate changes. In a way, I do.

Hey before I ramble on and on and will kick my self due to failed
mobile blogging attempt, let me check if this appears in the blog for
real. See you in a teeny bit.

--
Sent from my mobile device

a smile and a wave

2009-10-11T16:32:00.002+07:00

I'm back!

I'm sorry i've been so ignorant to you, blog. I just got accepted back at B-M last week so things have just kinda flown in a flurry.

I hope everyone's doing fine.

Anyways. Quick recap; nothing much has changed. I still want a ticket out of here. I still want my NY and SF. I wanna turn 25 and be able to say "I've done it all", you know? I wanna tell my kids one day how their mom just conquered all her fears and pakced up to see what the world had to offer. [cue music: Celine Dion.]

I gotta go eat in a minute, but please bear in mind that I've made my comeback and therefore you should not forget to visit this owl-y blog. The weather's been kinda crazy, by the way. And my dog looks so clean.

Enough random thoughts.

See ya! Promise I'll be back so o o o n.

your own definition of perfection

2009-09-07T23:12:00.002+07:00

Everyone has their dream man/woman. The capabilities, physical attributes, and so forth.
Well, it's almost midnight and I'm completely awake with nothing to do, so here's mine.

I like tall guys. Not lanky, and not exactly Homer's twin either. Which leads me to another category-I like guys who are good at sports. Doesn't matter what, but soccer is preferred. I like guys who know how to dress appropriately and can match themselves to what I'm wearing ( no, not color-wise, don't worry. What I mean is, if I wear my best skirt or something I wouldn't want him to appear on my doorstep in cargo shorts.)

I like it if he wears polo shirts. And a T-shirt underneath. Dunno why :) And battered jeans with sneakers. I hate baggy clothing on him. He has to smell good, but no tacky cologne. He has to smell like he's just taken a shower. And he has to be clean. If he doesn't smoke, good. If he does, great. If he prays 5 times a day, I'm the luckiest girl on earth.

He has to make me laugh all the time; he has to be intelligent. Guys with little knowledge turn me off, no matter how goodlooking. He has to have good taste in music and movies. He has to get along with my family and friends, seriously. He has to know where Honduras is in the map and who Jack Kerouac is. He has to accept, and support, my reading and cooking hobbies and my dream to study abroad. Better yet, he has to share my reading hobbies, too. He has to like going out, too; even if it's only for movies or ice-cream treats.

He has to be able to calm me down since I tend to explode. And, this being the most important aspect, he has to learn the difference of when I just want to let out my sob story and when I want advises from him. He has to know when to open and close his mouth. When to listen and when to speak. He has to be polite but also crazy at other times. He has to be decisive.

On Saturday nights, if I ask him where we should go, him saying "Up to you" or "No idea" will be a big minus point for me. If he opens the door for me, I will not be impressed. If he tries to order for me at a restaurant or always pays the bill, I'll roll my eyes .I want to be able to laugh and talk seriously with him at the same time.

He has to know how to calm me down. He has to know what to do if my car broke down in the middle of the road on a hot day with nobody around. He has to accept my dramatic flair in life. He has to master at least 1 foreign language-that's attractive. He has to know about my moods; when and how to approach if I give him a silent treatment. He has to be my bestfriend too at the same time.

I guess that's it.
That's pretty easy, right?

Oh, one small problem? I don't think this type of guy exists. Not in my world anyway. If he is somewhere out there, I'd very much like to shake his hand.

Why oh why, the sims 3 ??

2009-09-07T22:46:00.002+07:00

Seriously. Ever since The Sims (1) came out, I always, ALWAYS had trouble installing it. It's either the CD, or the crack, something just HAD to be wrong. Same goes with The Sims 2. I literally have like three different Sims 2 CDs lying around from different stores because I just couldn't get them to work.

And then, ladies and gents, today I installed The Sims 3.

I had to exchange the CDs TWICE because it said failure/error dics and when I finally, finally succeeded installing them (I even yelled with glee so loud that my mom jumped) it said....

"Unable to start game .Device 0 cannot run this title. Your video card does not appear to support at least Shader Model 2.Please upgrade your card."

I am on the verge of a pre-midlife crisis breakdown just because of this game, seriously. If EA had to pay me a penny everytime The Sims disappoints me, I'd be a friggin' millionaire by now. I googled it to find out what the heck Shader Model 2 was and was surprised to find that almost everyone on other side of the world also had the same problems. It's all over Yahoo! Answers, WikiAnswers, and forums. The solution is basically the same; buy a new VGA card.

New VGA my butt.

I must be the most pissed-off Simmer in the world right now. I only got til the end of September to lounge around, you know! I wanna spend my holiday Simming and DVD-ing and going out and reading books. From what I read, everyone's pretty pissed off as well because it said nothing about minimum requirements for VGA in the back of the CD package.

Huh.

I know this is my fault too for trusting the pirated CD games so much but come on; you'd do the same if you were me. Worse yet, I don't understand this whole IT/computer psychobabble so I don't freakin' know what to do. I hate not knowing what to do.

So I guess I'll have to break the piggy bank and spend about 5oo,000 on a new VGA card. :'(

My mood has officially gone down the drain.

aand another one

2009-08-29T12:59:00.002+07:00

Here is the analysis:

You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though, you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Bright and Cheerful

You are always cheerful and charming. You never get too serious with people when they're around, but when you are alone, you think carefully about what they have said. That's because you don't want anyone to see you being too somber. Your personality means you have a lot of friends and you are often the center of attention. Many people who fall into this category become artists and movie stars, perhaps fame could be yours in the future as well.

(artists and movie stars?! *gasp*) haha this is very fun.

(taken from http://www.quizbox.com/personality/test82.aspx)

I am attracted to this kind of thing like moth to a freakin' flame.

2009-08-29T12:54:00.001+07:00

Your view on yourself:
You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
You are very serious about relationships and aren't interested in wasting time with people you don't really like. If you meet the right person, you will fall deeply and beautifully in love.

Your views on education:
Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.

The right job for you:
You have many goals and want to achieve as much as you can. The jobs you enjoy are those that let you burn off your considerable excess energy.

How do you view success:
You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.

What are you most afraid of:
You are afraid of having no one to rely on in times of trouble. You don't ever want to be unable to take care of yourself. Independence is important to you.

Who is your true self:
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart rather than your head needs to solve.

They're pretty accurate, especially the last one.

2009-07-31T00:32:00.001+07:00

Just need to let out one sentence.

WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE ?

Thank you.

letting out some steam

2009-07-15T21:59:00.002+07:00

I CANNOT concentrate on this final stage of my internship report completion. Is completion a word?

I don't know why I can't put my mind to it. Yes, I have the motivation. I am so hopped up with excitement that I'm finally going to finish this endless stuff. But I just cannot concentrate at the moment, and I have no idea why.

Actually......I think I know why. And there's no way in hell I'd put it here.

Come to think of it blog is the perfect place for rants. And you, dear reader, cannot complain about it because in this blog I make all the rules. And rule number one is the moment you type this blog on the web address bar you are entitled to read my ramblings and pent-up frustrations and just smile and nod along.

Insecurities are like flies eating up your flesh one by one.

and the Oscar goes to...

2009-07-10T12:46:00.003+07:00

It's done.

My final report is done. I am currently writing my thank-you notes in Foreword. And I am getting close to tears.

Hahaha you are probably knitting your brows wondering why this person is so friggin' melodramatic. Which I am. I totally am.

I mean, just like Rachel said on Friends, this is the end of an era! This is my last chance to thank all the people that really helped and contributed in my report-making! My last chance ever because soon I will be graduating, I mean, what the heck? I mean, when I was working on my laporan kerja praktek, I thought to myself well, no need to get all choked up; this battle ain't over yet.

But it is now!

So thank you, people, who have helped in the progress. Thank you for supporting me endlessly. You know who you are. *Blows kiss to audience*

Thank you for the journey for the past 4years , girlsss! This is it, we're doing our one last final battle!

I have officially gone mad.

Oh and thanks Biffy, for just being cute :D And for always accompanying me at night til 2 a.m. , running here and there making noises in the kitchen while I work in front of my computer.

At least, I hope it was you.

my two favorite quotes of ALL time.

2009-07-09T23:48:00.002+07:00

"People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave." -Anonymous (I got it from a quotes site; if you claim to be the one who came up with this please stand up. Or leave a comment. Any way you'd prefer.)

I mean, this totally supports my theory! We must have been separated at birth, the author and I.

If you don't have any idea what I meant by "my theory", then just you wait. I don't plan to publish it yet, though few of my closest ppl have heard it from me when they're faced with some relationship trouble =P hahaha
And another one from my MOST favorite movie all time:

"You know how when you're listening to music playing from another room? And you're singing along because it's a tune that you really love? When a door closes or a train passes so you can't hear the music anymore, but you sing along anyway... then, no matter how much time passes, when you hear the music again you're still in exact same time with it. That's what love is like. " Music From Another Room

:) :)

..and another one, also from facebook.

2009-07-07T12:53:00.002+07:00

Dinda completed the quiz "What does the week you were born say about you?" with the result The Week of Leadership – Leo 3 August 11-18.
You assume a commanding role in your family and social group. You are a natural leader, and are a dynamic individual. You are a good planner, capable of organizing an effective plan of attack and seeing it through. You can be aggressive and know what you want and how to get it. Sometimes you can be less compassionate to those around you and lack consideration for their feelings. You are capable of inspiring loyalty, respect and love in others. You see yourself infallible and have tremendous faith in yourself. You are greatly imaginative and creative. As long as you are honored and respected by your mates you will be generous and kind to them, sometimes to a fault. In love you are subject to sudden, explosive, violent, and passionate displays of emotion. You can often be overbearing, combative and unforgiving. Strengths: Commanding – Heroic – Creative Weaknesses: Dictatorial – Selfish – Insensitive .

Heroic? Moi? Dictatorial? Commanding?
Are you kidding me? I've got to be THE LEAST commanding person to ever grace the earth! In love I am 'explosive, violent' ????? Sheesh. This is all pure crap.

...on second thought let's just hope that nugi will not read this one shall we? :p

from facebook quiz. i do not care what you say.

2009-07-07T12:51:00.001+07:00

Dinda completed the quiz "Who is your lifetime match?" with the result They are born between 21st June - 23rd July.
You're a real charmer but you don't get swept along by the first person who shows an interest in you. You need time to be sure of your feelings and you don't get involved lightly. But when you wake up one day telling yourself you want and love a certain person, your life takes on a whole different meaning. You cover them with kisses and can come across as a bit possessive. No-one touches the one you love! As for your loyalty, it's exemplary. Out of all the people you have encountered throughout your life, you will want to be loved-up in the arms of a one of these kinds of people...and stay there. You two form a wonderful alliance together. From the moment your two meet, a calm climate, full of love and serenity, will be born. You will feel good in their company, you have more things in common than differences. Like you, they love children and family. Alongside them, you will feel like you're in a cocoon, without ever becoming bored. And you have one thing on your mind: building a happy, comfortable and solid nest with them!.

Of course. *nods solemnly*

just an afterthought

2009-07-04T21:24:00.004+07:00

I think I've been imagining all this.
I think I'm feeling something weird inside my chest but I don't know why. It's like reaching for that cookie jar while you know that your hand is gonna be trapped shut inside it if you ever try to reach for the cookie.
Yet you try anyway.
And out of fear that you might get stuck or injured, you let your hand dangle. In-between reaching the cookies, already touching the tips of the chocolate-filled crust but unwilling to grab it in case the lid shuts.
And all around you people are laughing behind your back. "Nice try," they'd say. Or "Only morons would do something that they know is filled with risks."
But sometimes, you get your hand out of that jar. Because in a dangling position, your hand gets tired after all. Sometimes, you're distracted by all the pretty things in the cabinet. The lollipops, the cotton candy, chocolate caramel bars, Krispie Treats, gumballs, colorful, delicious, seductive. But no matter what, eventually, you end up glancing at the jar. Wondering what it it would be like to take a bite.
Because from what I hear, chocolate chip cookies give you the best comfort and warmth.
Even the most average one. Even the misshaped ones. But if you want to take a bite, then you have to insert your hand wholly inside the jar. Feel the lid shut down on you, causing you to cry in pain. Cursing at yourself for being such an idiot. You knew this was going to happen. Yet you did it anyway.
I guess this is what makes a human being; a mix of bravery and stupidity.

youtube this

2009-07-04T20:52:00.003+07:00

...due to the demand from a certain friend in my lat post *wink* I am finally updating this blog. I'm sorry, bloggy. I've just been very wrapped up in work and report-making. Hey now that I work part-time at a bookstore, I get to read books I don't really have to buy, right, so yesterday I read A Lion Named Christian which is a true story about two Australian guys' heart-warming relationship with their pet lion they bought in Harrods in London in 1971.
I picked up that book because, well, I admire lions. Not surprising since my star sign is symbolized by them and they rule the jungle. I love the feeling of leading something. Lions are known to be affectionate with children and they're calm but tend to get angry as hell when provoked. We do have a lot in common, right? Except that I don't have a pair of teeth that could tear you skin open with one graze. Or paws as big as my head. Nor do I eat a cow for breakfast.
Well anyway.
The story was really touching I felt my eyes burn when I finished the book. There was one image that stayed on my mind. The Aussie guys bought him when Chrstian was a little cub, right, so they let him stay in their apartment but he grew so big that eventually he was forced to be flown to Africa in orde to get a better life. Years later, the Aussies, who used to spend their time 24/7 rolling with Christian in the park playing ball and teaching him manners (whenever Christian leaps at them and knocking them to the ground, making them hopeless and unable to do anything but pray to dear God he wouldn't screw their heads off, Christian notices his masters' discomfort that slowly he backs away and starts nudging them gently, waiting to be forgiven) decided to visit Christian in Africa. It had been years since they last separated and the Aussies were sure their now 4-years-old pet wouldn't recognize them. But what happened was, the second Christian strolled by, with the trademark graceful, confident steps of a ruler of the jungle, he stopped dead in his tracks, saw his masters waving to him and he ran (and I mean really ran) towards them happily, and leapt up to his master's body with huge paws circling his shoulders for an affectionate hug.
I nearly cried.
I mean, you have to look at the image. I didn't know the image and video were so popular in youtube. I searched 'lion named christian' and found the great video of the infamous hug that stole everyone's hearts. Rumor had it that Christian was the biggest and most handsome lion in his place in Africa. And he protected humans, too.
When they weren't messing with him, of course.
I remember a certain part of the book that told a story of how he was kept in a pet store or something, and he was the object of display (obviously) and he knew it, so he always put a little show. He was playing with little kids who werent afraid of him, and to those who were, he roared. It turns out that lions know exactly who are afraid of them and love to show their authorities to them.
But not to his masters; the two Aussies who loved him like nobody else. The book said that Christian was always trying to get them to play hide-and-seek but they sometimes ignored him on purpose because playing with him was turning out to be so exhausting (yeah well, it ain't exactly a rabbit pet you're dealing with here, mate). I mean, how cute was that?! This shows, though, that the moral story of it all is: lions are loyals.
when they find someone who respects and loves them, of course.
*coughs*
I'm urging you readers to look it up on youtube. It's really touching.
I will get back for another post later- time to eat.

YOUTUBE IT !

let there be Sims

2009-06-10T19:48:00.003+07:00

What is up, little people?
See, this is what I feared the most when I decided to make a blog; that I would get bored and neglect it one day. Which is what I'm doing. I have to get rid ot his bad habit of being bored of everythign so easily. Sigh*.
So! I'm in the middle of writing Chapter III in my final report. Wish me luck. And oh I heard The Sims 3 is out in the US already !!!! grrrrrr I can't wait to get my hands on it sooooooon !
Though probably I should wait 'til this whole report-making is done. You know how addictive that game is. Oh and my friend just lent me Merde Happens, a really wity novel about a Brit, a Frenchwoman and an American touring together in a mini cooper.
I think the description says it all.
I forgot the author, sorry, and can't be bothered to get up to look for the book. My butts have been glued to this computer chair since 10 am, mind you. This kind of excitement to finish my report is very rare indeed, so I'd better soak it up while it lasts.
Random thought of the day: what would you do if you had a million dollar?
I would spend it on my current wish list:
1. Take Spanish language lesson (the intensive one costs 2 million Rupiahs, which is only like...200 Dollars?)
2. Take Toefl test, because...
3. ...Applying to Le Cordon Bleu/William Angliss Institute in Australia for cooking school
4. Stock up on books I've always wanted to read. ALL OF THEM.
5. Buy return tickets to NYC and SF, then go back here. Well I *do* still have the Spanish and Toefl classes.
6. Fly to any city / country in Europe. Preferably: Barcelona, Venice, Greece, Brussels because I loved it so much, and London.

That's all I can think of right now. Seriously; those are my most-wanted things in this world for the time being. Hey I got a question though. Why do people always say "what would you do if you had a million dollars"? Why not Rupiahs? Poundsterling, for God's sake? Bahts? Pesos? Yen?
Well okay, not Bahts. 2 million Bahts is probably like zilch dollars.
But you get my point. That is westernization, peoples. Americanization.
Well now that I've upgraded your knowledge on geography and currencies, I'd better get back to my report. See ya on the next post!

"i miss you more than i should."

2009-06-01T16:11:00.004+07:00

My, it has been a while.
I am now officially part-timng at Aksara bookstore, and getting busier with final report so I barely have time for you, bloggy.
Okay that's a lie.
I've been re-pulled back into the Tweeting world. Sorry. It's just addictive to read Giuilana's beauty tips or Coldplay's latest adventure or Chelsea/Ellen DeGeneres's witty posts. Not to mention CNN Breaking News's.....breaking news. The world is really at your fingertips. (Is that someone's tagline? If yes, sorry then, didn't mean to steal.)
I've just finished reading another Cecilia Ahern, this time with the title of If You Could See Me Now. Don't get me started. In my opinion, it's her best piece of work so far. You laugh and you cry along with the characters. I really wanna jot down what's it all about but nah, I'm being nice today so I won't give you any spoiler.

Well okaay, then, if you insist. It's about imaginary friends.
>:)
Which, really, makes me wanna write something similar to it. I have always wnated to write stories on magical/out-of-this-world stuff, remember? (No?) It's either super-powered humans, fairies, mafia families........the possibility is endless.
By the way, this post's title is Mr. Joshua Radin's song. So what has everyone been up to really? I am curently writing my report. So to speak. I have Facebook, Blogger and Twitter on my tab browsers and I have never felt more tech-savvy in my life. Oh, and did you hear about the Facebook ban here in our beloved country?
Don't get me started on that.
Hey you know who I miss? My highschool buddies! :( Is our 2010 trip still on, girls? ;D haha. I have never acted that impuslvie before and I loved it.
I'm gonna get back to writing and I promise I will return with much more meaningful posts. Toodles!

has time put out the flame ?

2009-05-25T12:33:00.002+07:00

If possible, I love my phone even more.
I just decided to re-join the Tweeting action and have just followed loads of people. Iit's getting kind of fun :D And even more fun when I downloaded it to my phone. It's true that you could get addicted to writing a status update every few minutes. Give people a chance to talk about themselves, and off they go. Secretly we are all self-loving humans even though more often than not we refuse to admit it.
I have to get back to writing my reports. This is the part I hate the most: researching communication definitions. My UPH SmartCard was left at a friend's, so I annot access the library for the moment. I'm gonna stick with the Net instead.
I'm gonna need luck for that.
Because I am so not in the mood.
Tomorrow's my first shift in Aksara and I'm nervous as hell.

By the way, I tried to make donuts with my beloved trusted maid this morning. We just laid it out in the garage so it'd get sunrays (in order to bulge) and we're waiting for the result.
I'm gonna need luck for that as well.
If I could, I'll post photos later :D
Last night I went to a theater/traditional dance show by my school's arts department in Kuningan. My team, of course, did saman and another dance I didn't coach. As I watched them onstage, I realized how much I missed that dance. Toothy grins, knowing the spotlight is on you and your friends, capturing the audience's enthusiasm; there's nothing I love more than that. I could also feel the eagerness of the audience inching forward, trying to get a better view as the dance was signaled to begin.
I just sat back in my seat and smiled proudly.
I went to their last practice yesterday and was very disappointed at them because they really lacked of team unity. It shows, trust me. So I did give a little pep-talk and thank God, they were showing improvements last night. Because based on my experiences, (at least on 2007 when I was still very active) you cannot perform that dance if you only care about your performance; what to do in this segment, what's the next move, what's the lyrics, how's the rhtyhm like, where am I gonna move next. No; you gotta think about the whole team's next moves and especially the two people beside you. Which is why I told them how important team effort is because it always, always, always shows. And which is why me and Tania have the tightest bond ever, haha, since she's always positioned next to me.
Now that I'm done with internship and only work part-time, I hope there's gonna be another event where I could join in. I could use the workout, that's for sure. I have been getting rounder and rounder since holidays :S
Off to check the donuts !
Toppings suggestions, anyone?

in the middle

2009-05-21T17:40:00.002+07:00

I don't update this as much as I use to, do I?
I've finished reading the Mysterious Society book- to my surprise, it is not as good as I expected in the first place. Probably because it draws out too long in the middle and the finale excitement is too short; as if the writer just wants to get it done as soon as possible.I know that feeling.
Haha.
But it's still a great story, especially for children because it contains intelligent stuff. Ooh I also borrowed Tuesdays with Morrie from my friend so...be prepared. Expect me to be philosophical freak in the next few posts.
I have to go snacking now- just woke up from a long nap and tummy is grumbling. Goodbye for now!

between good and bad

2009-05-15T16:58:00.005+07:00

My internship's done.

Seriously, I never expected to feel sad when I'm done with it. No more meeting my train people. No more arriving at the office when it was still eerily quiet. No more listening to the office boy's tuneless singing when he cleaned up the desks. No more listening to the witty banters between my colleagues. No more media monitoring rush like there's no tomorrow. No more summary reviews where Mr. America and UN Madame hover over Ms. British, waiting to be yelled at (internal joke). No more Starbucks sessions in the afternoon, skipping works. No more lounging in the meeting room and gossip about others.
We had a farewell dinner at the skydining place; it was good.
But still :(

Well. There is the advantage of waking up late into the noon.
But I get bored really easily =S

Hey on another, happier, note, I got the part-time job at the bookstore :D So yay! And tomorrow, if anything goes smooth, I'm gonna have dinner with the girls. So it's all just getting better. Amin.
All I've been doing for the past two days is eat. My mom loves it when the house is full, so she just keeps cooking and cooking like you wouldn't believe. Tsk.
I've been missing things. Hmmm. And people.
It's been such a long time since I met my high school friends. >:(
I'm in the mood to pour out something, but I don't know what it is. Can you tell? My writing style has been distant and kind of forced, hasn't it?
I've been missing things.

in the mood to write

2009-05-14T19:52:00.002+07:00

This is my last Thursday at B-M.
:(

Anyways.....
What a rainy morning today! I was riding the train as usual and luckily I brought my umbrella. But stiiilll I ruined my shoes because by the time I got on my office's lobby, water filled my shoes and literally they make a squish, squish sound when I walked hahaha I felt like a huge loser. I wanted to laugh but restrained myself, to prevent other people from thinking that I'm completely losing it.
It was still a good day, though :D
We had a staff meeting and the company's Asia Pacific CEO was doing a rare dropping-by in Jakarta this week, hence the staff dinner at Kembang Goela last night and today's staff lunch at the office.
I, of course, took a picture with him.
See, this is my problem. Always have been and always will be: getting too sentimental over stuff. You may call it dramatic, which I hereby claim that I am. I get too attached with my workplace, darn it. How to unattach myself from things like that -does anyone have any idea? Because I don't :( Not at the slighest. I got too attached to my high school class, college years..argh!

Well it's time for me to go home; will write later tomorrow.
I'm planning to hold a farewell dinner tomorrow , let's hope I won't shed any tears necause that would be downright embarassing; yes, even for me.

Cloudy day

2009-05-13T13:15:00.003+07:00

This is my last Wednesday in the office.
How the heck could four months have flown by so fast? I thought it was just yesterday that I learned how to get acquainted with my Outlook account. Jeez.
So, today I had an interview with a local bookstore for a part-time job starting June. To be honest, I am not certain about the results. It was all very sudden, haha,I got the call last night and had to come to Kemang this morning. Shoot.
Wish me luck :)

By the way, I really hate those crappy disguised companies in FB offering jobs. One of my friends fell into the trap. The company's name is Wipowell or something; they pretend that they're looking for PR, interns accepted, but it turns out they're some stock-trading company or some equally useless sort. It really makes me angry. And a few days ago, I opened my Facebook to see this:

D'Magnifique Keysersouze
Dinda,,,R u interested to be a Public Relation(PR)? …Fulltime…Part time…Freelance…or Magang(internship) utk yg msh kuliah…Gud income lho n great experiences lho,,,,,,,,:o)

What a buttwipe.
This was my reply:

Hai,

Of course I'm interested to be a PR. Just not in your company.

Regards,
Dinda.

I hope they got the message. I really hate companies like that, seriously. How stupid do they think I am? Looking for PR, or some sales/marketing slave that gets commission whenever I manage to get a client? And do you think by changing your name, I wouldn't track your history down?
(And don't you dare try to suck my friends in, you brainless tool. )

Anyways. I am off to do another task now. Staff dinner tonight, hoope it's gonna be a good one.
Cheerios, amigos.

nice sunday

2009-05-10T14:18:00.002+07:00

Peppered crackers and mayo tuna spread are the best combination ever invented. Even better than PB & J. Better than Oreo bscuits and its fillings.

Go try it.

I can't write much- my dog's been circling me with her nose up in the air, trying to lcoate where the delicious tuna scent comes from.

Doesn't she know I don't share foods?

happy three friends?

2009-05-08T07:23:00.002+07:00

Weeks ago, there was a new girl at the train. She looked like a doll, literally, like a porcelain doll or some sort, which is probably why all the low-life kind of men were leering at her. I always took notice whenever there was someone new at the train, right, and I noticed her because she was so chirpy with the street sellers at the station- which I find impressive.
So I met her almost everyday and one day we sat across from one another and saw her talking nicely with an old woman and I thought to myself, I think I could be friends with this girl. I often experience that kind of insights, haha; I could tell when I can or cannot be friends with someone.
Today, we stood next to each other and suddenly she turned to me and said, "You're a regular here, aren't you?"
I have found a new train friend.
I excitedly said yes and said that I saw her most of the times, too. She said that she recognized me because I have great hair. Crazy woman. :D But that only proves that she's kind of weird, so we probably will get along fine.
To make long story short, in the first ten minutes of our very alive chat, we know where each other lives, works/interns, marital status, family matters, exchanged names, numbers, and Facebook accounts. She's got two kids already-I was in shock! You'd understand if you see how young she is. In those first minutes we talked about the same strange people on train and how she loved to socialize and make new friends, thats why she always talked to the street sellers and street musicians- because she thinks they feel lonely.
We totally hit it off!
So I'm kind of sad that I'm gonna be finished with my internship here for two things: B-M itself, and my train family.
I introduced the girl to Nice Old Fella (whose real name I just learned today, shame on me ) and together, I think we form a good team. This makes riding the train so much less boring, yay!
Let me ask Mr. Hibachi to join in later. He seemed to be listening to our conversation from day to day anyway.
So that was my train update; I've arrived at the office way too early so I have spare time to kill before the newspapers swallow me. I'm in a such better mood today, thank God.
Have a good Friday, everyone! :)

on a brighter note:

2009-05-07T15:01:00.001+07:00

Check this out:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20090506/lf_nm_life/us_dog_oldest_2

a special note

2009-05-07T14:31:00.001+07:00

Here's the deal. I will make this oh so very simple, seeing as this might be hard to understand for some people.
Ready? Here we go.

When you make a mistake, you apologize.

That's it.
I don't know why it is so hard for some people to get it through their thick heads. It's simple, really - the word starts with S and ends with Y. Comprende?
Me, I have no problem apologizing. Every morning I apologize to strangers, be it silently or saying it out loud. I apologize when I step on their toes. I apologize to the newspaper boys at the train station for refusing to buy the paper over and over again and therefore not helping with their income. No offense, I say quietly, but I do media monitoring at the office so I eat those newspapers for breakfast every morning.
If there's another thing I don't like, aside from unsweetened iced tea, it's when people don't respect me. I do something that helps you, you say thank you. You make mistakes that hurt my feelings, you apologize. Do I have to spell that out? Will that help to make you understand better? The stupidest, most idiotic kind of peeople are those who make the same mistakes over and over again and still refusing to apologize because they don't think they're wrong. Are you testing my patience, really?
You'd better not.
I find it hard to dislike other people actually. I tend to give them the benefit of the doubt. i like making other people happy and I love to help them out in any way I can. So when you're on my "black list", then probably you did something so mind-numbingly stupid. This applies to everyone-no matter how close you are with me. Because then again, if we're really that close, then you wouldn't dare make the same mistakes all over again. Not with me, you wouldn't.
So if from now on, if something happens again that requires an apology certainly not from me, please do the right thing. And if something happens again that requires an apology certainly not from me but I ended up saying sorry anyway and you still don't get the idea? Well then we probably have been wasting time knowing each other.
Please keep in mind that it is a thoroughly nice feeling to be respected. So get over yourself and do the same for other people for once, okay?
Thank you for your kindest, undivided, most understanding attention.

you're all that I have

2009-05-05T15:25:00.004+07:00

My eyes are killing me.
My right eye is brightly red, while the left one is perfectly white. I'm like a psychotic husky, I'm telling you. The gripping, dramatical fear that I was about to go blind happened again this morning when I woke up. :D
I couldn't really open my eyes when I took a bath.
Nice.
I don't wanna go to schoooooool tomorrow argh I'm not in the mood! Because tomorrow I won't meet my fwends :( I miss them. I need those routine dinners.
By the way , I loved last weekend. It was a whole Sunday of sleeping and eating--well actually since Saturday, when my mom went crazy and cooked everything. Let me see, we had sloppy joe, croquette, bitterballen, and hainan chicken rice for the weekend, simply because my mom "felt like cooking it." The happiest team was of course, Nugi and my sister's boyfriend who chomped down everything as if they'd just returned back from war or something.
So last weekend I watched Xmen Origins: Wolverine and completely in awe of the cast. The men, I mean. I love that Ryan Reynolds played Deadpool- he was as usual witty and charming.
Taylor Kitsch as the card-playing master (Gambit?) was also not a disappointment and mostlyyyyy I adored the guy who played Agent Zero. He's half British, half American and Half Korean (don't laugh. Wait until you see him in the movie.) His real name is Daniel Henney. ;)
Well, aside from my eyes being one-red and one-white, what's new? How was your weekend?
Australia, anyone? Cooking school? :) Anyone aboard? I haven't even told my mom about it; only my closest ones know. I mean, can you imagine getting a diploma for pattiserie?!
(Here we go again.)

Ookay then I'm off to type something; will be back later. Hopefully with a better eye condition.

hello, mr angliss.

2009-05-01T17:15:00.006+07:00

Life just gets better every day.
Thanks to my colleague who visited this blog (*wink) I have now completely lost my sanity and cannot think about anything other than culinary schools.
Turns out that there's another school I should check out, and my, if this is possible, it's even better than the cordon blue below. I mean, they're the same bascially but there is a slight difference in courses. And the William Angliss Institute offers one thing I've been dreaming about: a combined major of patisserie and restaurant management.
Crazy stuff.
And there's one course that stands out the most from the school; it's something I've never heard before: Resort Management.
!!!!?!??!?!?!?!!?!?!
This is my kind of heaven. Back in jr.high I used to daydream with one of my besties that one day we'd have an island where I can manage the hotels and resorts and she could deal with the architectures and buldings :)
So anyway. This is the list of courses that attracts me the most:

Certificate II in Hospitality
(Kitchen Operations)
Semester One
Semester one gives you a basic
understanding of: customer relations in
hospitality, presentations, health, safety,
security and hygiene procedures, patisserie
production of hot and cold desserts, pastries,
and yeast goods, presenting food, kitchen
supplies, basic cookery, and organisation
and preparation of food.

Certificate III in Hospitality
(Patisserie)
Semester Two
Semester two gives you a broad understanding
of subjects in the areas of: financial
interpretation, safety and security, bakery and
patisserie products, decoration of cakes and
cookies, gateaux, torte, cakes, and petit fours,
and stock control and supervision.

Certificate IV in Hospitality
(Patisserie)
Semester Three
This semester gives you a basic understanding
of: patisserie budgeting, quality control,
compliance, chocolate production, coffee shop
planning, liquor studies, and sweets production
such as marzipan, sugar work displays, and
sweets buffets and showpieces.
Duration 1.5 years
Total Fees A$21,000

Diploma of Hospitality –
Specialising in Patisserie
Semester Four
This qualification gives you a broad
understanding of hospitality management
skills and knowledge, and also explores, in
substantial depth, theoretical concepts relating
to business operations; hospitality budgeting;
workplace diversity; legal knowledge for
business; rostering staff; and hospitality
service and quality.
Duration 2 years
Total Fees A$27,600

That's just crazy feces, I tell you.
I am really interested in the Certificate IV - 1,5 years for AUD 21,000.
Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggghhhh.
.....So how's everyone doing? :) Hope you've had a good week.
You know what, I don't care. Sorry. But I can't concentrate on anything except these schools !! The Angliss one is located in Victoria, Melb by the way. And they have Coffee Academy. And their own cafes. And...well the list is endless, just go to their official site.
Arghhhh I hate this. Hopefully these past two posts could be useful for you guys as well.
Now now, let's hope I could go there someday, yes ? :)

Have a good weekend, everyone!

g'day then mate! :D

2009-04-30T16:56:00.023+07:00

There was a newscaster in my train yesterday.
I can't even begin to tell you how weird it was- I was dying from laughter on the inside. The woman wore a uniform, carried a mic and just started reading political and finance news out of the blue, greeting the passengers as the new ones hopped on and said goodbye to those who stepped down.
But hey, gotta appreciate the courage and efforts, right?
;)
So guess what, I found one of my wishlist books yesterday, yay!! In case you didn't notice, you ignoramus, I made a wishlist there in the left part of this blog and I found The Mysterious Benedict Society, hooray! And I didn't find it actually-my sister did. Yayyy :*
I only read the first few pages but I like it already :D Again, if you know me well enough, I might even lend you the book.
By the way, something kinda funny happened today. Remember how I've been craving for a culinary school? On the train this morning I chatted with Nice Old Fella and oh so suddenly he talked about his nephew, who was studying hospitlaity & culinary in Australia.
Talk about fate. Or something.
So he went on, cheerily talking about how proud he is of his nephew while I listened in envy with my jaw on the floor. So turned out that the nephew's only like 18 and he enrolled in New South Wales's Le Cordon Bleu. I finally told Nice Old Fella about how much I've been dreaming of it and he said, wisely, that I should just pursue it because of my youth and that I have my whole life ahead of me. He told me that now that nephew of his could serve pastries of all kinds at family gatherings and how he was recruited with a few good hotels in Aussie so he doesn't wanna go back here. Lucky little feces.
So of course, being me, I googled the school and, well, I'm hooked. I'm completely, utterly hooked by Le Cordon Bleu and not only because of their prestiges and collaborations, but by their course subjects. Check this out:

Le Cordon Bleu Professional Culinary Management Program

The focus of the Professional Culinary Management or the Le Cordon Bleu Diplôme Avançé de Gestion Culinaire is specifically geared to the international culinary industry. For those wishing to succeed within it, the knowledge and skills embedded in the Advanced Diploma complement the passion, drive and commitment required to reach the top professionally.
This innovative Le Cordon Bleu two years & three months (2.3 years) culinary management Advanced Diploma offers comprehensive training in either Cuisine or Pâtisserie. Underpinned with 12 months of academic studies in the fundamentals of front line management, this course is considered a world leader in culinary education.
The Professional Culinary Management Program builds on successful completion of the Le Cordon Bleu Diplôme Program / Certificate III in Hospitality (Commercial Cookery or Pâtisserie).

or

Sydney Campus - Le Cordon Bleu Diplôme de Pâtisserie

Description: A vigorous and exciting course, the Le Cordon Bleu Diplome de Patisserie encompasses Le Cordon Bleu's Basic, Intermediate and Superior Patisserie courses, allowing students to master the techniques of classic patisserie while being introduced to all aspects of the kitchen.
The course progressively teaches the student to prepare a wide selection of cakes served in restaurants, patisserie shops and tearooms, through to classic and contemporary French desserts using advanced techniques in chocolate and sugar work.
Please be aware from our July intake the course will be 1.3years in length as the Superior Cuisine has a 6month work experience component attached.

Prerequisites : Applicants must be at least 18 years of age at time of course commencement
School leaver- Satisfactory completion of Year 11 is required or equivalent interstate/overseas secondary education.
International entry- Minimum of General IELTS 5.5 with no band score below 5 or recommendation for direct entry from a Le Cordon Bleu recognised English language provider.
All dates are in the format 'mm/dd/yyyy'

07/16/2009 - 04/21/2010

Tuition: AUD 25,000.00
Courses that make up this diploma :
Basic Patisserie: 2009 - Term 3 - Session 1 (07/16/2009 - 09/26/2009)Intermediate Patisserie: 2009 - Term 4 - Session 1 (10/06/2009 - 12/16/2009)
Superior Patisserie: 2010 - Term 1 - Session 1 (01/26/2010 - 04/21/2010)

I have died and gone to culinary heaven.
Getting a diploma on patisseries!??! Are you kidding me????? I highlighted the most appealing things to me , as you can see.
It's AUD 25,000 for 9 months- which bank do you think I should visit with a rifle gun and an empty sack? But that 9 months extended into 1,3 yrs during July intake because there's a 6-months work experience, it said. And from what I've browsed around the website, it is a paid work experience. Wow.
God I want this. I want the second one more. I almost never wanted anything so bad- I mean, academically. I don't know why but I have a feeling I could do it, one day.
Somehow.
Amin.
I hate it when people say "well you don't always have to get what you want, right?" I think that's a pathetic way of thinking. Of course I have to get what I want, as long as it's for a good cause - that's part of the reason why I live! That's part of the excitement, the challenge of life. (Maybe you won't know that because you're such a boring person. Boo.)

Credits for http://www.cordonbleu.edu/, by the way.
I will not be able to stop talking about this, so be prepared. This is me all worked up, me in love; this is me when I'm too obsessed with something.
I WANT TO GO THERE !!!

who will be my five people, then ?

2009-04-28T15:35:00.003+07:00

Hello, dorklings. What's new?
I wanna run to the bookstore and grab a copy of Tuesdays with Morrie. I can't wait to read it. I'm discussing The Five People with Illa who's in the middle of finishing the book, and as our discussion grew , I realized I like the book even more.
So basically the story's about Eddie, an old guy who works at the pier. The first chapter of the book is titled "The End", which might confuse you but as the author wrote, all endings are also beginnings. We just don't know it at the time.
So the book opens with Eddie's death and how he travels to heaven to find five people that somehow, indirectly, have touched his life when he was alive. The saddest one was when he met his long-deceased wife, of course.
The point is, according to this author , when we die, we have five people waiting for us. That's the idea. We don't even have to wait til we die; right now, there are five dead people residing in heaven getting in line, waiting to meet us and explain to us how they affected our lives once. The funny thing is, those people aren't likely to be your dad or mom or sis or brother. It's the kind of people who you never thought you'd meet but when they explain why, you'd see the connecting dots that somehow, some way, they did have an impact in your life.
What a great storyline, yes?
Especially compared to my old obsession of Gossip Girls or Au Pairs haha.
Shoot (or shall I say, feces) - I got a new task.
Write later!

passion, anyone ?

2009-04-27T18:50:00.003+07:00

I've finished reading The Five People last night.
It was good. It was, as I said before, full of beautiful quotes. I will post them later - I have one particular quote I love the most. The book was also sad, though. Now I wanna read Tuesdays With Morrie.
By the way, the other night I watched Oprah. It featured young millionaires and stuff but the point was, people really succeed when you find yourself doing something you love, and not for the money. The happiest kind of people is those who continue doing something they're really passionate in; then it will flow from there.
Wow - Oprah and Mitch Albom all in one day.
Anyways, accidentally, today at campus I met Tania and we had a brief lunch and we discussed bout life after college.
Which really, really made me think.
I mean, Oprah and those people were actually right. I don't wanna do something because it results in huge amount of cash. I wanna do something I really like; the one I really enjoy doing.
I wanna be 50 and be able to say, "You know what, I loved my job." I wouldn't care about the money it makes because as long as you're passionate about something, then you'll get the best result there is. So me and Tania talked about what we were really raging for. For her, it's fashion marketing stuff; how she regret not enrolling in a fashion business school and at UPH instead. Bingo- the big R word.
I don't wanna feel regret. I hate that feeling. So now Tania's wishing for a fashion school or courses after she graduates. Another friend of mine has also known what she wants to do: open a dance studio. Another one is now also doing EO stuff and it's looking quite good.
What about me?
I realized that there are two things that I'm always passionate about: foods, and children. After my last leadership class today, I was so moved by the videos of poverty-stricken children my lecturer showed in class and I so badly wanted to open a foundation that houses the poor kids in the street. Seriously. But of course not now- I don't even have the money or the people for it.
As for foods, well, my mom loved to cook and I think I inherit the passion for foods from her. The difference is, I can't cook. Haha.

I figured that I can always build a foundation when I'm older. But for my "life after college", I want to open a restaurant. Here, good. Abroad, even better. I told you in previous posts before how much I wanna do this; but I don't think you understand how bad I want it.
Back in fifth semester, we had a PR Writing class. To this day, it's still one of my fav subjects ever. We were told to make a false company and be the PR for it; make press kits and stuff. I was ecstatic when my group decided to make a Spanish restaurant- it was located in Kemang and we held events and stuff :D it's all make-believe, of course, but still I did it so very thoroughly because I loved it. I loved every bit of that class.
Aside from that, I also like advertising. But only the copywriting part- I love stringing sentences together and awe others. The lucky thing is, I'm enrolled as a communication major. That connects to everything. I could even double as the restaurant's PR, right. I mean, what if I decided to study like Engineering or something? :S What will I do then, you know.
So, I think I'm serious about that culinary school. I don't care if you say that's unimportant and useless; if I don't end up getting my dreams to open a restaurant, then at least I will be able to serve foods other than fried rice and fried noodles to my kids.
How 'bout that? >:)
It's gonna be tough, I know. And the thing is, first, I don't know a good culinary school here or abroad. Well surely Switzerland has the best ones but come on-that's too much for a beginner, no? Unless I get a scholarship or something.
Tell me if I'm being unrealistic here, but I wanna reach it all before thirty. By then, I wanna be settled with a family (and twins for kids, please? :D) and I wanna be someone my kids can look up to. They'll be able to learn that people should still have fun while working, too. That when they grow up they're inspired to follow their dreams as well. By then, I wanna have a nice job that I can be proud of because it is my dream; not because the big bucks it makes. The question is, am I brave enough to do that? To prioritize my actual hope and dreams and not money? Because we do need money every once in a while, eventually. I don't wanna cave in, but I also don't know if I can do that.
That's the coward-ish side of me that I loathe.
I'll have to continue this post later, seeing as I don't wanna bore you to tears and thus preventing you from visiting this blog again. And besides, I'm so tired that my eyes are seeing funny things now, haha. I need those eyedrops.
That's just something to mull on, peoples. Are you really doing something out of passion or are you still waiting for that egg to hatch?
Let me know. And if you've suceeded in it, please tell me how to conquer the fear and how to just follow your guts and hearts instead.

2009-04-24T16:37:00.004+07:00

Aren't attachments a scary little thingy?
The more you get attached to something, the harder it will be for you to let go. Whatever it is, you name it; books, a certain piece of clothing (you're gonna say goodbye to it eventually because face it, you're gonna get fat) dogs, cats...human beings. The latter is the hardest form of 'things' to say goodbye to.
When you bid farewell to your dog, no matter how adorably cute he is, the best he could do is to hold you tight with his tiny paws and look at you with puppy eyes questioningly. Whilst that's really a heartbreaking image, it is much much worse when you tell someone goodbye. It doesn't even have to a best friend; it could be your foster parents during a homestay, could be the nice old gardener who's been tending your house but passes away, it could be anyone. That's still the "easy" kind of goodbyes, though. The keyword here is 'comfort'. Whenever you feel comfortable with someone or something, it's gonna be hard as hell trying to wave goodbye to them. And you will eventually have to say goodbye to them, because you can't be with someone forever. There's that certain aspect called death- but other than that, it could also be other reasons like moving far away out of the country, fading feelings, illness, and a lot more.
If you're experiencing it, well, tough luck, buddy. But in my opinion, everyone has gone through that phase at least once in their lives. Loving something too much that you're scared to let go. You're scared of what's gonna happen to them but even more, much more, you're scared of what's gonna happen to you when they're gone.
This does not necessarily mean you gotta bridge yourself from them. Just because you're scared of getting too attached, too comfortable, and too scared of letting go, you force yourself to like them less. First, I don't think that's possible, and second, I am all for 'live your life day by day' crap. Don't think too much of something, you know? Tomorrow's just another day and we'll see what happens, so if I'm gonna laugh my head off all day today just because I feel like it, who cares? If you wanna inch yourself closer to that person today, why not? Thinking wayyy forward to the future can be frustrating. We already know that when we're old, we're gonna have heaping problems that's gonna suck all our fun moments away. Welcome, insecurities.
So if we will be frustrated in the future and we're also feeling like it now, at the present, then when the hell can we have that fun? Are you really gonna sit back and watch your life pass by, full of insecurities and listening to other people's decision rather than making your own, only to regret it when you grow old and grey, sitting on a rocking chair?
You're gonna turn out to be such a boring person and sorry, but I don't make friends with boring people.
That's part of the reason why I said on my earlier post that you should make the most out of your day, one by one. Starting tomorrow, what do you say? You wanna go backpacking across Bangkok or Prague or Peru or whatever the hell people go backpacking nowadays, then do it. Don't listen to that uptight friend of yours who said backpacking's dangerous and you could get eaten by mountain lions or get stabbed somehwere in a dangerous city.
So what? People die anyway. *shoot* does happen, you know.
Wait this reminds me- in the place I'm interning right now, I have the responsibility to write daily summaries of a client's news in local media. For example, my client is McD (wow, think how many free burgers I could get if that were true) so if there's any news related to the junkfood industry in newspapers, I take it out and summarize them in english. The client in the company is in the health industry so there are millions of strange terms about medical stuff that I never heard before. One day I had to translate this:
"Penyakit ini dapat menular melalui ludah dan kotoran manusia."
And the first translation that entered my mind automatically was "This disease spreads through saliva and human crap."
Which was of course, not only wrong, it was ridiculous. So I looked it up the internet and saw one of the coolest terms ever for it: "human feces." Feces. Of course!
So from now on I'm going to replace the four-letter word starting with S and ending with T , with the word feces.
Feces happens. I'm feeling feces-y today.
Nice.
I'm already a lot more intelligent now, huh?
I'm cold and hungry as hell and my brain's swirling, so mind the weirdness. I'd better get back on the internship report !

the man who can't be moved

2009-04-23T09:45:00.003+07:00

I am a very patient person. When I want to be. Which is most of the times.
Seriously. I consider myself as kind, even. I can't even say no to others sometimes. If I absolutely have to, I will deliver it in a way that wouldn't hurt their feelings. Because I tend to put myself in their position, so I know I have to be careful with what I'm saying or doing.

This morning, I wanted to smash people's heads through the glass windows and let them dangle until the next train comes up.

This was not a good morning start for me. Here is what I do every morning, just so you understand the point of my morning madness: I wake up at five-fifteen on the dot, take a bath, get dressed and stuff, and leave for the station at six-twenty. Train leaves at six-forty, arrives at Sudirman on ten past seven, and I continue my walking journey to the office. Every morning, I arrive on the doorstep of B-M exactly at seven-twenty five.
If you know me really well, you'd know that the one thing I hate the most is change of plans. Being uncoordinated, unorganized, just a tick of minute late- I hate that. It ruins my schedule. My best friends know that all too well, and that issue has caused many arguments between me and nugi as well.
Don't worry, you're not the only one; everyone thinks I'm insane.
Anyways.
It all began this morning at the station, where was an announcement over the speakers: that most parts of the Sudirman train's AC has broken and we would appreciate if it the dear passengers look out for themselves and for each other as well, sorry for the inconvenience, bla bla bla. So the train came along..
and it was packed like hell. Turns out that the AC has broken down in coach 1 and 2 only, so everyone rushed to coach 5 and 6, where I'm usually at. Darn it. It was so jam-packed with people, though thankfully no body odor emergency, but I was feeling rather sleepy today so I expected an empty seat. Yeah right- I couldn't even see the people sitting because of bodies blocking my view, let alone secure a free seat.
So I just took a deep breath and forced myself between all those people, clutching tight to my bags, looking around for an unoccupied handle bar for me to hold on. Thankfully, there was one in my left so I gripped tight as if my life depended on it. During the first few minutes people were rocking from side to side and I was so annoyed, I couldn't do anything. I just looked over a man's shoulder (he was the one I told you about that looked like Monster Inc's vicious snake) and read the newspaper he was holding. Free news, anyone?
And then, the train stopped at the first station and let a few people off. Phew, I thought, now I can move more freely. I shuffled to the left and finally could have a little space of my own. It was still packed, though. Women were still forced to lean against the doors and else. When I looked to my right, that was the second strike in my morning madness.
There was this middle-aged guy who held on to two handle bars, all for himself. I mean, dude, can't you take a look around and see how many people needed to hold on to that? Some were even gripping the rails in the overhead 'cabin' for safety and here he was, completely healthy, completely well and completely idiotic, hanging on to two.
I hate people like that.
I had a plan in my head like a lightbulb going off. I was in a bad mood, remember, so I wasn't in the mood to just stand around doing nothing. So what I did was, I shoved him on purpose.
Haha.
Well not very hard, of course. I did it subtly. I intentionally moved noisily and shoved left and right like a brat, knocking him forward and making him squirm uncomfortably. Was he annoyed? Yes. So what did it mean?
MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
I wanted to slap the back of his head, seriously.
Anyways, I got off the train (it was delayed, too, so grrrrr) and when I looked at my watch, it was already seven-twenty. I should be in the office by then! So I speed-walked out of the station, through the throng of people, when suddenly I was walking behind a very, very, very....slow...woman.
Strike three.
If it was an old woman, trust me, I'd understand. But all i could see from behind was her long, butt-length hair, jeans and shirt, which meant she was young and healthy and completely normal. She was walking so slowly as if on a runway, seriously. She was strutting left and right, swaying a little.
I was so pissed off. I imagined that maybe , seen from the front, she was a man in disguise, like those Thailand transvestites, where the women look handsome and the men look so pretty. I finally rushed past her and when I walked near the bridge, there was another woman -this time older- walking so frustratingly slow, enjoyin the scenery in her left and right.
Let me tell you something.
One, there is a certain reason why we take the 6.40 train. We did not wake up at five a.m. everyday to enjoy sceneries and breathe the city's fresh air. Now, I don't know how you do it in Thailand but in here, we try to get in before our office hour.
Two, you wanna go on a tour? Charter a damn bus.
I finally arrived at the office at 7.36 ish, almost fifteen minutes later than my planned daily schedule.
I'd better get some Richeese or someone's gonna get their head bit off today.
Speaking of biting people's heads off, I have less and less motivation for this leadership project. The team's getting on my nerves.
Oh, on a friendlier note, I love that song-the title of this post. It's performed by The Scripts and me and Illa are going nuts over the lyrics currently. Google it and you'll see why :)

I'll post later- gotta do something.
I hope your morning's a lot better than mine.

a bright and early post

2009-04-22T09:26:00.002+07:00

Hi. I have done my tasks before deadline and officially became a geek. And incredibly proud of it.
There is a black cat hanging out around my house, ever since we moved in. =S
If I'm not mistaken, even my mom or my sis thought they'd seen it inside the house one time but turned out there was nothing there. Creepy.
Anyways, I can't wait until January 2010 =P I really really hope everything will work out the way we plan it, aminnnnnn. Because there's a good quote from a book I read years ago and stuck by me all these times: "You wanna make God laugh? Make a plan."
The book was called Changing Emma or something, about a skeptical family who won a million-pounds lottery. I think the quote is telling us that humans should never expect anything because things so very rarely go the way we plan it.
Nice.
Well, I've had enough with expectations anyway. I've learned that we could hope, but we shouldn't expect. Do you know the difference? You know, like keeping your head up but your feet still planted on the ground.
My current read: Mitch Albom's The Five People You Meet In Heaven. Hahaha.
I don't know why I'm laughing, really. It's just that so many people say their lives and their point of views changed from reading it. Of course I am not underestimating Mitch's masterpieces-who the heck am I, right. But I just thought that the book was so philosophical so I never cared enough to read it, let alone buy one.
But last week, I did. And I have to say, the first page already gripped me.
I won't spoil the story, I'm pretty sure most of you have read it by now anyways, and I've only reached the beginning so I can't really say anything but I can tell you this: it is a book of quotes. Not cheesy one-liners, but deep quotes that require you to read the sentence twice of three times in order to really understand it and go "oooooooh." And then you automatically relate it to your own personal experience and your eyes widen and for the second time in five seconds you say "oooooooh," now you get it.
Anyways. Today is Earth Day, right? I am all about supporting the environment, really, and I wanna do more than just joining a group on Facebook. It is kinda sad that nobody gives a flying rat about global warming, don't you think? I mean sure, you are all about protesting against it but what are you doing in actions, really? The May edition of TeenVogue has an article about how to help by doing the simplest things. Things you can do at home, at school, at work, while shopping, and else. It's pretty good and useful. :)

2009-04-21T13:23:00.002+07:00

I love my new phone.
Not because it's currently the so-called (overrated) hot piece of gadget in the country, or because of its push-email specs and other high-tech stuff that's too long to write here, but because of the messenger feature. I mean, now I can very much openly talk about anything and i mean anything with my friends. You know how much I love talking about unimportant stuff, right? (hence this playground stuff) So being able to do it every hour of the day excites me.
I mean, I can totally talk with the girls about all kinds of stuff, from asking for resto recommendation to updating each other what to wear on weekend nights, to simply talking about the weather, our dreams, our 'what-are-you-doing' status every ten minutes, our wishes for the future.......the possibility is endless. It is the best companion whenever you're bored, ill, or doing the number two. hahah.
And the best part is, it's free.
Anyways. Jeez I really am not in the mood to study !! Remember I was supposed to make the speech draft for leadership? Yeah that one's out the window. I want Richeese.
I can't believe I'm leaving this work place in a few weeks. =S
Newsflash: 7-11 is entering the Indonesian market. A gain or a loss, what do you think? All I know is my friends would be ecstatic for the sour candies. Will they have Slurpees though? :D
Gosh I'm cold and sleepy.
Okay I'd better really start making the speech, or else nobody will have anything to say on the project this Saturday.
..which is not such a bad idea, come to think of it.

eyesores

2009-04-21T09:39:00.003+07:00

There's something freaky going on with my eyes. Eye, to be exact, because it only happens to the right one. Every morning when I wake up and open them, there's a painful jolt that forces me to shut it close immediately but when it's shut, it hurts like hell. So I opened them, and I thought i was going blind because there were lights coming from all over the place, so I'm confused, really, whether to open or close them. =S I've been experiencing it for a week now.
As I went to the bathroom, I had to walk really slowly because I depended on the walls and still did not dare to open my eyes. Finally after I took a bath, it's all normal again. Although yesterday at class I suddenly couldn't see people and things very well--they were kind of blurry and funny-looking :D So tomorrow I guess I'll have to go check them at the hospital with my mom. This is crazy. I freak out easily when it comes to eyes, so I can't imagine how tomorrow would go. :(
So, another train ride this morning. New members of the family, woo! There was a man that looked exactly like the snake monster in Monsters Inc.- you know, the evil one that could be invisible whener he wants? Google it if you forgot. The man does look evil. :( But he's nice, just quiet. Only minds his own business. Ooh , and there was a Japanese-looking guy that liked to spit into the railways. Disgusting. Let's name him Mr...Hibachi? Does that sound Jap enough? I hope that's not the name of an electronic brand. There was a newbie today, literally a newbie, not a newcomer in my train family tree. He 's middle-aged and he asked the man next to him, 'excuse me, this is sudirman station, is it correct?'
HA! I wanted to stand up and show him off, no, sir,this is the Karet one and Sudirman is next. Yes, I do know all these things because I am an expert in train stations now and yes i am being an ass for it.
A little annoying, i know, especially the fact that the guy could have been me a few months back; looking lost and unbalanced and not knowing how to stand properly inside a train.
Anyway.
I really am in absolutely no mood of doing my internship report. The papers for seminar is due next week and I have to come up with pages and pages of keywords explanation, I mean, what? Not to mention the demanding people on my leadership team- and it's due this Sat.
Bummer. People just don't know how to have fun anymore. I want a little undwind-ing time, probably dinner with the girls? Maybe next friday. We'll explore another new place, yay!
Well, I guess I'm off writing a speech of "healthy kids" for leadership class. Don't ask.

happy 22nd, you :)

2009-04-19T19:38:00.002+07:00

Finally the big day's here- it's my boyfriend's birthday today so yaaaayy! :D
I was busy searching for presents since week ago, and finalyl found the perfect one in Grand Indonesia. I planned everything perfectly, down to the wrapper and the extra little gifts that accompany the big one.
Man, I love giving gifts.
Usually I'm a lot more prepared than this, though. It's just I couldn't find the time to go gift-hunting what with internship and stuff. =S But still. I love going out of my way to give presents for people I care about. All those hard works pay off when you see their expressions as they open the gift =)
Anyways, how's everyone doing? Btw now you can only post comments when you click on my post's subject there in the left >:( When you see it here, you can't see the "a penny for your thoughts?" part, can you? You can only see it if you click on the separate posts there on the left, grr. I will work on it soon.
My mom's been kind of sick :( So she's sleeping a lot now.
Hey I wanna travel abroaaad! I miss the feeling of waking up in a nice hotel room and the only thing to worry about is when breakfast time is gonna end. And then put on some sandals and shorts (well it depends where you are, actually) and get out of the hotel only to be greeted by impressive scenery and lots of cute shops and tons of new foods to chew.
Anybody wanna come? :D

how white should a lie be?

2009-04-17T15:26:00.002+07:00

That was not meant to be a racist question, by the way.
I was wondering; at what point do you think you can tell a lie without feeling guilty? I mean, of course lots of you never feel guilty when lying-it's for your own sake, so you don't think about other people's feelings. What's interesting is, we have something that we call a white lie. Which happens to be the kind of lie you can tell if it's for other people's sakes.
The question is, who said it's about other people? White lies, apparently, are allowed to do because you have to lie in order to protect the people you care about.
Okay let's check. Situation A. You have a bestfriend named Jane and you know her boyfriend, too, named Jack. One day, you see Jack cuddling up with a girl who is definitely not Jane. You've been best buddies with Jane since kindergarten, and when she said she's been having problems with Jack and asked you whether you knew anything, do you not tell her? I mean, really, is that what you call a white lie?
If you think that by telling her "no, i really don't see anything weird about jack" you are telling a white lie and therefore doing it for your best friend's sake, think twice. That only means you let her go on and live in a relationship like a stupid fool who doesn't know anything, and keep getting hurt by that scum Jack.
Anyway.
Really, I was just curious. I think, though, there are three kinds of people that you should never, ever lie to: lawyers, communication people, and moms.
I proudly claim that I do know when people lie. Haha. It's fun watching people squirm. Communications people will absolutely know when you're lying. Because we do study about deception theories, haha. We have to learn about lying in order to pass that class, for God's sake. Even if you think you've made perfect sense when you lie, we tend to see right through it. And as for lawyers, well, I don't think I can even stand straight if I have to see them face to face.
I wonder if people can go a month without a lie; not even the white ones.
Another thing I'm curious about: movie endings, especially fairytale ones. Don't get me wrong, I do like happy endings - hey, i'm not that bitter. But sometimes I wonder, who gets to make the decision to make that ending, you know? I mean, what if after Cinderella and the Prince get married, she goes back to scrubbing the floors instead of living happily ever after? Maybe even the Prince himself turns out to be a total jackass and gets fat because he drinks every night and cheats with Cinderella's stepsisters. I mean you know, the possibility is endless. Anyone care to make a sick, twisted version of Cinderella : The After-Tales? :D
By the way where did all my comments goooo ? :((( my friends said they couldn't post comments. Does blogger.com NOT know that my most favorite part of creating a blog is when I read comments? >:(

shrine for the skywalker

2009-04-12T17:39:00.003+07:00

Hayden Christensen must be one of the most good-looking men to walk on earth.
He even beats Jude Law, and if you know me really well, then you'll know that it's a huge thing for anyone to beat Mr. Law!
I am a Star Wars aficionado (a college term for 'geek') which means I've noticed Hayden since years and years ago, but really, a guy doesn't get better looking than that, tsk. A lot of people dislike him because of his "lack of acting skills", but in this case, I don't care, mwahaha. Jumper will be on StarMovies tonight, and I can't wait to see it again.
I wanted to post a photo of him here but lost track of time instead, googling his pictures, so I'll just let you do that yourself. And then you will see my point and agree with me that Rachel Bilson is the luckiest little thing, *sigh. They do make a really great couple, don't you think?
I haven't watched Awake, because I heard the movie's a bit gory but I still wanna watch Mr. Christensen in it, ;) haha. this is turning out to be like a celebrity gossip blog or something.
Anyway, on a much more normal note, I have just finished reading a Cecilia Ahern book called Thanks for the Memories. Brilliant. Not the best novel I've read or anything, but it is far from disappointing. It's really beautiful, the way she writes, and I don't know...the book just makes you think.
The story revolves around Joyce, a woman living in Dublin who's just had a miscarriage and therefore lost a huge amount of blood and experiences a great deal of pain and loss. The miscarriage ruins her marriage so she lives with her father.
In another part of the world (well just London to be exact) a guy named Justin is donating blood against his own will in a Donate Blood Weekend or something at a college. He's a visiting lecturer for arts & architecture.
Well the story moves on, telling about each of their lives separately with no connection at all, each living their lives as usual. Until one day, Joce starts having dreams about picnics with a little blonde girl in a park, and suddenly Joyce knows a lot about architectures like you wouldn't believe. Shocking everyone, she suddenly could speak Italian, Latin, even French. She knows about places, museums, buildings she's never been to before. And then, when Justin has to give a lecture in a college in Dublin, they accidentally meet.
She feels like she's known Justin even though they never met, and he feels the same way too. And the way the author writes is funny-one time Justin was havign dinner with his brother in London, when he suddenly choked and reached for water. In Dublin, Joyce, who was eating with her father, sudenly experienced a loss of air and gasped for air; it's like they were somehow connected.
I won't spoil the rest of the story, but the point is it turns out that Joyce was the one that received Justin's blood donation, therefore she is now seeing things through his eyes, his experience, his memories. You should go buy one and read it (or if we know each other that well, I could lend it to you) because it's filled with moments that make the hair on your arms stand up in pleasure.
Now, I know this is fiction and all, but again the way the author writes is simply unbelievable. Makes you think if it really happens like that with blood donations. Cecilia Ahern is the one who wrote P.S. I Love You, the one that got turned into a movie. She also wrote Rosie & Alex (I just learned that the name changed into Where Rainbows End) where I first fell in love with her work.
This is an excerpt from the book that I found quite amusing/useful:

"Deja vu is French fr 'already seen' and it describes the experience or feeling that one has witnessed or experienced a new situation previously. The experience is most frequently atributed to a dream, although in some cases there is a firm sense that the experience genuinely happened in the past, Deja vu has been described as remembering the future."

Now there you go, fo those of you who've been secretly wondering what deja vus really is. My, I love that book. And I also love it because of the art/architectural facts scattered all over the book. :D

I've got to go eat now; hey I wonder why my blog comments sometimes disappear? =S
Well anyway, I'll be working on it. See you people in the next entry!

happy election day!

2009-04-09T20:38:00.003+07:00

I didn't vote, but before you go all crazy on me, it wasn't because I didn't want to. Strangely enough, I did want to. My family just hasn't been registered, what with being newcomers at Sektor 3A Bintaro. I will vote for the presidential election , don't worry. Yes, come to think of it, the only times I feel like my nationalism is soaring high is only during two things: elections, and when I perform traditional dances onstage. That's about it.
So I've been thinking quite a lot lately-I think that when I really really want something I shouldn't just stand by and whine to other people about it. Instead, I should do something about it, something that no matter how small, can help me achieve my goals. So, ladies and gentlemen, I am planning to enroll in a culinary school sometime in the future. Perhaps after I graduate? I don't know. All I know is that my dream is to open a restaurant when I'm older. Wish me luck :D
The only things I have made so far are cookies and cakes and cupakes. Messy, ugly icing on it, too. I gotta learn how to decorate cupcakes. But there are so many cupcake outlets in town nowadays that I feel the business is going stale. I gotta find something new :D
I have my own recipe book; I write them down from the recipes I found online, and then I try to make it one by one but still, I'm not in the big league yet. I haven't even tried to make cheesecake. It's kind of hard to find pie crust in grocery stores in Jakarta, I think. And I haven't got the skills to make the pies from scratch, too.
Other than cakes, I love making appetizers, but I still haven't explored that area much either. Come to think of it I'm just big on talking and never actually do it. I gotta change that about me. =P
Anyways, you know one of the things I hate the most on Facebook, aside from people shouting unimportant stuff?
It's when someone adds me randomly. But that's still normal, what I hate even more is when that someone suggested that I should add someone else--another person I don't bloody know. I mean, I didn't even accept you as a friend, why the heck are you suggesting another stranger for me? Tsk. The stupid things people do.
Anyways, a new marketing strategy has been booming during this election madness. As Starbucks put it, if you care enough to vote, we care enough to give you a free cup of coffee. It motivates the young and hip crowd to vote. And it does give value to the coffee shop. I thought that was brilliant.
Until everyone starts doing it. You get 10 % off at Aksara if you vote. You get 50 % off for an entry to Dufan if you vote. You get discounts at Matahari Dept Store if you show your purple-d pinky today.
Well, it is still good strategy. I haven't heard anything like that before. Unfortunately, I have not been registered yet so no free stuff for me this year. I'm lucky Starbucks is "only" giving away black coffees. I mean, if they're giving out vanilla steam milks for free today, I would've dipped all my ten fingers into the ink and march straight up to the nearest counter I could find :D

remembering jade santoso

2009-04-06T19:43:00.002+07:00

Isn't it funny how when you hear someone pass away, you say 'innalillahi' and that's it ? Isn't it funny that you never stop for a moment to think about how that person's mother, father, siblings, friends, lover, must have felt? What are they doing now that the person they loved, the person they used to see everyday is gone? Isn't it funny how you never think about how much a simple death affects everybody?
When it's your friend who passes away, it's different.
I met Jade on our first day in UPH because we were in the same class. The first thing I noticed about her was how carefree and how beautiful this American-Balinese girl looked. We got to talking and I was impressed by her music and movies taste because we had quite a lot in common. The right word to describe her would be unique. Unusual. And always, always in a good mood. You just couldn't help liking the girl-her smile was infectious, she always bounced here and there, and literally never got anything bad to say to anybody. Every guy thought she was the prettiest girl in campus and girls wanted to be her. To be able to always look so put together and so effortlessly cool in any style of clothing she wore.
Despite the fact that we grew apart and hung out with different circles, I kept in touch with her because she also majored in PR and we had a few same classes. She would ask if I were still with Nugi and expressed her awe saying that wow, you guys have been on for so long, wasn't it only your first month with him when we met in 2005? Stuff like that.
You would never see her frown. She would always greet people here and there, flying to one table to another in Benton, spreading her charms unintentionally. Always being incredibly nice and helpful.
Which was probably why hundreds of close friends came by to her funeral on Sunday night.
I still find this unbelievable. Why Jade? Why take the most vibrant girl in campus-the one that was so full of life ?
Isn't it funny how one day you're still talking and laughing with one friend and the next day you're talking about her in past tense?
I dreaded writing this post, since my eyes still felt warm everytime I remember staring at her beautiful, peaceful face lying in the casket. I can't imagine how her family and boyfriend must have felt.
It was a grey and cloudy day today at Karawaci. We sat at Benton feeling something was missing and we talked, we laughed, we cried, remembering her. One friend of mine even said that in any minute, Jade was going to spring up and yell "Gotcha!" and we would all be relieved that it all had just been a nightmare.
But it wasn't. And she didnt.
A fatal car crash had taken her beautiful soul away at such a young age. She never even got the chance to finish school, for God's sake. I wish nothing but the best for her up there. As my friend said, we all should dry our tears because she's in a better condition right now and that she would have wanted us to smile.
Ila said something to me today that made my mind kind of freeze and think. So this is what it feels like to have lost a friend, she said. And the worst part is, we're bound to experience this over and over gaain, as one by one, the people that we love is taken away from us. One funeral after another. One memory after another.
Would we have enough tears? For all our loved ones? Would we ever get used to this? Should we not have so many close friends, so we wouldn't have to go to so many painful funerals?
Everything seems so little and unimportant right now, after what I experienced Sunday night. People breaking up, people worrying about where they should go on weekends, wondering what to wear...hey, there's a whole other life out there.
Jade, if you only knew how many lives you touched, how many people flocked to the funeral, how many prayers were with you during your coma. But in a way, maybe she did. All my thoughts and prayers are with her family and loved ones right now. The expression on her mother's face was the first scene that made me break down in tears at the hospital. No mother should ever bury her own child. Ever. Nobody deserves that.
I'd prefer closing this post with a positive note. All of you who's reading this, please be thankful for what you have. That your family is complete. That you have your bestfriends surrounding you at the moment. And one more thing; have you been craving to try something in the past few years? That new restauant, those bungee-jumping stuff, that backpacking trip you've always dreamed going with friends or partner? Do it now.
If there's anything to learn, it's that you'll never know what's gonna happen to you in a matter of seconds. Life's too short for second-guessing, for "if only"s, for "I wish"s.

Always drive safe, everyone. Please, take care of yourselves- for your sake and everyone else's.
Goodbye, Jade, we'll see you up there one day, yes? =)

trendy train trends

2009-04-03T14:51:00.002+07:00

I don't feel good and I wanna go home. =(
My tummy hurts like hell and my throat is really scratchy aaargghhhh. I hate being sick. Hey I started a breakfast trend today at mmy beloved morning train. I sat there just staring out the window and suddenly I felt really hungry so I reached for my bread and began chewing hungrily.
And then people began staring at me like I'm some kind of a snotty little kid.
(I did have a runny nose due to my flu, but hey! That wasn't intentional.)
So I stared right back at them and kept on chewing and chewing, I mean, there's no rule that says I can't eat at the train, right ? So I kept enjoying my bread.
And just like that, one by one, three other people began to shyly let out their wrappers and boxes and nibbled at their breakfast.
Ha!
Anyway. Is it just me, or this year's presidential election is still not effective enough? I mean, when people ask me who I'm gonna vote for on April 9th, I still have no idea. And from what I have learned, when your customers cannot recall your brand, you're destined for damnation. If you ask me hey what's your favorite shampoo? I wouldn't hesitate to say Herbal Essences because I like its scent and what it does to my hair.
Now, I can't say I care enough about how Prabowo or SBY smells and what they do to my hair, but at the very least I can recall what party they're from, what's the symbol, what's their message and their campaigns.
And I can't. So it's either my fault for being such an ignorant wuss, or Indonesia's future leaders still don't know how to 'market' themselves.
I believe it's the later option. Because it's not my fault I'm being ignorant; hey, if you're good, you will reach your whole audience even the ignorant ones. That's your target. So don't blame me,, all right, I might not have a high level of nationalism but I still care and I want to be reached. So there. That's your job, candidates.
Hey new member of train gang: BB Kings. Two middle-aged men always hovering and typing their BlackBerries away. Their conversation types would be:

BB King 1: ...too many fake Bolds nowadays.
BB King 2: yeah but you can just look under the batteries to find the authentic PIN numbers.
BB King 1: I'm thinking of Storm.
BB King 2: yeah they're good. Bold's still good though. This Curve is getting boring and stale compared to Storm.

..and they go ooon and oooon and oooon. They were there yesterday and today as well.
I have to get back to work, I will update later peoples! And hey, happy weekend-ing! =)

better to be kept in the dark rather than to be blinded by the lights.

2009-04-02T16:42:00.002+07:00

I proudly claim that I came up with that. Haha. Suits your mood, right, Ila? ;)
How's everyone doing? This morning on the train I met a baby-faced Brandon Flowers and believe me, it doesn't look as good as it sounds. Sorry =S
Grand Dad was there, Nice Old Fella as well, the usual gang, you know-and thank God FBI Agent was absent today. I don't know what he's up to but let's hope it's something positive.
I'm at the office at the moment and the sun is merciless outside, shoot.
So I haven't been exactly crazy with school lately. I mean , I only go there twice a week now for Leadership and Internship Seminar classes and I so dislike the first one. The lecturer's allright, and it revolves around social stuff which I usually dig but I don't know, maybe the people aren't right.
This weekend I'm planning to go to KFC Kemang with Nugi for a birthday party of triplets :))) I mean, some people are lucky as hell. I've always wanted to have twins, and I can't imagine the pleasure of having triplets !!! I mean, obviously it's madness when they all wail and scream at night, but when you look at their little angelic faces sleeping and snoring peacefully in the crib, I mean, wow :) I want twins. I want a pair of girl and boy, or same-sex is also fine. I'd just love to raise a pair of cute lovable twins; buying cute matching baby suits, strollers, ooooh ! I love the works. :) amen to that.
But to get on the marriage matter--that's for another post. Don't you dare ask me when I'm gonna get married because hell if I know. My mind changes like a lightning bolt every minute anyway. I swear I'll dedicate a post for it one day =P
Anyways, referring back to my earlier post about me and my big mouth, well I just remembered how much I loathe Crocs and people who proudly wear them.
With the way things have been going lately, I wouldn't be surprised if you caught me walking somewhere with a bright neon green pair of Croc sandals.

*shudders
I seriously , honestly, HATE them. It doesn't do you any good (unless of course you're trying your best to look like a fool, in which case you succeed), it doesn't look good and it's way overrated/overpriced.

My throat is really scratchy today :( Hey by the way people in the US are going completely mad, what with the murders , school shooting, drive-by shooting, killing their own families and stuff argh!

Chami, come hoooooome !!

my train family tree

2009-03-31T11:23:00.015+07:00

I love riding the morning trains.

I've been doing that for 3 months now, ever since I began my internship. And i love it. Not just because it's squeaky clean and well air-conditioned, but mainly because I can watch people. Observe them. And then laugh behind their back.
Seriously though, 3 months is a very very long time and I think I've known my train people well enough. I mean, all these times I actually have secret nicknames for them.
Let's start now, shall we?
First off we have a semi-old man who looks like my physics teacher in high school. He hais this aura of knowledge and charm and wisdom when he walks through the crowd in the station. He always has on a Grand Indonesia ID card hanging 'round his neck, and he seems to be the 'old man on campus' type. Knows everyone, greets everyone, pats the beggars on their backs, you know. Let's call him Grand Dad (get it?? Because he works in Grand Indonesia and--oh well, i love puns.) Grand Dad seems nice.

And then there's David Archuleta. Seriously. The guy's young and always has on a postman bag and sits alone near the door bobbing his head to his earphones. Looks kind of gay actually, sorry, but still nice. At least he's not annoying.
Then we have ibu-ibu pejabat or let's just call her Madame. I actually don't think she's a DPR housewife or something but she dfinitely looks like it. Assumptions: always blabbing with her gal pal, her hair in a big updo, her clothes filled with vibrant colors.
And then we have a pair of college girls who always talk and laugh in loud voices so people could listen to what they did on weekends. Type of conversation:

Girl 1 : ..so last Saturday night I was, like, totally wasteeeddd but you know, like..
Girl 2 : EhmyGaawwd you didn't! *shrieks*
Girl 1 : I so totally did! *giggles* and then this guy came and he was like, all over me! Totally hot.
Girl 2: *gasps* How aweeeesome's that?
Girl 1: Totally!

Totally made me want to push them off the railways. I actually even know what Uni they go to, but let's not mention it here ;) Hint: I heard the girls that go there are no different than Barbie One and Two, so, no surprise there.

And then we have Classy Chick. She's this tall, slender mid-twenties who always looks so put together and so well-dressed. She rides the train alone, and she seems tough. I like her. I like her shoes, actually. =P Even only in pants, heels and shirt, maybe because she's tall and thin, well, it looks very classy. Good job.
Moving on, we got Lion Airess and Perv Guy Who Hits On Lion Airess. Let me explain.
About a month ago, I stood in front of a young girl with Lion Air Training uniform. She looks decent enough, but the man beside her, well, I do have this ability to tell which ones are the good ones and which ones are bad, and I could tell you that the man was up to no good. I mean, he sat waayy too close to her and asked her a lot of lame questions to which she often replied with a nervous laugh. Poor girl. I did give the Perv a death stare , but the man was clueless, of course. It's been a long time since I saw them, actually.
Let's hope the girl's okay =S
There's also a man that looks exactly like my communications research method lecturer. I mean, it's a splitting image,seriously. I hope my teacher isn't so tech-savvy so he wouldn't stumble upon this blog.
And today, ladies and gentlemen, I met an FBI Agent.
Don't laugh.
It was terrfying, let me tell you. He was a newcomer so when he stepped into the train, we all looked in. He was dressed in jeans, boots, jackets, cap and get this: shades. I mean, I guess when you're abroad it's okay to wear sunglasses indoors. In Indonesia, you will be hunted down and flagged down as a terrorist. And not to mention the combat boots he was wearing. He also had this cheek stubble--I was mortified. We couldn't tell whether he was closing his eyes or not because of the dark shades. He sat sulking near the door , watching people as they pass by.

Hey, all negativity aside, maybe he was observing people just like me.
Last but not least, we have Nice Old Fella. He's my friend. Seriously. First time I talked to him was to thank him for giving up his seat for me. And one day, when a passenger got off and I was about to take her seat, a guy beat me to it and sat down.
What a jerk. I mean, there are posters all over that says YOU HAVE TO PRIORITIZE THE ELDERLY, THE WOMEN, AND THE KIDS to sit. But oh well. Nice Old Fella shook his head in disbelief, and we shared an "eh, what can you do?" look. So we got to talking and else.
I still have many train characters I wanna share with you, but let's do that later. My tummy is grumbling mercilessly and it's lunchtime :D
See ya later, aligator!

ps: To protect the innocents, I think it's best that I don't mention the details of my train schedule ;)

I am never opening my big mouth again.

2009-03-27T14:56:00.003+07:00

i am never going to say the word 'never' again.
Ever.

I used to say I hated boybands. And then I fell madly in love with 911. I told Tania how much I thought Ila and Manda were a pair of stuck-up spoiled brats (they both know, don't worry =P), and now I can't be apart even only for one day from them. I thought Kings of Convenience was overrated, yet I nearly hung myself out of despair when I didn't watch their concert. I thought the job of a PR officer in a PR consultant firm didn't suit me, and look where I am now.
I despised Blackberry.

That's all I can say. Please, if you ever hear the words 'I will NEVER---' come out of my lips, stop me immediately. Dinda, please learn from your past mistakes.

On a much lighter note, me and the office stopped by Plaza Indonesia to lunch at Sushi Tei, then we went to Periplus, where they were having an all-out 80 % discounts. Guess what I found?
The plays of Shakespeare, and how much did they cost?
Rp. 5,000.

Five freakin' thousand Rupiahs and even got a few more percents off so in the end, one book costs Rp. 3,500.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know, right, but I didn't buy it. It was a play, not a novel, and flipping by the pages I couldn't really understand the language and scenes. It was insane. But my colleague bought Much Ado About Nothing soooo I could borrow one day later I guess :D
I bought a criminal/detective hardcover book for Rp. 50,000 and a Cecilia Ahern for a hundred I think, but I got few more percents off because I used my HSBC card. All in all, for both satisfyingly fat books I paid Rp. 126,000,-
;)